Every year I have a lot to be thankful for. But, this year I feel even more thankful, grateful...for everything that I have.
I'm of course thankful for my health and everything that goes with that - my ability to walk, see, smell, etc.
I'm thankful for my job. After being in grad school for 2 years and not really working, it feels really amazing to be employed again. I'm also thankful to have expendable income again.
I'm thankful to be home. I never imagined it could feel so good to be in Missouri again.
I'm thankful for my family. It's nice to be near them again.
I'm thankful for my friends, who are my family.
I'm thankful for Tank. He's the best dog anyone could have and he's ours.
I'm thankful for Sean, who I fall in love with more every year that goes by. This past year, in particular, has not been the easiest. But together, we got through it. And I know that no matter what happens, he'll always be by my side. His unconditional love, his patience, his support, his love....I really couldn't ask for a better husband. A better partner.
I'm thankful for Bootsie. She gave me hope. She made me feel ridiculous love. Although I only got to carry her for 18 weeks, I remember the feelings and I'll never forget them. She'll always be my first baby. I'll never forget her.
I'm thankful for Sunny. Every stretch mark. Every pound gained. Every ache & pain. He's worth everything. I feel so grateful to not only have gotten pregnant without intervention, but to be pregnant, period. I cannot wait until March. I want to hold him. Hear him cry. Nurse him. Change his diapers. Spend sleepless nights with him. I can't wait for all of that. Sean & I couldn't be more excited for his arrival. Our lives are going to change, but for the better.
It's really hard to express how blessed I feel this year. This year has been hard, but I'm grateful for all of the experiences. It's made me a stronger person. A better person. I know 2014 is going to be amazing and I can't wait.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Sunday, October 13, 2013
The Secret's Out
It's been a minute (or several) since I last wrote. I've been DYING to write over the past few months, but decided to keep mum. But we are finally ready to tell everyone that we're expecting! So, here's the story...
So We moved back home in May. Sean and I had already decided to start trying again in April. And given our history, we went ahead and scheduled an appointment with a specialist for the end of May. So, that appointment came and went, which I blogged about here. Little did we know, that would be the only appointment we would need. I was supposed to have another HSG the day after I wrote that post. But that never happened.
Side note: (And TMI for probably some) - 6 weeks after the D&E, my body started regulating itself. I had monthly periods. Which meant I was ovulating. On my own. But when we went to the specialist here in Columbia, he wasn't convinced my body just suddenly started doing that. Which is why we scheduled the HSG. Because the plan was to start the medicine again once that was done.
Anyway, the HSG never happened. Because my period hadn't stopped yet. If I remember correctly, I had to reschedule that twice. So, I figured I was out that cycle because even if I was going to ovulate, I assumed my body wouldn't have had enough time to build up any sort of lining to support an egg. I was wrong.
I was already temping again by that point. The day before I was supposed to have the HSG, I ovulated. I had positive tests and my temperature had risen quite a bit. So, my doctor wanted to postpone the HSG for the next cycle. Two weeks later, I took a test. And I saw the two beautiful lines. And I continued to take test for 2 weeks after because I was in disbelief. The day I started my job, I got the confirmation from my blood test that I was in fact pregnant.
So. We got pregnant. On our own. With no medicine. With no ultrasounds. I never ever thought after everything, I'd get pregnant without intervention. It feels right. It feels meant to be.
So, I'm now 18 weeks 3 days pregnant. You all know 18 weeks was when we found out about Bootsie. So, this week was rough for me emotionally. But, on Friday, we heard our baby's beautiful heartbeat. I'm showing quite a bit. I have tons of symptoms still. I really believe this is our rainbow. And I really believe in March, we'll be bringing this baby home.
We're ready to meet our Sunny on March 13th. (We aren't actually naming the baby Sunny...it's just what we are calling the baby for now).
So We moved back home in May. Sean and I had already decided to start trying again in April. And given our history, we went ahead and scheduled an appointment with a specialist for the end of May. So, that appointment came and went, which I blogged about here. Little did we know, that would be the only appointment we would need. I was supposed to have another HSG the day after I wrote that post. But that never happened.
Side note: (And TMI for probably some) - 6 weeks after the D&E, my body started regulating itself. I had monthly periods. Which meant I was ovulating. On my own. But when we went to the specialist here in Columbia, he wasn't convinced my body just suddenly started doing that. Which is why we scheduled the HSG. Because the plan was to start the medicine again once that was done.
Anyway, the HSG never happened. Because my period hadn't stopped yet. If I remember correctly, I had to reschedule that twice. So, I figured I was out that cycle because even if I was going to ovulate, I assumed my body wouldn't have had enough time to build up any sort of lining to support an egg. I was wrong.
I was already temping again by that point. The day before I was supposed to have the HSG, I ovulated. I had positive tests and my temperature had risen quite a bit. So, my doctor wanted to postpone the HSG for the next cycle. Two weeks later, I took a test. And I saw the two beautiful lines. And I continued to take test for 2 weeks after because I was in disbelief. The day I started my job, I got the confirmation from my blood test that I was in fact pregnant.
So. We got pregnant. On our own. With no medicine. With no ultrasounds. I never ever thought after everything, I'd get pregnant without intervention. It feels right. It feels meant to be.
So, I'm now 18 weeks 3 days pregnant. You all know 18 weeks was when we found out about Bootsie. So, this week was rough for me emotionally. But, on Friday, we heard our baby's beautiful heartbeat. I'm showing quite a bit. I have tons of symptoms still. I really believe this is our rainbow. And I really believe in March, we'll be bringing this baby home.
We're ready to meet our Sunny on March 13th. (We aren't actually naming the baby Sunny...it's just what we are calling the baby for now).
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Due Date
Tomorrow is my due date.
She's been on my mind a lot lately. I miss her.
It's hard not to think about it, especially this week. I'm feeling ok going into it. And I know that once the date passes, it may become easier. Eventually.
It hurts to have an empty room in our place that should be a nursery. But, I'm also optimistic that soon, we'll be able to do that. I have Bootsie's Star Certificate & Star Map hanging outside of the future nursery. I think it's the most appropriate place for it. I really am optimistic about the future. It took me a while to get here, but it's a good place to be.
I'm thankful that I'm now working. It provides a good distraction so I'm not just thinking about it all of the time. Not that I ever want to forget her or the love I still feel for her. I'll always have that feeling and will always think of her.
There's not really a lot to say that I haven't already said in the past. So, I'll just end with a poem I found:
She's been on my mind a lot lately. I miss her.
It's hard not to think about it, especially this week. I'm feeling ok going into it. And I know that once the date passes, it may become easier. Eventually.
It hurts to have an empty room in our place that should be a nursery. But, I'm also optimistic that soon, we'll be able to do that. I have Bootsie's Star Certificate & Star Map hanging outside of the future nursery. I think it's the most appropriate place for it. I really am optimistic about the future. It took me a while to get here, but it's a good place to be.
I'm thankful that I'm now working. It provides a good distraction so I'm not just thinking about it all of the time. Not that I ever want to forget her or the love I still feel for her. I'll always have that feeling and will always think of her.
There's not really a lot to say that I haven't already said in the past. So, I'll just end with a poem I found:
The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.
The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says of our love for you.
~ Author Unknown
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.
The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says of our love for you.
~ Author Unknown
Monday, June 24, 2013
Two Years
Tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary.
I've been reflecting recently on our first 2 years of marriage. I wish I could report that it has been easy. And blissful. But if you've been reading my blog...you know that's not the case. Things between Sean and I are great. They've always been great. It's always been easy with us. We've always been on the same page about things, for the most part. And despite the shit that has been thrown at us, we're stronger than ever.
We were married June 25, 2011. On July 4, we got back from our honeymoon. Only July 12, we moved to NJ. I remember being so damn optimistic about NJ. We thought it would be great. I was going to start graduate school. Sean was promised financial gains. Then that didn't happen (the money...as you know, graduate school happened). And then our financial shit came to a head (See: bankruptcy). The relief was nice. But then we seriously got the desire to come home. But, we were stuck. I had another year of school left.
We visited home last July and had a serious conversation about coming home. We even tried to figure out a way for me to pick up with school in Missouri. But it just wasn't realistic. So, back to NJ we went. What kept us going was our countdown to coming home.
Last August filled us with hope because we were actually getting answers into our fertility issues (see: this ). Then of course, I got pregnant. And then lost the baby. And then got pregnant again. And as you all probably know...we lost our daughter at 18 weeks. To me, that's been the hardest thing I've ever had to get through. It's been 4 months and I'm in a better place. But I still have my days. I miss my baby. I should be very pregnant right now. And as my due date gets closer (July 14) the sadder I probably will be. I will need to drink heavily that day.
Despite all the shit, we're still here. We'll always still be here. There's nothing that life can throw that us that we won't get through. Together. I couldn't ask for a better partner. He supported me through graduate school. He supports my goals (and I his). We want the same things out of life. I can't wait to make him a father. He's going to be amazing. Now that we're back home, I'm looking forward to what's coming. I hope life gives us less lemons. More sweet stuff. It can only get better from here.
I've been reflecting recently on our first 2 years of marriage. I wish I could report that it has been easy. And blissful. But if you've been reading my blog...you know that's not the case. Things between Sean and I are great. They've always been great. It's always been easy with us. We've always been on the same page about things, for the most part. And despite the shit that has been thrown at us, we're stronger than ever.
We were married June 25, 2011. On July 4, we got back from our honeymoon. Only July 12, we moved to NJ. I remember being so damn optimistic about NJ. We thought it would be great. I was going to start graduate school. Sean was promised financial gains. Then that didn't happen (the money...as you know, graduate school happened). And then our financial shit came to a head (See: bankruptcy). The relief was nice. But then we seriously got the desire to come home. But, we were stuck. I had another year of school left.
We visited home last July and had a serious conversation about coming home. We even tried to figure out a way for me to pick up with school in Missouri. But it just wasn't realistic. So, back to NJ we went. What kept us going was our countdown to coming home.
Last August filled us with hope because we were actually getting answers into our fertility issues (see: this ). Then of course, I got pregnant. And then lost the baby. And then got pregnant again. And as you all probably know...we lost our daughter at 18 weeks. To me, that's been the hardest thing I've ever had to get through. It's been 4 months and I'm in a better place. But I still have my days. I miss my baby. I should be very pregnant right now. And as my due date gets closer (July 14) the sadder I probably will be. I will need to drink heavily that day.
Despite all the shit, we're still here. We'll always still be here. There's nothing that life can throw that us that we won't get through. Together. I couldn't ask for a better partner. He supported me through graduate school. He supports my goals (and I his). We want the same things out of life. I can't wait to make him a father. He's going to be amazing. Now that we're back home, I'm looking forward to what's coming. I hope life gives us less lemons. More sweet stuff. It can only get better from here.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Back on the Baby Track
At the end of May, we met with our new fertility doctor. He is very nice and very thorough (which I appreciate). Anyway, we have a plan that I'm pretty happy with.
Tomorrow I have to have another HSG done. (Click here to read about my first one). The doc wants to do this just to make sure there aren't any other issues/blockage since I had the surgery in April. So, while I'm not looking forward to that again, I will be happy to know for sure. Then, assuming all is well, we will start Clomid again next cycle.
So basically, the plan will go back to where we were in October. Clomid. Ultrasounds. I'm ready. Sean is ready. Now that we are all settled & school is done I have very few stressors now, which should also help. I don't plan to write much about the process unless something drastic happens. Also, I don't plan to write about it because when I do get pregnant again, very few people will know until well past 20 weeks. Not that we won't be excited. I just want to be very vigilant.
I had my first extended experience with a baby this past weekend. Very good friends of ours has a one year old. Well actually, her birthday is coming up. I knew that I would not be ready for a birthday party. I told them this and they understood. So, we went to see them this past weekend to give her a present. It was amazing to see how much she has grown and all of the things she can do now. It was fun to spend time with her.
After we left I cried. Once I had my moment, I was fine. It's been almost 4 months and I still think about her every day. I think about where I would be in my pregnancy. I think about the fact that I would have a baby next month. Then I see their daughter and how amazing she is and it just breaks my heart that it's not our time yet. I know it's coming. Both Sean and I are pretty optimistic that we'll have a baby at some point next year. I know as more time passes, it'll get easier and easier to be around children. We're so determined to have our baby. And we'll make it happen.
Tomorrow I have to have another HSG done. (Click here to read about my first one). The doc wants to do this just to make sure there aren't any other issues/blockage since I had the surgery in April. So, while I'm not looking forward to that again, I will be happy to know for sure. Then, assuming all is well, we will start Clomid again next cycle.
So basically, the plan will go back to where we were in October. Clomid. Ultrasounds. I'm ready. Sean is ready. Now that we are all settled & school is done I have very few stressors now, which should also help. I don't plan to write much about the process unless something drastic happens. Also, I don't plan to write about it because when I do get pregnant again, very few people will know until well past 20 weeks. Not that we won't be excited. I just want to be very vigilant.
I had my first extended experience with a baby this past weekend. Very good friends of ours has a one year old. Well actually, her birthday is coming up. I knew that I would not be ready for a birthday party. I told them this and they understood. So, we went to see them this past weekend to give her a present. It was amazing to see how much she has grown and all of the things she can do now. It was fun to spend time with her.
After we left I cried. Once I had my moment, I was fine. It's been almost 4 months and I still think about her every day. I think about where I would be in my pregnancy. I think about the fact that I would have a baby next month. Then I see their daughter and how amazing she is and it just breaks my heart that it's not our time yet. I know it's coming. Both Sean and I are pretty optimistic that we'll have a baby at some point next year. I know as more time passes, it'll get easier and easier to be around children. We're so determined to have our baby. And we'll make it happen.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Home Sweet Home
I'm going to try my best to keep updating several times a month. The past few weeks have been incredibly busy. But here it goes...
Most importantly: I'M OFFICIALLY AN MSW! I graduated on May 14th. It feels amazing to be done with school (forever).
Most importantly: I'M OFFICIALLY AN MSW! I graduated on May 14th. It feels amazing to be done with school (forever).
There was an opportunity to put a thank you message up before the actual ceremony started. I made one for Sean. Because if it weren't for him, I probably would have never gone to grad school. I would have never made it through grad school. I love Sean and love that he's my biggest supporter in life (and I'm his). I know that my getting my masters will make our lives and our future family's life better. I'm looking forward to it. Now, I just need to find a job :)
We moved home 4 days after graduation. I can't even begin to describe how good it feels to be home. I'm able to see my family whenever. I'm able to see my friends whenever. It's amazing. I plan to reconnect with old friends. I'm really looking forward to what life has in store for me and Sean.
Anyway...there's more to report. But that's all for now. (not my best entry, I admit, but ya know. I'm busy)
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
A Letter for Her
This coming Sunday is Mother's Day. I should be 7 months pregnant. I'm not feeling any particular feelings either way, right now, about it. But I'm sure I will once its here. Luckily for me, my mother will be coming to town that day. So, I'm hoping the day won't be so bad.
This past Sunday was International Bereaved Mother's Day. You can read about it here.
In honor of these days, I wrote my baby a letter:
This past Sunday was International Bereaved Mother's Day. You can read about it here.
In honor of these days, I wrote my baby a letter:
Dear Bootsie –
I want you to know how much I love you and think about you
every day. I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to keep you safe. I miss you so much
and wish you were still growing inside of me.
I want you to know that even though I never got to hold you,
I’ll never forget the brief time we had together. I had so much love for you
the moment I knew you were there. The first time I saw you move was one of the
best moments of my life. You were created out of love. Your daddy and I love
you and wanted you so much.
We know you’re looking down on us and you’ll always watch
over us. And you’ll guide us in our journey to have our Earth baby. I want you
to know that even though we’re moving forward, we can never move on from you.
You forever changed us. Your brothers and/or sisters will always know about
you. And I want you to know that just because we never held you doesn’t mean we
love you any less than the babies we will hold.
You’re forever in our thoughts and hearts.
Love, Your Mommy
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
What I Learned in New Jersey
I've really made it no secret that I haven't enjoyed New Jersey. It's too expensive. Too many people live here. No one knows how to drive. People say 'water' weird.
Basically, it's not home. We now know our asses belong firmly in the Midwest and we can't wait to get back. (24 days!) Pretty much since we moved here, nothing has gone right. We were so hopeful about things working out here. But we kept getting sign after sign that New Jersey was not right for us (you can read the past 2 years of my blog to find out specifics).
We keep chalking this whole thing up as "life experience." So, although New Jersey didn't work out, I did learn some things.
1. Sean and I will be able to make it through anything.
I know I gush about Sean often on here. But, I can't even begin to explain how I feel about him. He's my best friend, dare I even say, soul mate. Things have always been so easy with him. From the moment we met, it just felt right. I've been told that we look like we "match" each other.
We got married on June 25, 2011. On July 15, 2011 we arrived in NJ. We're not really good at spacing things out. We kinda like to do more than once thing at once. So, getting married and immediately moving away from the home we knew seemed crazy to a lot. But, we had each other and that was good enough for us at the time.
The last 2 years have not been easy for us. Between our financial struggles, filing for bankruptcy, having no family here, fertility issues, 2 miscarriages and grad school...we're tired, y'all. We are very much looking forward to things just being easy for a while. Good news instead of bad news. I know that Sean and I can make it through anything. Even though we've had stressor after stressor thrown at us...we're still here. We're still strong (and stronger than ever). I know that we'll face other challenges in the future. But we're both so confident that we can weather any storm.
2. Don't take your friends and family for granted.
I've talked about this before. There are many friendships that I have neglected. Being out here without friends has been an eye opening experience. Sure, I've made a few friends here. But, there was a long period of time where I really had no friends here, and that was very hard for me to handle. I have so many people I Plan to reconnect with once I'm home. I also plan to see my family more often. I miss them and I know that I need to see them more. I need them in my life.
3. I'm kinda awesome.
Historically, I've not given myself a lot of credit. Not really seeing my self worth. But I need to stop that. I'm strong. I'm resilient. I'm compassionate. I made it through grad school, despite all of my personal issues. I really have no doubt that I'm going to be an awesome social worker. I'm going to be an awesome mother.
I'm really excited for our future. Our days in New Jersey are winding down very quickly. I have met some amazing people here who I will never forget and hope that I'm able to keep in touch with (Thanks, Facebook!). Maybe you all should move out of NJ too and come with us. :-) I've learned some great life lessons. I'm thankful you can always go home.
I can't wait to get home, Missouri.
Basically, it's not home. We now know our asses belong firmly in the Midwest and we can't wait to get back. (24 days!) Pretty much since we moved here, nothing has gone right. We were so hopeful about things working out here. But we kept getting sign after sign that New Jersey was not right for us (you can read the past 2 years of my blog to find out specifics).
We keep chalking this whole thing up as "life experience." So, although New Jersey didn't work out, I did learn some things.
1. Sean and I will be able to make it through anything.
I know I gush about Sean often on here. But, I can't even begin to explain how I feel about him. He's my best friend, dare I even say, soul mate. Things have always been so easy with him. From the moment we met, it just felt right. I've been told that we look like we "match" each other.
We got married on June 25, 2011. On July 15, 2011 we arrived in NJ. We're not really good at spacing things out. We kinda like to do more than once thing at once. So, getting married and immediately moving away from the home we knew seemed crazy to a lot. But, we had each other and that was good enough for us at the time.
The last 2 years have not been easy for us. Between our financial struggles, filing for bankruptcy, having no family here, fertility issues, 2 miscarriages and grad school...we're tired, y'all. We are very much looking forward to things just being easy for a while. Good news instead of bad news. I know that Sean and I can make it through anything. Even though we've had stressor after stressor thrown at us...we're still here. We're still strong (and stronger than ever). I know that we'll face other challenges in the future. But we're both so confident that we can weather any storm.
2. Don't take your friends and family for granted.
I've talked about this before. There are many friendships that I have neglected. Being out here without friends has been an eye opening experience. Sure, I've made a few friends here. But, there was a long period of time where I really had no friends here, and that was very hard for me to handle. I have so many people I Plan to reconnect with once I'm home. I also plan to see my family more often. I miss them and I know that I need to see them more. I need them in my life.
3. I'm kinda awesome.
Historically, I've not given myself a lot of credit. Not really seeing my self worth. But I need to stop that. I'm strong. I'm resilient. I'm compassionate. I made it through grad school, despite all of my personal issues. I really have no doubt that I'm going to be an awesome social worker. I'm going to be an awesome mother.
I'm really excited for our future. Our days in New Jersey are winding down very quickly. I have met some amazing people here who I will never forget and hope that I'm able to keep in touch with (Thanks, Facebook!). Maybe you all should move out of NJ too and come with us. :-) I've learned some great life lessons. I'm thankful you can always go home.
I can't wait to get home, Missouri.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
PSA (Or...the status of my uterus)
I'm sure all of you, my friends and readers, are DYING to know the status of my uterus. (Because, why not?)
I went in for my Hysteroscopy this morning. Luckily, it wasn't nearly as dramatic as my last procedure and they actually started on time. (AND I was first...so win). I had to be given medicine to relax me again, because my anxiety shot way up when they started talking about intubating me. I remember being wheeled in the OR. My specialist and OB were on either side of me talking. Then, I woke up.
So, remember how I was talking about a possible septate? My specialist has been pretty adamant that he didn't believe I had one. He said that when my funny shaped uterus was discovered, he said it when he saw my recent ultrasound pictures, and he said it this morning.
I HAD A SEPTATE.
Because they discovered a septate, they had to put a little camera through my belly button to guide the removal of that. So I'm sore. But otherwise I feel pretty good (other than being a little groggy).
You can google septate uterus if you're really interested, but basically, it causes a uterus to be Y shaped (like mine) and can make the risk of miscarriage higher (YOU DON'T SAY) or preterm labor. After the procedure, he told Sean (and he told me the other day) that the reason I lost the baby was because of the Down's Syndrome. While that is most likely true, there's always going to be a part of me that is going to wonder.
So here's my PSA: Do your research and be your own advocate. Don't be afraid to confront your doctor about further testing. If that doctor gets offended, you need a new one. It's better to be safe than sorry. I know Doctor's are amazingly smart and I have a lot of respect for them. But sometimes it's best to go with your gut.
I'm not blaming my doctor or anything like that, but I do wish I had demanded this in August instead of having to wait until I've had 2 miscarriages. I know that this may have had nothing to do with them. But I don't know that for sure. I'm not going to dwell on it. I'm all fixed up and I'm ready to move forward. I'm thankful everything went well. And we're both so determined to make our little rainbow Baby Ford a reality in 2014.
I went in for my Hysteroscopy this morning. Luckily, it wasn't nearly as dramatic as my last procedure and they actually started on time. (AND I was first...so win). I had to be given medicine to relax me again, because my anxiety shot way up when they started talking about intubating me. I remember being wheeled in the OR. My specialist and OB were on either side of me talking. Then, I woke up.
So, remember how I was talking about a possible septate? My specialist has been pretty adamant that he didn't believe I had one. He said that when my funny shaped uterus was discovered, he said it when he saw my recent ultrasound pictures, and he said it this morning.
I HAD A SEPTATE.
Because they discovered a septate, they had to put a little camera through my belly button to guide the removal of that. So I'm sore. But otherwise I feel pretty good (other than being a little groggy).
You can google septate uterus if you're really interested, but basically, it causes a uterus to be Y shaped (like mine) and can make the risk of miscarriage higher (YOU DON'T SAY) or preterm labor. After the procedure, he told Sean (and he told me the other day) that the reason I lost the baby was because of the Down's Syndrome. While that is most likely true, there's always going to be a part of me that is going to wonder.
So here's my PSA: Do your research and be your own advocate. Don't be afraid to confront your doctor about further testing. If that doctor gets offended, you need a new one. It's better to be safe than sorry. I know Doctor's are amazingly smart and I have a lot of respect for them. But sometimes it's best to go with your gut.
I'm not blaming my doctor or anything like that, but I do wish I had demanded this in August instead of having to wait until I've had 2 miscarriages. I know that this may have had nothing to do with them. But I don't know that for sure. I'm not going to dwell on it. I'm all fixed up and I'm ready to move forward. I'm thankful everything went well. And we're both so determined to make our little rainbow Baby Ford a reality in 2014.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
I'm moving forward...but I'm still a mom
I can already feel the eye rolls that this post may cause. But, my story is the one that's hardly told. It's not really a story (IMO) the public wants to hear about. But, too bad. I'm annoying like that.
It's been 8 weeks today since we found out that our little girl was gone. At first, days felt like weeks. But now time has been flying by. I'm thankful for this for many reasons. Lately I've been feeling more optimistic that our rainbow baby will be here soon. My hysteroscopy is scheduled for next Tuesday. I'll be getting bloodwork done the same day to rule out a clotting problem and other genetic issues. Sean's bloodwork came back normal. So, by the end of the month, I'll have a clean uterus and answers. And I'm happy about that. Then, we can officially start trying again.
Now time for an overshare! (Because that's what I do!) I've been feeling more optimistic lately as well because I actually got a period. On my own. Last week! Without meds! Now, if you've been following our journey even a little, you know that this was an issue as soon as I got off the pill. I wasn't getting them because I wasn't ovulating. So, I'm hoping that my body has actually figured itself out and maybe we won't have to do meds again. Time will tell. I'm cautiously optimistic but I hope that this is a good sign and a good step in the right direction.
I've also (finally) gotten out of my poor eating, no exercise slump. I finally reached the point where I felt disgusting. So, I've been tracking and measuring all my food. I've been in the gym several times a week. I've lost a few pounds already. I have extra motivation in the graduation dress I purchased. I look good in it now...but I can look better. :)
I'm not moving on. I'll never move on from her. But I can move forward. And that's what I'm doing.
Despite this, I want to make one thing clear...I'm a mom. Every woman who has had a miscarriage or still born baby is a mom. And we've experienced a loss that is unimaginable. We lost our child. Just because we don't have memories of our children running around or because our baby never took a breath in this world doesn't mean we aren't moms. We are. And our hearts hurt and ache for our babies.
I've mentioned a friend of mine before who I haven't actually met. But we became pretty close when we were both trying to get pregnant. We have similar struggles. She became pregnant shortly after I did. When I lost Bootsie, she understood that I couldn't really be involved in her pregnancy at that time. But a few weeks ago, she texted me news that broke my heart. She went into labor and her daughter was born sleeping. She and her husband are, of course, devastated. They had a funeral for their daughter and she was worried that people would think she was trying to bring attention to herself. Or that people would think it was inappropriate.
It's ridiculous that my friend even had these thoughts come across her mind. Why should she feel like this? This is what she needed to do to start grieving. People just don't look at miscarriages and still born babies the same as other losses. Don't get me wrong...the death of a child at any age is a loss that no parent should ever have to experience. And I'm not discounting that. But, our losses shouldn't be discounted because we don't have memories of them. And because other's don't have memories of them. I have the memory of feelings with her. I have the memories of the 12 week ultrasound, when she was so active. I have the memories of Sean and I being so excited. We are parents.
I love her. I miss her every day. I'll never forget her.
I feel like this needs to be talked about more. I mean, I know it's not a pleasant topic. But, there are so many women going through this every day. And we have to grieve in silence a lot of the time. It's not fair. We have to hear the "Oh, you'll have a baby someday" comments when we already feel like we are moms. But people just don't get that. We don't want you to forget about our babies. We don't want you to feel uncomfortable to ask about our child. Or remember the birthday. Because pretending like it didn't happen makes me feel like it's unacceptable. And it's not.
(hopping off soap box)
It's been 8 weeks today since we found out that our little girl was gone. At first, days felt like weeks. But now time has been flying by. I'm thankful for this for many reasons. Lately I've been feeling more optimistic that our rainbow baby will be here soon. My hysteroscopy is scheduled for next Tuesday. I'll be getting bloodwork done the same day to rule out a clotting problem and other genetic issues. Sean's bloodwork came back normal. So, by the end of the month, I'll have a clean uterus and answers. And I'm happy about that. Then, we can officially start trying again.
Now time for an overshare! (Because that's what I do!) I've been feeling more optimistic lately as well because I actually got a period. On my own. Last week! Without meds! Now, if you've been following our journey even a little, you know that this was an issue as soon as I got off the pill. I wasn't getting them because I wasn't ovulating. So, I'm hoping that my body has actually figured itself out and maybe we won't have to do meds again. Time will tell. I'm cautiously optimistic but I hope that this is a good sign and a good step in the right direction.
I've also (finally) gotten out of my poor eating, no exercise slump. I finally reached the point where I felt disgusting. So, I've been tracking and measuring all my food. I've been in the gym several times a week. I've lost a few pounds already. I have extra motivation in the graduation dress I purchased. I look good in it now...but I can look better. :)
I'm not moving on. I'll never move on from her. But I can move forward. And that's what I'm doing.
Despite this, I want to make one thing clear...I'm a mom. Every woman who has had a miscarriage or still born baby is a mom. And we've experienced a loss that is unimaginable. We lost our child. Just because we don't have memories of our children running around or because our baby never took a breath in this world doesn't mean we aren't moms. We are. And our hearts hurt and ache for our babies.
I've mentioned a friend of mine before who I haven't actually met. But we became pretty close when we were both trying to get pregnant. We have similar struggles. She became pregnant shortly after I did. When I lost Bootsie, she understood that I couldn't really be involved in her pregnancy at that time. But a few weeks ago, she texted me news that broke my heart. She went into labor and her daughter was born sleeping. She and her husband are, of course, devastated. They had a funeral for their daughter and she was worried that people would think she was trying to bring attention to herself. Or that people would think it was inappropriate.
It's ridiculous that my friend even had these thoughts come across her mind. Why should she feel like this? This is what she needed to do to start grieving. People just don't look at miscarriages and still born babies the same as other losses. Don't get me wrong...the death of a child at any age is a loss that no parent should ever have to experience. And I'm not discounting that. But, our losses shouldn't be discounted because we don't have memories of them. And because other's don't have memories of them. I have the memory of feelings with her. I have the memories of the 12 week ultrasound, when she was so active. I have the memories of Sean and I being so excited. We are parents.
I love her. I miss her every day. I'll never forget her.
I feel like this needs to be talked about more. I mean, I know it's not a pleasant topic. But, there are so many women going through this every day. And we have to grieve in silence a lot of the time. It's not fair. We have to hear the "Oh, you'll have a baby someday" comments when we already feel like we are moms. But people just don't get that. We don't want you to forget about our babies. We don't want you to feel uncomfortable to ask about our child. Or remember the birthday. Because pretending like it didn't happen makes me feel like it's unacceptable. And it's not.
(hopping off soap box)
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Blessings
The last 7 weeks have certainly not been my easiest. In fact, they've been some of the hardest of my life. And I feel like all I've been doing is complaining, especially on this blog. Of course, I know it's my blog and I can say what I want. As I've said before, it's been very therapeutic for me. And I hope that if at least one person who may be going through a similar situation reads it and it helps them, I'm happy with that.
Last night in the support group, a new couple came. They shared their story of losing their son at 34 weeks and how she almost lost her life too. The husband shared that he feels like he can't really grieve because he's so happy that his wife is alive and healthy. He's thankful for her life. Of course he's sad about their loss, but said he was just so grateful she was ok. This really got me thinking about my blessings. I don't talk about them nearly enough.
First of all, Sean. I know I've mentioned it many times before, but he's been my rock. My #1 supporter. I really couldn't ask for a better partner. He's there in the good times and the awful times. He's always there to listen to my craziness and my anxiety. He keeps me calm (or at least, he tries). He keeps me grounded, a lot of the time. He supports me in all aspects. He's been supportive and understanding during the last 2 years of grad school. I don't think I would have been able to even go if it weren't for him. He's appreciative of me. He loves me. I love that man..more than I can possibly say and am so thankful for him every day.
My friends. So many of my friends have been checking in on me. Offering their support. A lot of my classmates I consider friends and have been very supportive. Even though after we move back home, I'll probably never see most of them again (which, makes me sad) I can't even begin to explain how much it means to me that they were there during my darkest hour. I'll never forget that and will always be thankful. I'm glad that we live in a day where I can still keep in touch with all of them, even if I never actually see them again.
My mom. Even though she's 1100 miles away, she's been great. She listens to me cry. She encourages me. She reassures me. I know my mom is still hurting too, but she tries to put that on the back burner when we talk about it. I want to make her a grandmother so bad. And I will. And she knows I will. My mom will be one of the few people who will know when we get pregnant again and I can't wait to involve her in every aspect of it. I want her to be there for ultrasounds.
There are so many more things I'm thankful for. I'm thankful that we have insurance. I'm thankful that I'm able to get answers. I'm thankful we get to try again. I'm thankful I'm graduating in 42 days. I can't wait to work again.
Sean and I will be closing the New Jersey chapter of our life very soon, and I honestly can't wait to start the next one. It's going to be great.
Last night in the support group, a new couple came. They shared their story of losing their son at 34 weeks and how she almost lost her life too. The husband shared that he feels like he can't really grieve because he's so happy that his wife is alive and healthy. He's thankful for her life. Of course he's sad about their loss, but said he was just so grateful she was ok. This really got me thinking about my blessings. I don't talk about them nearly enough.
First of all, Sean. I know I've mentioned it many times before, but he's been my rock. My #1 supporter. I really couldn't ask for a better partner. He's there in the good times and the awful times. He's always there to listen to my craziness and my anxiety. He keeps me calm (or at least, he tries). He keeps me grounded, a lot of the time. He supports me in all aspects. He's been supportive and understanding during the last 2 years of grad school. I don't think I would have been able to even go if it weren't for him. He's appreciative of me. He loves me. I love that man..more than I can possibly say and am so thankful for him every day.
My friends. So many of my friends have been checking in on me. Offering their support. A lot of my classmates I consider friends and have been very supportive. Even though after we move back home, I'll probably never see most of them again (which, makes me sad) I can't even begin to explain how much it means to me that they were there during my darkest hour. I'll never forget that and will always be thankful. I'm glad that we live in a day where I can still keep in touch with all of them, even if I never actually see them again.
My mom. Even though she's 1100 miles away, she's been great. She listens to me cry. She encourages me. She reassures me. I know my mom is still hurting too, but she tries to put that on the back burner when we talk about it. I want to make her a grandmother so bad. And I will. And she knows I will. My mom will be one of the few people who will know when we get pregnant again and I can't wait to involve her in every aspect of it. I want her to be there for ultrasounds.
There are so many more things I'm thankful for. I'm thankful that we have insurance. I'm thankful that I'm able to get answers. I'm thankful we get to try again. I'm thankful I'm graduating in 42 days. I can't wait to work again.
Sean and I will be closing the New Jersey chapter of our life very soon, and I honestly can't wait to start the next one. It's going to be great.
Friday, March 29, 2013
The Nightmare Doesn't End There...
I went in for my 3D ultrasound today. First, I had to have saline injected in my uterus, which was so much fun, you guys. Then the ultrasound started. During the ultrasound, the doc thought I might have a "partial septate" but wasn't 100% sure. So, she said she was going to look at the pictures with the specialist I was seeing and call me.
A few hours went by and I finally heard from her. So, they don't think I have a septate. But I do, apparently, have "quite a few" polyps in my uterus that are a pretty good size. That indicates they've been there for a while. I also have a scar tissue situation, which she thinks may have been from the procedure last month, but it's hard to tell. So, I need to have a procedure called a hysteroscopy done to remove all of that business. They also will verify whether or not I have a septate. If I do, it will be removed at that time. It's an outpatient procedure, but I do have to go under general anesthesia again, which I'm not thrilled about.
From my own research, I've found that having multiple polyps can make you a higher risk for miscarriage. So yeah. Now of course I'm left with the question of whether it was actually the chromosomal problem or the uterus. I'll never know. But I'm glad I know now and am fixing it.
I feel so broken. I feel frustrated. At times I want off the roller coaster. But...I'll keep riding the roller coaster. Going with the twists and turns. Because I've never wanted something so bad in my life. I know in the end when I'm holding our baby it's going to be so worth it.
(Just please let the end of the ride be near...)
A few hours went by and I finally heard from her. So, they don't think I have a septate. But I do, apparently, have "quite a few" polyps in my uterus that are a pretty good size. That indicates they've been there for a while. I also have a scar tissue situation, which she thinks may have been from the procedure last month, but it's hard to tell. So, I need to have a procedure called a hysteroscopy done to remove all of that business. They also will verify whether or not I have a septate. If I do, it will be removed at that time. It's an outpatient procedure, but I do have to go under general anesthesia again, which I'm not thrilled about.
From my own research, I've found that having multiple polyps can make you a higher risk for miscarriage. So yeah. Now of course I'm left with the question of whether it was actually the chromosomal problem or the uterus. I'll never know. But I'm glad I know now and am fixing it.
I feel so broken. I feel frustrated. At times I want off the roller coaster. But...I'll keep riding the roller coaster. Going with the twists and turns. Because I've never wanted something so bad in my life. I know in the end when I'm holding our baby it's going to be so worth it.
(Just please let the end of the ride be near...)
Sunday, March 24, 2013
They're Always With Me & My Quest for Answers
I wanted something to wear to always have my two angel babies with me. I bought this charm bracelet:
This week hasn't been easy. I'm still getting people asking how my baby is, and so I've been explaining that more than I'd like. I think at this point, though, most people who knew I was pregnant also know I am no longer pregnant. So, I think those questions will stop. I'm still struggling with the news of why our baby passed. I kind of feel like as a social worker, I should be able to handle this sort of news better. Like, I advocate for those that are disabled, disenfranchised, etc. So I feel sort of like a hypocrite feeling some relief that our child didn't have to live a more challenging life. I've been trying to process these feelings with my supervisor and other fellow social workers. And they've all essentially said the same thing: You're a human first. Being a social worker doesn't protect you from feeling your feelings. It hits so much harder when it's so close to home.
But, while we have the answer that more than likely Trisomy 21 is the reason we lost our little girl, I'm not totally satisfied with it. And my doctor has been very understanding and sensitive to this. I'm very appreciative of that. So, on Thursday, I'm having a 3D ultrasound (essentially) of my uterus to rule out any further abnormalities. When we first started the fertility testing, it was discovered that my uterus was Y shaped. At the time, the doctor didn't feel it was necessary to do any further testing. But, one cause of a Y shaped uterus is called a "septate." This is essentially where you have a septum that can usually be removed. Or, my uterus may just be shaped funny and that's something I have to deal with. But, I need to know for sure. Because if something can be fixed, I want it fixed.
Sean had his blood drawn Tuesday for the genetic testing. In 3 weeks, I'll be having bloodwork drawn to (hopefully) rule out a clotting problem and I will also have genetic testing done at that time, to (hopefully) rule out anything that I need to be aware of. Most of the time with Trisomy 21, it's just a random error and has nothing to do with the parent's genetics. But again, I'm wanting to get any and all tests I can get done at this point. I'll feel better knowing that when we start trying again this summer, we'll be armed with all of the information we need. I feel good about it all. I just wish I could be ignorant to what COULD go wrong with pregnancy. But, we're well past that point and I'll definitely need to continue therapy once I'm pregnant again.
I've also reached the point where I am officially uncomfortable with my weight. So, time to get serious again. Gotta get my body as ready as possible for our next little one. I'm starting to get get to the point of getting antsy to want to try again. The timing isn't good just yet -- I need to finish this master's and get the hell out of New Jersey. I graduate in 51 days and we leave NJ in 55 days. So close I can almost reach it.
The card I got with it explains what the bracelet means:
"Life" - with a crystal in the color of the month that you baby was conceived, and a new life entered yours.
"Butterfly" - with a crystal in the color of the month your baby passed away, and was free to fly like a beautiful, carefree butterfly.
"Wish" - with a crystal in the color of the month that you baby was originally due, when you hoped and wished your baby would be in your arms.
This bracelet not only memorizes Bootsie, but our first baby that was gone too soon.
But, while we have the answer that more than likely Trisomy 21 is the reason we lost our little girl, I'm not totally satisfied with it. And my doctor has been very understanding and sensitive to this. I'm very appreciative of that. So, on Thursday, I'm having a 3D ultrasound (essentially) of my uterus to rule out any further abnormalities. When we first started the fertility testing, it was discovered that my uterus was Y shaped. At the time, the doctor didn't feel it was necessary to do any further testing. But, one cause of a Y shaped uterus is called a "septate." This is essentially where you have a septum that can usually be removed. Or, my uterus may just be shaped funny and that's something I have to deal with. But, I need to know for sure. Because if something can be fixed, I want it fixed.
Sean had his blood drawn Tuesday for the genetic testing. In 3 weeks, I'll be having bloodwork drawn to (hopefully) rule out a clotting problem and I will also have genetic testing done at that time, to (hopefully) rule out anything that I need to be aware of. Most of the time with Trisomy 21, it's just a random error and has nothing to do with the parent's genetics. But again, I'm wanting to get any and all tests I can get done at this point. I'll feel better knowing that when we start trying again this summer, we'll be armed with all of the information we need. I feel good about it all. I just wish I could be ignorant to what COULD go wrong with pregnancy. But, we're well past that point and I'll definitely need to continue therapy once I'm pregnant again.
I've also reached the point where I am officially uncomfortable with my weight. So, time to get serious again. Gotta get my body as ready as possible for our next little one. I'm starting to get get to the point of getting antsy to want to try again. The timing isn't good just yet -- I need to finish this master's and get the hell out of New Jersey. I graduate in 51 days and we leave NJ in 55 days. So close I can almost reach it.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Anger, part deux
Oh, Hi Anger. So nice of you to come back.
I went to the doctor today for a one month post-procedure appointment. I had been doing pretty well until yesterday, so I thought going to the doctor would be no big thing.
Wrong.
As soon as we walked in and sat down, I started to tear up. The last time I was at that office was the day we found out she was gone. Luckily, Sean came with me today, so I wasn't just sobbing alone. Of course, there was a baby there. And of course, a pregnant lady came in after me and sat DIRECTLY across from me. I couldn't look at her. I looked at the floor, ceiling...anything but her. When I finally got called back, it got worse. The crying just started and it took a while to stop.
The doctor came in and explained to us again that this is usually just a random thing that happens. Of course, I still think it was me. Bad eggs? Bad genes? Of course! All me. Deep down the logical part of me is still there and I know that this isn't the case. But I'm not really that logical right now.
I'm happy to have a sort-of answer. I mean, there are women who carry babies who have Down's Syndrome to term all the time. So, while Trisomy 21 is probably the cause of the loss, there's still a lot of questions. Because of this, in a month, I'm going to be tested to rule out clotting problems. Sean and I are also going to be tested genetically to make sure we aren't carriers of anything that could cause Down's Syndrome or any other chromosomal abnormality. Sean was tested today. I'll be tested in a month for these, plus the clotting issue.
So, we still wait.
But because of all of this information, my anger is definitely starting to come back up today. While I was waiting for Sean to get his blood drawn today, I really started to stew.
Not only do we need medicine to get pregnant..
Not only do I have to get vaginal ultrasound and tons of blood work to get pregnant...
Not only have we had 2 miscarriages..
Now, we are doing genetic testing.
Something that should be a joyous event is turning into a frustrating process. At this point, when I do get pregnant, I'm not going to be a smiley, glowy pregnant woman. I'm going to be terrified the whole time. I'm going to be on edge. I probably won't tell anyone outside of immediately family and very close friends until I'm at least 20 weeks or more. And buying things for the baby will probably wait too.
Despite all of this, though, I'm not giving up. This isn't the first struggle of my life. When I want something, I don't give up until I get it. The best things in life are worth waiting for. Worth fighting for. We will have our baby.
I went to the doctor today for a one month post-procedure appointment. I had been doing pretty well until yesterday, so I thought going to the doctor would be no big thing.
Wrong.
As soon as we walked in and sat down, I started to tear up. The last time I was at that office was the day we found out she was gone. Luckily, Sean came with me today, so I wasn't just sobbing alone. Of course, there was a baby there. And of course, a pregnant lady came in after me and sat DIRECTLY across from me. I couldn't look at her. I looked at the floor, ceiling...anything but her. When I finally got called back, it got worse. The crying just started and it took a while to stop.
The doctor came in and explained to us again that this is usually just a random thing that happens. Of course, I still think it was me. Bad eggs? Bad genes? Of course! All me. Deep down the logical part of me is still there and I know that this isn't the case. But I'm not really that logical right now.
I'm happy to have a sort-of answer. I mean, there are women who carry babies who have Down's Syndrome to term all the time. So, while Trisomy 21 is probably the cause of the loss, there's still a lot of questions. Because of this, in a month, I'm going to be tested to rule out clotting problems. Sean and I are also going to be tested genetically to make sure we aren't carriers of anything that could cause Down's Syndrome or any other chromosomal abnormality. Sean was tested today. I'll be tested in a month for these, plus the clotting issue.
So, we still wait.
But because of all of this information, my anger is definitely starting to come back up today. While I was waiting for Sean to get his blood drawn today, I really started to stew.
Not only do we need medicine to get pregnant..
Not only do I have to get vaginal ultrasound and tons of blood work to get pregnant...
Not only have we had 2 miscarriages..
Now, we are doing genetic testing.
Something that should be a joyous event is turning into a frustrating process. At this point, when I do get pregnant, I'm not going to be a smiley, glowy pregnant woman. I'm going to be terrified the whole time. I'm going to be on edge. I probably won't tell anyone outside of immediately family and very close friends until I'm at least 20 weeks or more. And buying things for the baby will probably wait too.
Despite all of this, though, I'm not giving up. This isn't the first struggle of my life. When I want something, I don't give up until I get it. The best things in life are worth waiting for. Worth fighting for. We will have our baby.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Daughter
We would have had a daughter.
The tests came back today. Our daughter had an extra chromosome on 21, which indicates Down's Syndrome.
I kept my cool while I was on the phone with the doctor. He explained that this is just something random that happens and it has no impact on future risks. We don't have a higher chance of having a Down's Syndrome baby.
As soon as I got off the phone, however, I completely lost it. Knowing the gender made this whole thing so much more real.
Then I was left with processing the rest of the information. Down's Syndrome. The doctor that confirmed our baby was gone told us that 50% of Down Syndrome babies die in utero. He explained that that was most likely the reason. So, it's not like this news was unexpected. But, it still a hell of a lot to take in.
We would have loved her no matter what. My love for her was already so strong in just the short amount of time I got to carry her.
But now I'm going to say the thing you aren't supposed to say: part of me is relieved that she didn't have to struggle.
Her life would have been challenging. I know that of all the cognitive disabilities, Down's is probably the most...optimistic? Is that the right word? But, it still wouldn't have been easy for her. Kids are mean. People are mean. People make fun of people. As someone who was made fun up for the majority of my childhood, I wouldn't have wanted that for my child. And my fear for her would have been just that. I know that I can't control other people. I know that my earth baby could be perfectly healthy and still get made fun of. I'm aware of all of that.
I feel guilty saying this. Especially as a social worker. MR/DD is one of my passion fields, too. Which I guess is why I am aware of the challenges. But I tell you what. Had she come here, I would have been an (even more) bad ass advocate for that population. Maybe I still will.
All of that being said...I still wanted her very much. I DO still want her. I wish she was still in my belly growing. But she's not, and while I accept it, I still struggle with it every single day.
I know they say you don't get more than you can handle. I know I'm a strong woman. Sean and I are a strong couple. But obviously, us having to go through this was what we could handle and not having a baby with special needs. At least not right now. And I have to make peace with that.
I'll always love you, my little girl.
The tests came back today. Our daughter had an extra chromosome on 21, which indicates Down's Syndrome.
I kept my cool while I was on the phone with the doctor. He explained that this is just something random that happens and it has no impact on future risks. We don't have a higher chance of having a Down's Syndrome baby.
As soon as I got off the phone, however, I completely lost it. Knowing the gender made this whole thing so much more real.
Then I was left with processing the rest of the information. Down's Syndrome. The doctor that confirmed our baby was gone told us that 50% of Down Syndrome babies die in utero. He explained that that was most likely the reason. So, it's not like this news was unexpected. But, it still a hell of a lot to take in.
We would have loved her no matter what. My love for her was already so strong in just the short amount of time I got to carry her.
But now I'm going to say the thing you aren't supposed to say: part of me is relieved that she didn't have to struggle.
Her life would have been challenging. I know that of all the cognitive disabilities, Down's is probably the most...optimistic? Is that the right word? But, it still wouldn't have been easy for her. Kids are mean. People are mean. People make fun of people. As someone who was made fun up for the majority of my childhood, I wouldn't have wanted that for my child. And my fear for her would have been just that. I know that I can't control other people. I know that my earth baby could be perfectly healthy and still get made fun of. I'm aware of all of that.
I feel guilty saying this. Especially as a social worker. MR/DD is one of my passion fields, too. Which I guess is why I am aware of the challenges. But I tell you what. Had she come here, I would have been an (even more) bad ass advocate for that population. Maybe I still will.
All of that being said...I still wanted her very much. I DO still want her. I wish she was still in my belly growing. But she's not, and while I accept it, I still struggle with it every single day.
I know they say you don't get more than you can handle. I know I'm a strong woman. Sean and I are a strong couple. But obviously, us having to go through this was what we could handle and not having a baby with special needs. At least not right now. And I have to make peace with that.
I'll always love you, my little girl.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
One Month
It's been one month since we found out our little Bootsie was gone.
At first, the time was going by so slowly. Recently, I feel like it's been forever. It's been a weird month.
I've been trying to keep busy. Keep my mind occupied. But almost everything I do reminds me of Bootsie. Sean and I just got home from a trip to DC. Things were going well until we visited the Smithsonian. I was doing fine. There were a lot of babies and kids there and I was feeling ok. Then...we went into a skeleton exhibit. And they had a baby's skeleton. And I lost it. Like...cried in the Smithsonian.
To say it's been rough is an understatement. Especially considering the tremendous amount of people I know who are pregnant right now. I try really hard to keep my jealousy under control. Some days are better than others. I know that I'll have my baby soon and I'll be that happy pregnant person who has a healthy baby growing inside of them. Obviously, the timing isn't right now.
I've never been so sad in my life. I can't really describe it. I can fake my way through a day. Most people don't even realize the depth of my sadness. But my mind is not a pretty place to be right now. I've been trying to do things to grieve. We did the star thing. I've been doing counseling. We went to a support group. But damn. My sadness is still the front runner of emotions.
I feel bad for saying this...but I'm tired of being sad. I miss my baby so much. I wish I didn't have to miss my baby. I wish my baby was still growing inside of me. I still can't bring myself to take the ultrasound pics off the fridge. It doesn't seem fair that I have to experience this pain.
I've been really trying to focus on all of the positives in my life. I feel bad when I start to get sad and ask the "Why me?" questions. I know I'm allowed to feel what I feel. But damn. I have so much to be thankful for. Why can't I focus on that? Why am I letting this one thing (albeit, a HUGE thing) get me so damn sad? I have such an emptiness, a void, that only my baby can fill.
I know that we're meant to have our child. Why else would this loss be affecting me so much if that weren't the case? I honestly didn't realize how badly I want a child until Bootsie was gone. I'm going to fight for this. For our baby. For our family. When I want something, I don't give up. When I set my mind to something, I make it happen. So, it will happen. Sean and I are more determined now to have our baby.
We still don't have answers. We're still waiting on the test results to come back. I have an appointment next week with my doctor to follow up on testing on me. I want answers. I need answers. But until we have them. I wait. I try to keep occupied. Fake my way through days. Hoping that the next day will be the day I don't have to fake it anymore... I'm exhausted.
At first, the time was going by so slowly. Recently, I feel like it's been forever. It's been a weird month.
I've been trying to keep busy. Keep my mind occupied. But almost everything I do reminds me of Bootsie. Sean and I just got home from a trip to DC. Things were going well until we visited the Smithsonian. I was doing fine. There were a lot of babies and kids there and I was feeling ok. Then...we went into a skeleton exhibit. And they had a baby's skeleton. And I lost it. Like...cried in the Smithsonian.
To say it's been rough is an understatement. Especially considering the tremendous amount of people I know who are pregnant right now. I try really hard to keep my jealousy under control. Some days are better than others. I know that I'll have my baby soon and I'll be that happy pregnant person who has a healthy baby growing inside of them. Obviously, the timing isn't right now.
I've never been so sad in my life. I can't really describe it. I can fake my way through a day. Most people don't even realize the depth of my sadness. But my mind is not a pretty place to be right now. I've been trying to do things to grieve. We did the star thing. I've been doing counseling. We went to a support group. But damn. My sadness is still the front runner of emotions.
I feel bad for saying this...but I'm tired of being sad. I miss my baby so much. I wish I didn't have to miss my baby. I wish my baby was still growing inside of me. I still can't bring myself to take the ultrasound pics off the fridge. It doesn't seem fair that I have to experience this pain.
I've been really trying to focus on all of the positives in my life. I feel bad when I start to get sad and ask the "Why me?" questions. I know I'm allowed to feel what I feel. But damn. I have so much to be thankful for. Why can't I focus on that? Why am I letting this one thing (albeit, a HUGE thing) get me so damn sad? I have such an emptiness, a void, that only my baby can fill.
I know that we're meant to have our child. Why else would this loss be affecting me so much if that weren't the case? I honestly didn't realize how badly I want a child until Bootsie was gone. I'm going to fight for this. For our baby. For our family. When I want something, I don't give up. When I set my mind to something, I make it happen. So, it will happen. Sean and I are more determined now to have our baby.
We still don't have answers. We're still waiting on the test results to come back. I have an appointment next week with my doctor to follow up on testing on me. I want answers. I need answers. But until we have them. I wait. I try to keep occupied. Fake my way through days. Hoping that the next day will be the day I don't have to fake it anymore... I'm exhausted.
Friday, March 8, 2013
On being nice to myself...
This past week I only cried once. But, it was in a room full of strangers.
On Monday, Sean and I went to our first miscarriage support group. There was one other couple there, along with a woman who did not come with her husband. It was...nice...to be in a room of people who knew exactly what we were feeling. Even the facilitator had been in the situation. I shared our story and started crying immediately. But, they let me take my time, let me cry and listened. It didn't make them uncomfortable to hear our story. I was able to talk about my anger, my fears.
As good at it made me feel to share, listened to the other stories scared me. They had all had much later losses (37w and 41w). It made me incredibly sad for them, and almost...guilty? I mean, their babies would have been viable outside of the womb, whereas little Bootsie wouldn't have been. But I know that deep down, they weren't minimizing my loss. Just because my loss was different doesn't make it any less painful.
The next day, I had my second counseling session. And a lot of my other bullshit started to come out. She's starting to peel me like an onion. Which is good because I know I have unresolved issues that pop up. My anxiety, for one. It's out of control, especially lately. I'm able to control it in public, at school and appear calm. But my mind is a hot mess a lot of the time. So, bottom line...I'm glad I'm going.
One of the issues that I talked about was the fact that I am very critical of myself. It's very hard for me to accept compliments. I know a lot of that stems from the years of bullying I endured. But I'm almost 30, people. That shit shouldn't still be affecting me. But it does. And I hate that it does. But I'm going to work through it. My counselor basically said that I need to learn how to be nice to myself.
It's been three weeks since my procedure. Within the next week or two, we should be getting the results back from the baby. I'm ready to know. I have my appointment with my OB/GYN week after next. I'm ready to get the testing started on me too. I'm getting to a place where I'm getting comfortable with trying again. Although, we don't plan to do another round of medicine until after we move. The next 8 weeks or so are going to be crazy busy, with me finishing up school (forever!) and my internship. We're moving in 10 weeks. Once we get settled, we'll be in full baby-makin' mode.
Until then, I'm just gonna keep focusing on me, my health, school and my marriage. Sean and I are taking a little trip to D.C. this weekend for a few days. We need to get away. It'll be nice to do this...do a little sight seeing. Once we get back, I'll have to be back in school mode, as I have a million things due the following week.
Ready for this New Jersey chapter to be over. Can't wait for the new one to start. I feel like good things are coming our way...
On Monday, Sean and I went to our first miscarriage support group. There was one other couple there, along with a woman who did not come with her husband. It was...nice...to be in a room of people who knew exactly what we were feeling. Even the facilitator had been in the situation. I shared our story and started crying immediately. But, they let me take my time, let me cry and listened. It didn't make them uncomfortable to hear our story. I was able to talk about my anger, my fears.
As good at it made me feel to share, listened to the other stories scared me. They had all had much later losses (37w and 41w). It made me incredibly sad for them, and almost...guilty? I mean, their babies would have been viable outside of the womb, whereas little Bootsie wouldn't have been. But I know that deep down, they weren't minimizing my loss. Just because my loss was different doesn't make it any less painful.
The next day, I had my second counseling session. And a lot of my other bullshit started to come out. She's starting to peel me like an onion. Which is good because I know I have unresolved issues that pop up. My anxiety, for one. It's out of control, especially lately. I'm able to control it in public, at school and appear calm. But my mind is a hot mess a lot of the time. So, bottom line...I'm glad I'm going.
One of the issues that I talked about was the fact that I am very critical of myself. It's very hard for me to accept compliments. I know a lot of that stems from the years of bullying I endured. But I'm almost 30, people. That shit shouldn't still be affecting me. But it does. And I hate that it does. But I'm going to work through it. My counselor basically said that I need to learn how to be nice to myself.
It's been three weeks since my procedure. Within the next week or two, we should be getting the results back from the baby. I'm ready to know. I have my appointment with my OB/GYN week after next. I'm ready to get the testing started on me too. I'm getting to a place where I'm getting comfortable with trying again. Although, we don't plan to do another round of medicine until after we move. The next 8 weeks or so are going to be crazy busy, with me finishing up school (forever!) and my internship. We're moving in 10 weeks. Once we get settled, we'll be in full baby-makin' mode.
Until then, I'm just gonna keep focusing on me, my health, school and my marriage. Sean and I are taking a little trip to D.C. this weekend for a few days. We need to get away. It'll be nice to do this...do a little sight seeing. Once we get back, I'll have to be back in school mode, as I have a million things due the following week.
Ready for this New Jersey chapter to be over. Can't wait for the new one to start. I feel like good things are coming our way...
Sunday, March 3, 2013
On how faking it can only last so long...
This past week started off rocky. I had my daily cry, as I had been for 2 weeks. Then Wednesday and Thursday weren't bad. In fact, I was able to talk about the situation without crying. I was feeling better.
Then Friday happened. Sean and I went grocery shopping. And to me, it felt like everyone had a baby with them. I kept trying to fake my way through it...how it was no big deal. Then I blew up at Sean over cake mix.
CAKE MIX, PEOPLE.
Then I completely lost my shit.
You guys...my heart is still in a million pieces. I'm pissed off that I'm considering buying a memorial bracelet for my angel babies. I'm pissed off that I'm not shopping for nursery furniture and baby clothes. I'm pissed off that I'm in so much pain. I'm pissed off that I'm so sad all the time. I'm pissed off that I have to fake being ok.
This is exactly why I needed to take a month off from life. But I know that's not possible. I have to finish grad school. Sean and I have to get the hell out of this state. So, in order to get done what I have to get done, I'm like a robot in public. I smile, I make conversation. I act like I'm ok with this situation. But clearly, I'm not. But no one actually wants to hear about my pain, aside from my counselor, Sean and (hopefully) the support group.
I feel like this whole thing would be a million times easier if we were back home. I'd have my family. I'd have my friends. I'd have a lot of distractions. I'm trying to keep myself busy here but obviously it's not working.
I'm really trying to control my anger and jealousy, especially toward other happily pregnant women. Because I know I'll be one of them soon. So... I'm just trying to think about that when I start feeling this way.
I've been completely down on myself lately. I put myself down...pretty much as often as I can. Is this helpful? No. Because I think I deserve it, because I often think that this happened because of something I did, or didn't do. Since we're still in the waiting period, this is all I can think. So, I've been taking it out on myself. Like hardcore. I'm reverting to my 16 year old self...when I put myself down all the time. Because I had zero self esteem back then.
Sean's been my rock through this whole thing. He keeps saying how he hates seeing me like this and wishes there was something he could do for me. I wish there was something to do for me. I wish something could take this pain away. I want to feel like myself again. I want to feel happy. Basically, I just want to not feel like shit anymore. And I know at this point, only time can really do that.
I do have two books on making sense of this situation. Maybe if I try to intellectualize this, it will help. So, I may try soon. We'll see. Tomorrow is our first support group meeting, which I hope will be helpful.
So...hopefully I won't have to fake it much more. Hopefully soon I'll start to feel like myself again. Hopefully we'll have answers soon.
Then Friday happened. Sean and I went grocery shopping. And to me, it felt like everyone had a baby with them. I kept trying to fake my way through it...how it was no big deal. Then I blew up at Sean over cake mix.
CAKE MIX, PEOPLE.
Then I completely lost my shit.
You guys...my heart is still in a million pieces. I'm pissed off that I'm considering buying a memorial bracelet for my angel babies. I'm pissed off that I'm not shopping for nursery furniture and baby clothes. I'm pissed off that I'm in so much pain. I'm pissed off that I'm so sad all the time. I'm pissed off that I have to fake being ok.
This is exactly why I needed to take a month off from life. But I know that's not possible. I have to finish grad school. Sean and I have to get the hell out of this state. So, in order to get done what I have to get done, I'm like a robot in public. I smile, I make conversation. I act like I'm ok with this situation. But clearly, I'm not. But no one actually wants to hear about my pain, aside from my counselor, Sean and (hopefully) the support group.
I feel like this whole thing would be a million times easier if we were back home. I'd have my family. I'd have my friends. I'd have a lot of distractions. I'm trying to keep myself busy here but obviously it's not working.
I'm really trying to control my anger and jealousy, especially toward other happily pregnant women. Because I know I'll be one of them soon. So... I'm just trying to think about that when I start feeling this way.
I've been completely down on myself lately. I put myself down...pretty much as often as I can. Is this helpful? No. Because I think I deserve it, because I often think that this happened because of something I did, or didn't do. Since we're still in the waiting period, this is all I can think. So, I've been taking it out on myself. Like hardcore. I'm reverting to my 16 year old self...when I put myself down all the time. Because I had zero self esteem back then.
Sean's been my rock through this whole thing. He keeps saying how he hates seeing me like this and wishes there was something he could do for me. I wish there was something to do for me. I wish something could take this pain away. I want to feel like myself again. I want to feel happy. Basically, I just want to not feel like shit anymore. And I know at this point, only time can really do that.
I do have two books on making sense of this situation. Maybe if I try to intellectualize this, it will help. So, I may try soon. We'll see. Tomorrow is our first support group meeting, which I hope will be helpful.
So...hopefully I won't have to fake it much more. Hopefully soon I'll start to feel like myself again. Hopefully we'll have answers soon.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Progress
"Did you find out what you're having yet?"
"I have a lot of respect for you because you're finishing the program and you're pregnant. How is that going?"
These are two questions I had to answer this week. And I was able to talk about it without crying. Also, yesterday was the first day since we found out that I didn't cry. So, I've made progress.
Don't get me wrong. My heart is still in a million pieces. I still have days where I'm incredibly sad. I'm still experiencing the anger. I can't really look at pictures my friends are posting of their kids. But, one step at a time.
Since we are still in the waiting period of finding out why this happened and because we haven't gotten the all clear for trying again yet, I'm trying to refocus my energy on three things:
1. School
2. Exercise
3. Job Hunting
I only have 8 weeks of class left. By the way, 8 weeks of class left for school FOREVER. I'm done after this. A Master's Degree is all I'll ever need. So, yeah. D-U-N. The majority of my schoolwork this semester is group work. So, I'm just trying to be a good group member and get things done. Plus. You guys. I'm so ready to graduate. You remember in high school getting senioritis? Yeah, it's like that, except 100 times worse.
I gained probably 10-15 lbs during my pregnancy. Which I'm now trying to lose. I'm hoping to be pregnant again in a few months and I need to get my body as healthy as possible for that. Plus, exercise does make me feel good. So, I've been getting back into running. Sean and I are signed up for a 5 mile race in April. So, I have 2 months to get ready for that. Not that I think I'll necessarily be ready for a 5 mile run, but I bet I can run a little more than half of that. I've also been thinking about joining Weight Watchers again to help with the weight loss. I've been watching what I'm eating, measuring portions, etc. My goal is to lose at least 10 pounds before graduation. I think I can do it.
Now that plans have changed, I'm on the job track. I've updated my resume, I've drafted a cover letter. I plan to send my resume to as many places in Columbia as possible. I've decided to wait until I get home to take the social work license test. I think it'll just be so much easier than way. But, I am taking a class this month to prepare for the test. I do miss working and I can't wait to have a job again. Although obviously, I'd much rather have Bootsie and put off working until the fall.
Next week, Sean and I are going to a support group. I'm really looking forward to that. I'm really looking forward to talking to a group of people who actually KNOW what we're going through. I also see my counselor again next week. I'm taking care of myself the best I can to heal my mind, spirit and heart. This certainly hasn't been easy, but I know that I'm handling it the best I can. I know I'll be ok. And I really feel like the next baby will be ours to take home.
"I have a lot of respect for you because you're finishing the program and you're pregnant. How is that going?"
These are two questions I had to answer this week. And I was able to talk about it without crying. Also, yesterday was the first day since we found out that I didn't cry. So, I've made progress.
Don't get me wrong. My heart is still in a million pieces. I still have days where I'm incredibly sad. I'm still experiencing the anger. I can't really look at pictures my friends are posting of their kids. But, one step at a time.
Since we are still in the waiting period of finding out why this happened and because we haven't gotten the all clear for trying again yet, I'm trying to refocus my energy on three things:
1. School
2. Exercise
3. Job Hunting
I only have 8 weeks of class left. By the way, 8 weeks of class left for school FOREVER. I'm done after this. A Master's Degree is all I'll ever need. So, yeah. D-U-N. The majority of my schoolwork this semester is group work. So, I'm just trying to be a good group member and get things done. Plus. You guys. I'm so ready to graduate. You remember in high school getting senioritis? Yeah, it's like that, except 100 times worse.
I gained probably 10-15 lbs during my pregnancy. Which I'm now trying to lose. I'm hoping to be pregnant again in a few months and I need to get my body as healthy as possible for that. Plus, exercise does make me feel good. So, I've been getting back into running. Sean and I are signed up for a 5 mile race in April. So, I have 2 months to get ready for that. Not that I think I'll necessarily be ready for a 5 mile run, but I bet I can run a little more than half of that. I've also been thinking about joining Weight Watchers again to help with the weight loss. I've been watching what I'm eating, measuring portions, etc. My goal is to lose at least 10 pounds before graduation. I think I can do it.
Now that plans have changed, I'm on the job track. I've updated my resume, I've drafted a cover letter. I plan to send my resume to as many places in Columbia as possible. I've decided to wait until I get home to take the social work license test. I think it'll just be so much easier than way. But, I am taking a class this month to prepare for the test. I do miss working and I can't wait to have a job again. Although obviously, I'd much rather have Bootsie and put off working until the fall.
Next week, Sean and I are going to a support group. I'm really looking forward to that. I'm really looking forward to talking to a group of people who actually KNOW what we're going through. I also see my counselor again next week. I'm taking care of myself the best I can to heal my mind, spirit and heart. This certainly hasn't been easy, but I know that I'm handling it the best I can. I know I'll be ok. And I really feel like the next baby will be ours to take home.
Monday, February 25, 2013
My joy in this pain
Today we were supposed to be finding out the sex of our baby. Instead, we're left with all of the unknown. The questions. The whys. Last night, while trying to fall asleep, I burst into tears. I couldn't sleep. Because of my lack of sleep, I stayed home today. Plus, I knew today wouldn't be a good day. I miss my baby so much. I miss the connection. I feel so...empty.
This situation has made my insecurity bullshit pop up. I feel broken. A lot of days I feel hopeless. I feel like it'll never happen. (Although, I have no intent of giving up). I feel like I let everyone down. I let Sean down. I don't feel very attractive to him right now. I hurt his feelings yesterday when I asked him if he was still attracted to me. Which, of course, wasn't my intent. But it's my old Sarah bullshit coming to play.
In spite of all of the darkness that surrounds me right now, I have one constant light: Sean. I don't know how I ended up with someone as wonderful as him. I honestly didn't think anyone like him existed. I didn't think I deserved someone like him. His unconditional love. His support. He makes me feel beautiful when I think I look like hell. He lets me know everyday how much he loves me.
I've not been the easiest person to live with as of recently. It takes something incredibly small to get me angry. I start crying for no reason. I've been putting myself down. I'm trying really hard to get out of this funk, but I know it's going to take me a while. I mean, this whole experience has been so traumatic and I have every reason to feel why I do. I'm still grieving.
But I know, in times of happiness and sadness, that Sean will always be there for me. He's been incredibly understanding and supportive. I know we're meant to have our baby. Why would we both want it so much if it weren't meant to be? I know when we do finally get our baby to take home, Sean is going to be an amazing father. A great role model. And he'll continue to be a wonderful husband.
I'm ready (and I know he's ready) to close this New Jersey chapter of our lives. It's not been easy, but we've gotten through it together. I hope we're paid up for a while on the bad shit. I hope that it'll be our turn soon to experience the joy of a child. The joy of being back home. Feeling like we belong.
I know that our lives together won't always be easy. I know other bad things will happen. But, we'll get through it together. I'm just looking forward to a little joy. We deserve it.
This situation has made my insecurity bullshit pop up. I feel broken. A lot of days I feel hopeless. I feel like it'll never happen. (Although, I have no intent of giving up). I feel like I let everyone down. I let Sean down. I don't feel very attractive to him right now. I hurt his feelings yesterday when I asked him if he was still attracted to me. Which, of course, wasn't my intent. But it's my old Sarah bullshit coming to play.
In spite of all of the darkness that surrounds me right now, I have one constant light: Sean. I don't know how I ended up with someone as wonderful as him. I honestly didn't think anyone like him existed. I didn't think I deserved someone like him. His unconditional love. His support. He makes me feel beautiful when I think I look like hell. He lets me know everyday how much he loves me.
I've not been the easiest person to live with as of recently. It takes something incredibly small to get me angry. I start crying for no reason. I've been putting myself down. I'm trying really hard to get out of this funk, but I know it's going to take me a while. I mean, this whole experience has been so traumatic and I have every reason to feel why I do. I'm still grieving.
But I know, in times of happiness and sadness, that Sean will always be there for me. He's been incredibly understanding and supportive. I know we're meant to have our baby. Why would we both want it so much if it weren't meant to be? I know when we do finally get our baby to take home, Sean is going to be an amazing father. A great role model. And he'll continue to be a wonderful husband.
I'm ready (and I know he's ready) to close this New Jersey chapter of our lives. It's not been easy, but we've gotten through it together. I hope we're paid up for a while on the bad shit. I hope that it'll be our turn soon to experience the joy of a child. The joy of being back home. Feeling like we belong.
I know that our lives together won't always be easy. I know other bad things will happen. But, we'll get through it together. I'm just looking forward to a little joy. We deserve it.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
My First Week Back
This past week was my first week back to "normal" life. But, I took it very easy on myself. I only went to my internship one day and went to all of my classes.
I got so many hugs, you guys. And a lot of people telling me how sorry they were and to let them know if there was anything they could do. It was nice. A lot of people were surprised that I came back so soon. But, I don't really have the luxury of taking the actual time I need. Graduation is 80ish days away...I don't have the time to waste. So, I've pretty much decided to make myself a robot. Trying to do what I need to do, feeling as little as possible. Getting everything done so we can leave this terrible state.
To say I've been an emotional rollercoaster lately is an understatement. One minute I'm sad, the next I'm irrationally angry. I've cried more in the past week than I have in my entire life. Today I asked Sean if I would ever be pleasant again.
My anger has been the very prominent emotion lately. I already know July is going to be a rough month for me. Today Kim Kardashain announced what she's having and I got so angry. I was supposed to find out on Monday what we were supposed to have. Which means she is due around the same time I'm due. And I get irrationally angry with this. Like, why does she deserve to have a baby and I don't get mine? I know these thoughts are completely ridiculous and irrational. But seriously. I just have a feeling this anger thing is going to be sticking around for a while.
Last night I ran for the first time in months. I thought it would make me feel better. Instead, I got angry. I couldn't run for very long, since I haven't run since October. Then I started thinking about the weight I gained and how it was essentially for nothing. I tried lifting some weights to take my anger down, but it didn't help. This anger is like nothing I've ever experienced. I'm allowing myself to feel it though. And reacting how I'm reacting. Because I want to get back to normal. If I suppress it, it will just take longer.
I'm not really motivated for the exercise, but I just keep telling myself that I need to get my body ready for the next baby. I need to lose as much weight as I can between now and then, as it will be beneficial.
So, I'm basically just trying to focus on 3 things: school, exercise and job searching. So far, it's not really helping. I keep thinking of my baby. I keep thinking about the fact that I'm not pregnant anymore. I keep thinking about the unfairness of this situation. I keep thinking of what happened.
This loss is intense for me. I know it's only been a week, but I hope it starts to get at least a little better soon...
I got so many hugs, you guys. And a lot of people telling me how sorry they were and to let them know if there was anything they could do. It was nice. A lot of people were surprised that I came back so soon. But, I don't really have the luxury of taking the actual time I need. Graduation is 80ish days away...I don't have the time to waste. So, I've pretty much decided to make myself a robot. Trying to do what I need to do, feeling as little as possible. Getting everything done so we can leave this terrible state.
To say I've been an emotional rollercoaster lately is an understatement. One minute I'm sad, the next I'm irrationally angry. I've cried more in the past week than I have in my entire life. Today I asked Sean if I would ever be pleasant again.
My anger has been the very prominent emotion lately. I already know July is going to be a rough month for me. Today Kim Kardashain announced what she's having and I got so angry. I was supposed to find out on Monday what we were supposed to have. Which means she is due around the same time I'm due. And I get irrationally angry with this. Like, why does she deserve to have a baby and I don't get mine? I know these thoughts are completely ridiculous and irrational. But seriously. I just have a feeling this anger thing is going to be sticking around for a while.
Last night I ran for the first time in months. I thought it would make me feel better. Instead, I got angry. I couldn't run for very long, since I haven't run since October. Then I started thinking about the weight I gained and how it was essentially for nothing. I tried lifting some weights to take my anger down, but it didn't help. This anger is like nothing I've ever experienced. I'm allowing myself to feel it though. And reacting how I'm reacting. Because I want to get back to normal. If I suppress it, it will just take longer.
I'm not really motivated for the exercise, but I just keep telling myself that I need to get my body ready for the next baby. I need to lose as much weight as I can between now and then, as it will be beneficial.
So, I'm basically just trying to focus on 3 things: school, exercise and job searching. So far, it's not really helping. I keep thinking of my baby. I keep thinking about the fact that I'm not pregnant anymore. I keep thinking about the unfairness of this situation. I keep thinking of what happened.
This loss is intense for me. I know it's only been a week, but I hope it starts to get at least a little better soon...
Friday, February 22, 2013
Bootsie in the Sky
I started counseling yesterday. I was talking to her about my difficulty on how to figure out how to grieve.
She suggested a ritual, or some way to memorialize our baby. One of her ideas was planting a tree.
I didn't want to plant a tree because the tree would stay in NJ. If we owned a home, I would definitely had done this in our own yard. So, my mind began churning of ideas when the perfect one came to mind. When I mentioned it to Sean, he loved the idea too.
We named a star in the Cancer constellation Bootsie. We chose the Cancer constellation, as our baby would have been a Cancer.
I remember when I was a kid, my mom used to tell me that I was just a star in the sky before I was born. I thought back to that. This is the most appropriate memorial we could have possibly done.
I think this will help Sean and I eventually to come at peace with our loss. And although we will never have a grave to visit or memories to think back on, we can always look up to the sky and talk to our baby.
Now our Bootsie star will forever be in the sky. And Bootsie can help pick out the next star(s) that will become our earth baby. And when our earth baby (babies) gets older, we can look up at the sky with them and explain that they have a sibling who is always watching over them. And we can explain how much we love our angel babies just as much as we love them.
She suggested a ritual, or some way to memorialize our baby. One of her ideas was planting a tree.
I didn't want to plant a tree because the tree would stay in NJ. If we owned a home, I would definitely had done this in our own yard. So, my mind began churning of ideas when the perfect one came to mind. When I mentioned it to Sean, he loved the idea too.
(click to expand!)
We named a star in the Cancer constellation Bootsie. We chose the Cancer constellation, as our baby would have been a Cancer.
I remember when I was a kid, my mom used to tell me that I was just a star in the sky before I was born. I thought back to that. This is the most appropriate memorial we could have possibly done.
I think this will help Sean and I eventually to come at peace with our loss. And although we will never have a grave to visit or memories to think back on, we can always look up to the sky and talk to our baby.
Now our Bootsie star will forever be in the sky. And Bootsie can help pick out the next star(s) that will become our earth baby. And when our earth baby (babies) gets older, we can look up at the sky with them and explain that they have a sibling who is always watching over them. And we can explain how much we love our angel babies just as much as we love them.
On what NOT to say...
I've had a lot of people approach me, either via facebook, text or in person. And I know most people are hesitant. Wanting to say the right thing. But as I've said before, there isn't a right thing to say, as this situation just sucks. But, there are wrong things to say.
The following are three things that have been said to me.
1. "Oh, you can just try again. You're young!"
Ok. Let's examine this one. Yes. I can try again. And we will try again. But you're saying this to me not even a week after my procedure? I'm fairly confident that the person that said this to me has never experienced a miscarriage. Especially not a second trimester miscarriage.
I've lost my CHILD. Now, I am in no way comparing this to someone who has lost their child who has been living on this Earth. (I can't even imagine this pain). But. I lost my baby. My baby who I loved very much. Who we were making plans for. Who had a registry made for it. Who already had a lot of people loving it. My baby is gone.
Plus, if you don't read this blog, you don't know my situation. You don't know that my hormones are all off. You don't know I had to use fertility medicine. You dont' know that it's just not as easy as sex = baby for me. So, don't assume you do know and say something stupid.
And you're telling me I can just try again? Dafuk?
2. "It just wasn't meant to be."
Ugh. This was said to me by someone who I have a lot of respect for. And I know she meant well. And she shared with me she's been through a similar situation. And as I've said before, I believe most things do happen for a reason. But ugh. Until I know the reason why this happened to me, I'm not ready for hear that.
3. "You can always adopt. There are a lot of children out there who need homes."
When I was told this, I gave a major side-eye. C'mon. This is no way, shape, or form makes me feel better. In fact, it makes me feel a million times worse. This basically tells me to give up. You will never have your own child so just adopt. As if adoption is just that easy! Just go down to your local orphanage and pick one out!
We've been trying for only a little over a year. I'm not giving up on my dream to have my own child. There are so many other options. I'd like to have at least one of my own. Maybe if we're only able to have one, we would talk about this. I've even thought about having foster children when my baby is older. But I'm not ready to seriously consider this yet. And I would guess that 95% of people want their own children and would fight tooth and nail to have their own until they thought about adoption.
I'm not knocking adoption, by any means. I think it's great. Two of my cousins were adopted. But, telling someone "they can always adopt" hurts me right now.
I'm aware of my options. I know how babies are made. I certainly don't need people telling me my options.
So, for anyone reading this, if you ever have a friend, family member, whoever that is going through this situation, just know there isn't a right thing to say. But there are wrong things to say. I can't speak for every woman who has been through or who is going through this right now. But my advice to you is simple:
1. Let the person know you're there for them when they want to talk.
2. Acknowledge that you are sorry and the situation is just shitty.
3. Do not say any of the 3 things above.
Don't be uncomfortable with our pain. We need to feel our pain, our emotions and accept the situation before we can move on.
The following are three things that have been said to me.
1. "Oh, you can just try again. You're young!"
Ok. Let's examine this one. Yes. I can try again. And we will try again. But you're saying this to me not even a week after my procedure? I'm fairly confident that the person that said this to me has never experienced a miscarriage. Especially not a second trimester miscarriage.
I've lost my CHILD. Now, I am in no way comparing this to someone who has lost their child who has been living on this Earth. (I can't even imagine this pain). But. I lost my baby. My baby who I loved very much. Who we were making plans for. Who had a registry made for it. Who already had a lot of people loving it. My baby is gone.
Plus, if you don't read this blog, you don't know my situation. You don't know that my hormones are all off. You don't know I had to use fertility medicine. You dont' know that it's just not as easy as sex = baby for me. So, don't assume you do know and say something stupid.
And you're telling me I can just try again? Dafuk?
2. "It just wasn't meant to be."
Ugh. This was said to me by someone who I have a lot of respect for. And I know she meant well. And she shared with me she's been through a similar situation. And as I've said before, I believe most things do happen for a reason. But ugh. Until I know the reason why this happened to me, I'm not ready for hear that.
3. "You can always adopt. There are a lot of children out there who need homes."
When I was told this, I gave a major side-eye. C'mon. This is no way, shape, or form makes me feel better. In fact, it makes me feel a million times worse. This basically tells me to give up. You will never have your own child so just adopt. As if adoption is just that easy! Just go down to your local orphanage and pick one out!
We've been trying for only a little over a year. I'm not giving up on my dream to have my own child. There are so many other options. I'd like to have at least one of my own. Maybe if we're only able to have one, we would talk about this. I've even thought about having foster children when my baby is older. But I'm not ready to seriously consider this yet. And I would guess that 95% of people want their own children and would fight tooth and nail to have their own until they thought about adoption.
I'm not knocking adoption, by any means. I think it's great. Two of my cousins were adopted. But, telling someone "they can always adopt" hurts me right now.
I'm aware of my options. I know how babies are made. I certainly don't need people telling me my options.
So, for anyone reading this, if you ever have a friend, family member, whoever that is going through this situation, just know there isn't a right thing to say. But there are wrong things to say. I can't speak for every woman who has been through or who is going through this right now. But my advice to you is simple:
1. Let the person know you're there for them when they want to talk.
2. Acknowledge that you are sorry and the situation is just shitty.
3. Do not say any of the 3 things above.
Don't be uncomfortable with our pain. We need to feel our pain, our emotions and accept the situation before we can move on.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Is this real life?
It's been a week since I found out my Bootsie is gone.
Tomorrow will mark my first day back to real life.
I'm honestly not ready.
I've spent the last week mainly in our apartment. The only time I've gotten out is to eat. And I've been eating a lot. Of junk. I've slept a lot. Bootsie is the last thing I think about before sleep and the first think I think of when I wake up.
I know that I won't really begin to get back to normal until I start doing my normal routine again. But I'd really like at least another week to do nothing. But unfortunately, I don't really have the time. Everyone keeps telling me to take time for myself. Take care of me. Take as much time as I want. I don't have the luxury to do that. At this point, I already feel like I've taken too much time for myself. I skipped class and my internship last week. I haven't been to internship yet this week. I'm still bursting into tears at random times.
I know I'm not ready, but like everything else right now, I'm gonna have to fake it until I make it. I'm 12 weeks away from graduation. I have to finish. This is the only reason we're still in New Jersey. Everything else about New Jersey has sucked and been awful. I will make this happen. I won't make our journey out here be for nothin'.
So tomorrow. I have internship and I have class. I hope it will be a good distraction. I also hope I don't cry. I'm not ready for the questions. My supervisor asked if she wanted me to tell people so I wouldn't, and I told her yes. But, there will be some people who still don't know. And I'll inevitably get "How's the baby" questions. And then I'll have to explain it. Ugh. I'm just not ready.
Tomorrow is the only day this week I plan to do internship. I was also going to do Thursday, but that was the only day this week I could get in for counseling and that's a priority right now. If I don't get that process started, nothing else is going to get done.
I've never felt depression like this. I know I'll get through it. But I still wish I could take another month off from life.
Tomorrow will mark my first day back to real life.
I'm honestly not ready.
I've spent the last week mainly in our apartment. The only time I've gotten out is to eat. And I've been eating a lot. Of junk. I've slept a lot. Bootsie is the last thing I think about before sleep and the first think I think of when I wake up.
I know that I won't really begin to get back to normal until I start doing my normal routine again. But I'd really like at least another week to do nothing. But unfortunately, I don't really have the time. Everyone keeps telling me to take time for myself. Take care of me. Take as much time as I want. I don't have the luxury to do that. At this point, I already feel like I've taken too much time for myself. I skipped class and my internship last week. I haven't been to internship yet this week. I'm still bursting into tears at random times.
I know I'm not ready, but like everything else right now, I'm gonna have to fake it until I make it. I'm 12 weeks away from graduation. I have to finish. This is the only reason we're still in New Jersey. Everything else about New Jersey has sucked and been awful. I will make this happen. I won't make our journey out here be for nothin'.
So tomorrow. I have internship and I have class. I hope it will be a good distraction. I also hope I don't cry. I'm not ready for the questions. My supervisor asked if she wanted me to tell people so I wouldn't, and I told her yes. But, there will be some people who still don't know. And I'll inevitably get "How's the baby" questions. And then I'll have to explain it. Ugh. I'm just not ready.
Tomorrow is the only day this week I plan to do internship. I was also going to do Thursday, but that was the only day this week I could get in for counseling and that's a priority right now. If I don't get that process started, nothing else is going to get done.
I've never felt depression like this. I know I'll get through it. But I still wish I could take another month off from life.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Jealousy
I'm aware that this post isn't going to make me very popular with my friends. But I can't sit here and pretend this isn't happening.
It's been almost a week since we found out the news. And since then, I've been feeling extreme jealousy. A good portion of my friends have children or are pregnant right now (or for the majority of them, both).
I can't help but feeling jealousy. I'm jealous that you have a baby to take care of. I'm jealous that your pregnancy is going well. I'm jealous that you aren't getting sleep. I'm jealous that you (as far as I know) got pregnant without fertility intervention. I'm jealous that you're happy. I'm jealous that you have your family. I'm jealous that you don't know these feelings that I'm experiencing.
But on the flip, I'm happy for my friends. I'm happy that you don't have to go through this. I'm happy you have your family. I'm happy that fertility wise, things are easy for you. I'm happy that you're happy.
One of my longtime friends, who I've known since I was 8, messaged me in October letting me know she was pregnant with her second child. And she wanted to tell me first before she made the big announcement, because she knew that I was struggling to get pregnant. The month before, I had had the first miscarriage. I thought that was incredibly sweet and considerate of her. Although I told her that she didn't have to do that and I was happy for her. And I really am. And at the time when she told me, I already knew I was pregnant with Bootsie. I just obviously wasn't telling anyone because it was so early. So the news at the time wasn't hard to take.
I have another friend who I met on a message board for women who were struggling to get pregnant. We've actually become pretty close, although we've never met. She got pregnant 2 weeks after me and I thought that was so cool. We both had early pregnancy losses. Both of us were struggling to get pregnant. So, when we were going to be able to share our pregnancy together, I was ecstatic. We were texting each other often and sharing our symptoms and just talking about our pregnancies. Now, she's still pregnant and I'm not. And I haven't really spoken to her since. I mean, she's reached out and all of that. And I feel like an awful person. But I just can't right now.
I've thought about taking a Facebook break. There are so many pictures of babies and posts about what the babies are doing. That hurts. Right now I'm just scrolling through them. I can't take the time to read the posts or look at the pictures. I just can't. But I don't want to take a Facebook break. Facebook is how I keep in touch with the majority of my friends right now (because I'm so damn far away) that I don't want to miss anything. If someone needs me, I want them to know I'm there. If something awesome happens, I want to celebrate with you.
Another one of my friends, who is pregnant right now, recently reached out to me. She told me she felt a little guilty because she was on the verge of giving birth and I've lost 2 babies in the last 5 months. She also has another friend who recently lost a baby around 20 weeks. She told me she wants me to have what she has. She told me she believes that I was born to be a mother and I would have my baby soon. I hope she's right.
I told her not to feel guilty. My intent of this post isn't to make anyone feel guilty about sharing their life or having their family. So hopefully no one feels like that. Please know that I am truly happy for you. But please also understand that I can't really....celebrate with you in that part of your life right now. My heart is in pieces. And until I start counseling and healing, I won't be able to celebrate with you in that part of your life. Once I'm able to heal my heart, I'll come around. And I know that when I do have my baby, you'll be there to celebrate with me.
It's been almost a week since we found out the news. And since then, I've been feeling extreme jealousy. A good portion of my friends have children or are pregnant right now (or for the majority of them, both).
I can't help but feeling jealousy. I'm jealous that you have a baby to take care of. I'm jealous that your pregnancy is going well. I'm jealous that you aren't getting sleep. I'm jealous that you (as far as I know) got pregnant without fertility intervention. I'm jealous that you're happy. I'm jealous that you have your family. I'm jealous that you don't know these feelings that I'm experiencing.
But on the flip, I'm happy for my friends. I'm happy that you don't have to go through this. I'm happy you have your family. I'm happy that fertility wise, things are easy for you. I'm happy that you're happy.
One of my longtime friends, who I've known since I was 8, messaged me in October letting me know she was pregnant with her second child. And she wanted to tell me first before she made the big announcement, because she knew that I was struggling to get pregnant. The month before, I had had the first miscarriage. I thought that was incredibly sweet and considerate of her. Although I told her that she didn't have to do that and I was happy for her. And I really am. And at the time when she told me, I already knew I was pregnant with Bootsie. I just obviously wasn't telling anyone because it was so early. So the news at the time wasn't hard to take.
I have another friend who I met on a message board for women who were struggling to get pregnant. We've actually become pretty close, although we've never met. She got pregnant 2 weeks after me and I thought that was so cool. We both had early pregnancy losses. Both of us were struggling to get pregnant. So, when we were going to be able to share our pregnancy together, I was ecstatic. We were texting each other often and sharing our symptoms and just talking about our pregnancies. Now, she's still pregnant and I'm not. And I haven't really spoken to her since. I mean, she's reached out and all of that. And I feel like an awful person. But I just can't right now.
I've thought about taking a Facebook break. There are so many pictures of babies and posts about what the babies are doing. That hurts. Right now I'm just scrolling through them. I can't take the time to read the posts or look at the pictures. I just can't. But I don't want to take a Facebook break. Facebook is how I keep in touch with the majority of my friends right now (because I'm so damn far away) that I don't want to miss anything. If someone needs me, I want them to know I'm there. If something awesome happens, I want to celebrate with you.
Another one of my friends, who is pregnant right now, recently reached out to me. She told me she felt a little guilty because she was on the verge of giving birth and I've lost 2 babies in the last 5 months. She also has another friend who recently lost a baby around 20 weeks. She told me she wants me to have what she has. She told me she believes that I was born to be a mother and I would have my baby soon. I hope she's right.
I told her not to feel guilty. My intent of this post isn't to make anyone feel guilty about sharing their life or having their family. So hopefully no one feels like that. Please know that I am truly happy for you. But please also understand that I can't really....celebrate with you in that part of your life right now. My heart is in pieces. And until I start counseling and healing, I won't be able to celebrate with you in that part of your life. Once I'm able to heal my heart, I'll come around. And I know that when I do have my baby, you'll be there to celebrate with me.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Forget-Me-Not
One of my very dear friends sent me a book and this Willow Tree Figurine:
Her name is "Forget-Me-Not"
After we found out the news, I did a lot of thing in haste. I deleted all of my belly photos off of my phone. I scratched all of my upcoming appointments off of the calendar, including the big one:
After we found out the news, I did a lot of thing in haste. I deleted all of my belly photos off of my phone. I scratched all of my upcoming appointments off of the calendar, including the big one:
But there was one thing I couldn't do. I can't bring myself to take Bootsie's pictures off of the fridge. Even now...they are still there. I don't know what I want to do with them.
You guys...I don't know how to grieve this. How do you grieve for someone you never got to meet? How could I feel so much love for this little person? How do I get over this? With anyone in your life, you have memories of them. Happy times. You having things to look back on. With this, I don't have any memories. I just have the feelings. I have the connection I felt with my baby. I have the feeling of excitement. The feeling of being protective.
I've never had to grieve in my adult life. The last time I experienced a loss, I was 14 and my grandpa had died. With my grandpa, it was more of a blessing when he passed, because his Alzheimer's had gotten so bad, he stopped talking, eating, walking. He was essentially a vegetable.
Sean and I talked a lot about this yesterday. We don't want to forget this person existed. Although we don't know who it looked more like, what kind of personality it would have had....we both had so much love for Bootsie. We were both so excited to be parents. We were already making plans for the baby. And now we have to transition back to a "just us" mentality. Although now, more than ever, our goal of being parents is stronger. I'm anxious to start trying again, and so is Sean, once I'm physically and we're both mentally ready. Bootsie deserves to be grieved. But neither of us know how to do that.
I want our future children to know about Bootsie and the first baby. That they are loved too, even though they were never here. That they had siblings watching over them. Of course, I realize that they will have to be older to understand. But I want to never forget. I never want to hide my angel babies. They deserve attention too.
How do I do this? How do I begin to grieve?
Tomorrow I plan to make an appointment to start counseling. I know this is something I can't do without help. Sean also plans to seek help about this. We're going to grieve together. Get through this together. Because that's what Sean and I do. We've had such a strong bond pretty much since we started dating. And I know Bootsie would have been an amazing person because it was pieces of us. Our love. I know we'll have our baby and it will be just as amazing as Bootsie would have been.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
The Worst 3 Days of my Life and the Feelings that are Left
I know I've been very active on this blog lately. I've been finding it very therapeutic. It's 5am on Saturday and I'm up writing because I couldn't shut my brain off. As of this moment, February 12th, 14th & 15th, I'm marking as the worst days of my life. And I wish I were being dramatic.
I want to share my experiences, particular about the procedure, in hopes that it will someday help someone. Maybe someone who reads my blog now or someone who stumbles upon it in the future will find it beneficial. Some may find it a bit graphic, so just FYI.
Up until this point, you know my experience with pre-registering for the procedure and some of the consult with the doctor. What I haven't told you is how the process all started. I'm not sure if before 12 weeks you have this first step, but once you're in the second trimester and you experience what I have, you have to have what's called laminaria sticks placed in the cervix. They slowly dilate the cervix so the procedure can be done. But before he did that, he cleaned my cervix with antiseptic. And I consider my tolerance for pain relatively high, and y'all...this hurt. Several were placed in there. Afterwards, I was so crampy. And you can't take ibuprofen before the procedure, so he prescribed some tylenol with codeine, which seemed to help a little.
Of course I slept MAYBE 3 hours that night. Not just because of the cramps, but because I was so nervous. I knew I was going to be completely put under, and I never had before. So I was incredibly nervous. The next morning we arrived at the hospital at 6:30, as we were told. We were told that the procedure would be done around 8:30 and we'd be driving home around lunch time. Well...
7:30, 8:30, 9:30 comes and we're still in the waiting room to get called back to even get to a bed, get changed and all of that. There was a couple there who we had saw in the doctor's office the day before. When I saw them, I was 90% sure they were there for the same reason, because the woman had the exact same demeanor I did. So, when we saw them that morning, I knew for sure. And she was supposed to go before me. She eventually went up to ask what the hold up was. We later started chit-chatting and she said that apparently someone showed up early and were seen. She was annoyed. I was annoyed. But what could either of us do but sit and wait? But, it was nice to talk with her. She and her husband are also from the midwest and also plan to move home in the spring. And obviously, we were going through the same thing. But...they brought their baby, who I'm guessing was around 1-1 1/2. And I was a little jealous they had a baby to go home to.
As I was waiting, I was looking at my admission paperwork and I wasn't happy. First of all, the term "fetal demise" is the medical term for when a fetus dies. Also, when the baby dies and you don't miscarry, it's called a missed abortion. I feel like the term "abortion" in terms of babies and all that is a voluntary thing. So, I didn't like that the technical term for my situation is a missed abortion. Because obviously, none of this was my choice. (I, by the way, support a woman's right to choose and am in no way knocking anyone who has chosen to have an abortion. Everyone's situation is different. Obviously in mine, we want a baby, are ready for a baby, so an abortion was never an option for me. Just wanting to put that out there.)
Now, during this whole waiting, I'm cramping. In particular, lower back cramps. So, sitting in a chair for hours is not conducive for comfort. Eventually, the woman at the admissions desk had them take me to the recovery area to at least get on the gown and lay down because I was not comfortable. We were in there for 2 more hours until we finally got called up to get ready for the procedure. I didn't get nervous until they started talking about how they were going to intubate me. And that scared the shit out of me. I mean, I knew I was going to be put out before they would do that. But still. The idea was scary. Before they took me to the OR, they gave me some medicine to help me relax, which kicked in immediately. The last thing I remember is the OR being cold, them putting more blankets on me and then they put the mask on my face and told me to breathe deep. It felt like a long nap and I was waking up in the recovery room.
Now, this is where it gets graphic. I start coughing because my throat is so dry from the intubation. And they had oxygen on me. And as soon as I start coughing, the blood was...I don't want to say gushing, but there was quite a bit. I think, at first, the nurses were concerned about the amount of blood that was coming out. But I expected this because I mean...I did just have a fetus removed from my uterus. After about 10 minutes, the amount of blood reduced. And now, it's very minimal, which I'm pretty happy about.
After I became more with it, I was moved to another recovery room where Sean was waiting for me. It was nice to see him. I can't even begin to explain my love for this man. But he's my rock. When I was in the hospital in 2011 overnight for a random stomach thing, he sat with me the whole time. And yesterday, he sat and waited patiently. And he didn't want to eat until I could. Although, once I got to the second recovery room, they gave me crackers and I tore those up like I hadn't seen food in days. They gave me apple juice, cranberry juice and ginger ale to drink. I don't like cranberry juice or ginger ale and I drank them anyway because I was so thirsty. I wasn't allowed to drink or anything after midnight and by the time I got to this room, it was around 2.
Side bar #2: Ever have a catheter? I didn't either until yesterday. It wasn't in when I woke up but apparently I had one in during surgery. The first pee you take after having that removed is painful. So, there's that.
We finally got to leave around 3. I felt pretty decent. I didn't feel too groggy, I could walk and I really wasn't cramping. Although, I was crampy immediately after the procedure and they gave me something through the IV for that. My only complaint is that I didn't really see the doctor much before the procedure. He came over, apologized for the delay and told me we would start soon. And really, I wasn't going to be snappy at the man who was about to be all up in my business. Plus at that point, I was just relieved to finally get this started. I can't explain to you how the waiting felt like torture. I mean, this whole experience has been incredibly traumatic. But waiting for hours just adds to that. And I didn't see him after the surgery. And he didn't talk to Sean in person about the surgery. He called him. Which...is sorta weird to me. But whatever. The doctor said all went well and that's what matters.
Of course as soon as we get in the car, I fell asleep. lol. The nurse did say I would be groggy for 24 hours or so. I also took a nap when I got home. Which is probably part of the reason I'm up at 5am but you know I'm gonna go back to sleep soon.
So, that was my experience. It's over. My little Bootsie is officially gone. Now that's left is the questions. Why did this happen? Was something wrong with the baby? Or is something going on with me that I need to explore? Was it a combination of the two? I'm grateful to live in the day in age where these questions can most likely be answered. I keep going back and forth between hoping it was just something with the baby and not me. And at times I kind of hope it was something with me that can be fixed. Did I eat something bad? Did I have some infection that didn't affect me but the baby? The results for the baby should be in sometime next month. And then in late March, early April we can start to test me for certain things, just to be sure. But I also know that I could be perfectly fine and so could the baby and it could have just been an unfortunate situation that happened. But at least I'll know either way.
Several of my friends have told me how strong and determined I am. And typically when I set a goal, I'll achieve it. Having the title of mommy is my next big goal (after graduation, of course). And as much pain as I am in now and how scared I am to even try again, I know these will pass. I'm more determined now than ever to have our baby. I know I meant to have babies and be a mom. I want this too much to think otherwise. I can't wait for this day. For the baby to have Sean's sense of humor, strong work ethic and good looks ;) To have my compassion for others, strong will and determination. Our baby will bring so much joy to not just Sean and me, but to our whole family. Our friends.
I'm still trying to find the reason for this pain. This situation. I know there has to be some reason. It may take years before I know. I now have 2 angel babies and no earth baby. Maybe my first baby was like its momma and didn't like to be alone so Bootsie had to go keep it company. I just hope that the next time I'm in the hospital, I'm giving birth to my healthy earth baby. And that my first baby and Bootsie will watch over it. Watch over each other, little ones. And know that although we never got to hold you, mommy & daddy still love you very much. Always will.
I want to share my experiences, particular about the procedure, in hopes that it will someday help someone. Maybe someone who reads my blog now or someone who stumbles upon it in the future will find it beneficial. Some may find it a bit graphic, so just FYI.
Up until this point, you know my experience with pre-registering for the procedure and some of the consult with the doctor. What I haven't told you is how the process all started. I'm not sure if before 12 weeks you have this first step, but once you're in the second trimester and you experience what I have, you have to have what's called laminaria sticks placed in the cervix. They slowly dilate the cervix so the procedure can be done. But before he did that, he cleaned my cervix with antiseptic. And I consider my tolerance for pain relatively high, and y'all...this hurt. Several were placed in there. Afterwards, I was so crampy. And you can't take ibuprofen before the procedure, so he prescribed some tylenol with codeine, which seemed to help a little.
Of course I slept MAYBE 3 hours that night. Not just because of the cramps, but because I was so nervous. I knew I was going to be completely put under, and I never had before. So I was incredibly nervous. The next morning we arrived at the hospital at 6:30, as we were told. We were told that the procedure would be done around 8:30 and we'd be driving home around lunch time. Well...
7:30, 8:30, 9:30 comes and we're still in the waiting room to get called back to even get to a bed, get changed and all of that. There was a couple there who we had saw in the doctor's office the day before. When I saw them, I was 90% sure they were there for the same reason, because the woman had the exact same demeanor I did. So, when we saw them that morning, I knew for sure. And she was supposed to go before me. She eventually went up to ask what the hold up was. We later started chit-chatting and she said that apparently someone showed up early and were seen. She was annoyed. I was annoyed. But what could either of us do but sit and wait? But, it was nice to talk with her. She and her husband are also from the midwest and also plan to move home in the spring. And obviously, we were going through the same thing. But...they brought their baby, who I'm guessing was around 1-1 1/2. And I was a little jealous they had a baby to go home to.
As I was waiting, I was looking at my admission paperwork and I wasn't happy. First of all, the term "fetal demise" is the medical term for when a fetus dies. Also, when the baby dies and you don't miscarry, it's called a missed abortion. I feel like the term "abortion" in terms of babies and all that is a voluntary thing. So, I didn't like that the technical term for my situation is a missed abortion. Because obviously, none of this was my choice. (I, by the way, support a woman's right to choose and am in no way knocking anyone who has chosen to have an abortion. Everyone's situation is different. Obviously in mine, we want a baby, are ready for a baby, so an abortion was never an option for me. Just wanting to put that out there.)
Now, during this whole waiting, I'm cramping. In particular, lower back cramps. So, sitting in a chair for hours is not conducive for comfort. Eventually, the woman at the admissions desk had them take me to the recovery area to at least get on the gown and lay down because I was not comfortable. We were in there for 2 more hours until we finally got called up to get ready for the procedure. I didn't get nervous until they started talking about how they were going to intubate me. And that scared the shit out of me. I mean, I knew I was going to be put out before they would do that. But still. The idea was scary. Before they took me to the OR, they gave me some medicine to help me relax, which kicked in immediately. The last thing I remember is the OR being cold, them putting more blankets on me and then they put the mask on my face and told me to breathe deep. It felt like a long nap and I was waking up in the recovery room.
Now, this is where it gets graphic. I start coughing because my throat is so dry from the intubation. And they had oxygen on me. And as soon as I start coughing, the blood was...I don't want to say gushing, but there was quite a bit. I think, at first, the nurses were concerned about the amount of blood that was coming out. But I expected this because I mean...I did just have a fetus removed from my uterus. After about 10 minutes, the amount of blood reduced. And now, it's very minimal, which I'm pretty happy about.
After I became more with it, I was moved to another recovery room where Sean was waiting for me. It was nice to see him. I can't even begin to explain my love for this man. But he's my rock. When I was in the hospital in 2011 overnight for a random stomach thing, he sat with me the whole time. And yesterday, he sat and waited patiently. And he didn't want to eat until I could. Although, once I got to the second recovery room, they gave me crackers and I tore those up like I hadn't seen food in days. They gave me apple juice, cranberry juice and ginger ale to drink. I don't like cranberry juice or ginger ale and I drank them anyway because I was so thirsty. I wasn't allowed to drink or anything after midnight and by the time I got to this room, it was around 2.
Side bar #2: Ever have a catheter? I didn't either until yesterday. It wasn't in when I woke up but apparently I had one in during surgery. The first pee you take after having that removed is painful. So, there's that.
We finally got to leave around 3. I felt pretty decent. I didn't feel too groggy, I could walk and I really wasn't cramping. Although, I was crampy immediately after the procedure and they gave me something through the IV for that. My only complaint is that I didn't really see the doctor much before the procedure. He came over, apologized for the delay and told me we would start soon. And really, I wasn't going to be snappy at the man who was about to be all up in my business. Plus at that point, I was just relieved to finally get this started. I can't explain to you how the waiting felt like torture. I mean, this whole experience has been incredibly traumatic. But waiting for hours just adds to that. And I didn't see him after the surgery. And he didn't talk to Sean in person about the surgery. He called him. Which...is sorta weird to me. But whatever. The doctor said all went well and that's what matters.
Of course as soon as we get in the car, I fell asleep. lol. The nurse did say I would be groggy for 24 hours or so. I also took a nap when I got home. Which is probably part of the reason I'm up at 5am but you know I'm gonna go back to sleep soon.
So, that was my experience. It's over. My little Bootsie is officially gone. Now that's left is the questions. Why did this happen? Was something wrong with the baby? Or is something going on with me that I need to explore? Was it a combination of the two? I'm grateful to live in the day in age where these questions can most likely be answered. I keep going back and forth between hoping it was just something with the baby and not me. And at times I kind of hope it was something with me that can be fixed. Did I eat something bad? Did I have some infection that didn't affect me but the baby? The results for the baby should be in sometime next month. And then in late March, early April we can start to test me for certain things, just to be sure. But I also know that I could be perfectly fine and so could the baby and it could have just been an unfortunate situation that happened. But at least I'll know either way.
Several of my friends have told me how strong and determined I am. And typically when I set a goal, I'll achieve it. Having the title of mommy is my next big goal (after graduation, of course). And as much pain as I am in now and how scared I am to even try again, I know these will pass. I'm more determined now than ever to have our baby. I know I meant to have babies and be a mom. I want this too much to think otherwise. I can't wait for this day. For the baby to have Sean's sense of humor, strong work ethic and good looks ;) To have my compassion for others, strong will and determination. Our baby will bring so much joy to not just Sean and me, but to our whole family. Our friends.
I'm still trying to find the reason for this pain. This situation. I know there has to be some reason. It may take years before I know. I now have 2 angel babies and no earth baby. Maybe my first baby was like its momma and didn't like to be alone so Bootsie had to go keep it company. I just hope that the next time I'm in the hospital, I'm giving birth to my healthy earth baby. And that my first baby and Bootsie will watch over it. Watch over each other, little ones. And know that although we never got to hold you, mommy & daddy still love you very much. Always will.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
On the second stage of grief: Anger
Anger.
Holy hell was I angry today.
I knew today was going to be bad. How could it not be? I had to meet with the doctor today to consult about the procedure.
I woke up realizing that I didn't have crazy dreams. As I had been for the last 4 months. It made this whole thing a little more real. I liked the dreams. It meant things were well, right? (Apparently not, but I digress). I'm usually a stomach sleeper and I still haven't felt comforable sleeping on my stomach yet. My baby is still there.
Anyway...
The first part of the day was fine. Sean and I grabbed lunch before heading to Philadelphia. But once we got in Philly, the anger started. We couldn't find the hospital parking lot, so we parked in another garage which was a little further away. Then, I had to go to the hospital for pre-surgery lab work and tests. We waited around a lot. While filling out the paperwork, I had to answer the question...
"Are you pregnant?"
I burst into tears. Then I started yelling at the paper. Because, that's reasonable, right? Anyway, I left that question blank. Once we finally got done with all of that, we had to walk to the doctor's office a few blocks away. And we sorta got lost. And my anger intensified. Poor Sean unfairly bared a good majority of my anger. Like it was his fault my phone was giving me stupid walking directions. I apologized, he understood.
We were in the waiting room for an hour and a half. Of course, the anger just kept rising. And with every pregnant woman I saw, my anger kept building and building. Who are they to just walk in front of me all pregnant? How dare they! I saw one pregnant woman frowning and I wanted to slap her face. Be happy...at least your baby is alive. Of course, I know these thoughts were completely irrational and unfair. But it was how I was feeling. And I'm allowed to feel what I feel.
Once we finally got called back, I was a complete bitch to the medical assistant. We had to wait another 30 minutes for the doctor, who immediately apologized for being behind. He also expressed how sorry he was that I had to go through this. My anger dropped a little.
He began explaining the procedure, how I would feel, etc. He said physically, I would be fine in a day. THEN. He said "But here..." and points to his heart "...that's what you have to work on." And I completely lost my shit. He highly encouraged me to see a grief counselor. Which, I had already planned to do. Because the early miscarriage I could handle. But this one is very different. I saw my baby wave. I'll never get to hold this baby. That's a level of grief I can't even begin to express. And even if I could find the words, only someone who has been through this can really understand that level of grief.
Our little Bootsie is going to be buried. The hospital has this as a program, at no cost to us. I'm hoping this will help with my grief. It makes me feel better knowing this. Bootsie will be at peace and I know that some day, I will be too.
My anger is going to keep popping up for a while. And I just need to accept this.Anger is not an emotion that I tend to feel. I mean, sure. I get annoyed. Irritated. Never angry, though. I don't like that I feel this, but I'm allowing myself to feel it. I'm not going to fake my way through this.
I'm angry that I feel inadequate as a woman. I mean, you're supposed to be able to bare children, right? You're just supposed to have sex, get pregnant, have the baby. Not have super long cycles, not ovulate, use medicine to get pregnant. Have 2 miscarriages in 5 months. It's basically a kick in my proverbial nuts.
I'm angry that there are still so many unanswered questions. The biggest, of course, being why? On the flip, I'm grateful that this won't always be the case. The results for the baby will be back in a month. Then in 2 months, the testing on me will start.
I'm angry that my mom is angry. I vented to her today and she said that she was feeling anger too. That just sucks.
By the time I write again, the procedure will be over. My baby will be gone. And then healing can begin.
Holy hell was I angry today.
I knew today was going to be bad. How could it not be? I had to meet with the doctor today to consult about the procedure.
I woke up realizing that I didn't have crazy dreams. As I had been for the last 4 months. It made this whole thing a little more real. I liked the dreams. It meant things were well, right? (Apparently not, but I digress). I'm usually a stomach sleeper and I still haven't felt comforable sleeping on my stomach yet. My baby is still there.
Anyway...
The first part of the day was fine. Sean and I grabbed lunch before heading to Philadelphia. But once we got in Philly, the anger started. We couldn't find the hospital parking lot, so we parked in another garage which was a little further away. Then, I had to go to the hospital for pre-surgery lab work and tests. We waited around a lot. While filling out the paperwork, I had to answer the question...
"Are you pregnant?"
I burst into tears. Then I started yelling at the paper. Because, that's reasonable, right? Anyway, I left that question blank. Once we finally got done with all of that, we had to walk to the doctor's office a few blocks away. And we sorta got lost. And my anger intensified. Poor Sean unfairly bared a good majority of my anger. Like it was his fault my phone was giving me stupid walking directions. I apologized, he understood.
We were in the waiting room for an hour and a half. Of course, the anger just kept rising. And with every pregnant woman I saw, my anger kept building and building. Who are they to just walk in front of me all pregnant? How dare they! I saw one pregnant woman frowning and I wanted to slap her face. Be happy...at least your baby is alive. Of course, I know these thoughts were completely irrational and unfair. But it was how I was feeling. And I'm allowed to feel what I feel.
Once we finally got called back, I was a complete bitch to the medical assistant. We had to wait another 30 minutes for the doctor, who immediately apologized for being behind. He also expressed how sorry he was that I had to go through this. My anger dropped a little.
He began explaining the procedure, how I would feel, etc. He said physically, I would be fine in a day. THEN. He said "But here..." and points to his heart "...that's what you have to work on." And I completely lost my shit. He highly encouraged me to see a grief counselor. Which, I had already planned to do. Because the early miscarriage I could handle. But this one is very different. I saw my baby wave. I'll never get to hold this baby. That's a level of grief I can't even begin to express. And even if I could find the words, only someone who has been through this can really understand that level of grief.
Our little Bootsie is going to be buried. The hospital has this as a program, at no cost to us. I'm hoping this will help with my grief. It makes me feel better knowing this. Bootsie will be at peace and I know that some day, I will be too.
My anger is going to keep popping up for a while. And I just need to accept this.Anger is not an emotion that I tend to feel. I mean, sure. I get annoyed. Irritated. Never angry, though. I don't like that I feel this, but I'm allowing myself to feel it. I'm not going to fake my way through this.
I'm angry that I feel inadequate as a woman. I mean, you're supposed to be able to bare children, right? You're just supposed to have sex, get pregnant, have the baby. Not have super long cycles, not ovulate, use medicine to get pregnant. Have 2 miscarriages in 5 months. It's basically a kick in my proverbial nuts.
I'm angry that there are still so many unanswered questions. The biggest, of course, being why? On the flip, I'm grateful that this won't always be the case. The results for the baby will be back in a month. Then in 2 months, the testing on me will start.
I'm angry that my mom is angry. I vented to her today and she said that she was feeling anger too. That just sucks.
By the time I write again, the procedure will be over. My baby will be gone. And then healing can begin.
Seeing the light through the darkness
I received a tremendous amount of support, kind words, outreach and prayers yesterday. It seems that in times of darkness, you really find out who cares about you. I received messages & texts all day. I know that a lot of people were hesitant about reaching out to me. I mean, what can anyone say during a situation like this? Hell, I don't even know what to say. But, just taking the time out to tell me your sorry is more than enough. It really means so much to me that people did this.
I'm incredibly blessed that I have so many great friends in my life. Even the people I haven't known that long -- particularly, my NJ peeps -- made me feel so loved. I wish that we could have more time together. I've enjoyed the time I've spent with the friends I've made here. I hope that we are able to keep in touch after graduation and after we make our move back home. But, that is what facebook is for. :-) I had classmates reach out to me to ask me if I needed anything. Not just in terms of school work, but anything. You guys have no idea how much reaching out to me right now has meant. We have no family here, so knowing that people actually do care about me here has been tremendous.
I have a group of friends -- some of who I have never met -- that care so much about me. I've been apart of a group of people for many years now. They've seen me through a lot. I've known them for 10 years. They saw me through my successes and some of my prior dark times. I know I'll have you all in my life forever, and hope to some day finally meet all of you.
Of course, my friends from back home have reached out. And it just solidifies the fact that I need to be near you. I miss you all. More than I realized. It really makes me realize that my plan to reconnect with so many of you is important. And it's going to happen. I have a lot of good people in my life and because of your lives, my life...some of us have grown apart. Sure, we keep in touch on facebook. Or have an occasional text conversation. But, it's not the same. We're going to fix that.
Of course, not all of my friends are neglected. My closest friends (and you know who you are)...you know I love you guys. You're like family to me. I know you're here for me in the dark times. And I know that you'll celebrate with us when we do have our baby. I think back to how we all came to be friends and at the time, did not realize how much impact you would have on my life. But now, I can't imagine my life without you all.
Of course, I have dates coming up that will be hard. February 25th was going to be the day we were going to find out the gender. My baby shower was going to be in early June. My due date will be especially hard. But, I feel better knowing that I have not only the support of Sean, but all of my friends, to get through these dates.
"People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
I'm incredibly blessed that I have so many great friends in my life. Even the people I haven't known that long -- particularly, my NJ peeps -- made me feel so loved. I wish that we could have more time together. I've enjoyed the time I've spent with the friends I've made here. I hope that we are able to keep in touch after graduation and after we make our move back home. But, that is what facebook is for. :-) I had classmates reach out to me to ask me if I needed anything. Not just in terms of school work, but anything. You guys have no idea how much reaching out to me right now has meant. We have no family here, so knowing that people actually do care about me here has been tremendous.
I have a group of friends -- some of who I have never met -- that care so much about me. I've been apart of a group of people for many years now. They've seen me through a lot. I've known them for 10 years. They saw me through my successes and some of my prior dark times. I know I'll have you all in my life forever, and hope to some day finally meet all of you.
Of course, my friends from back home have reached out. And it just solidifies the fact that I need to be near you. I miss you all. More than I realized. It really makes me realize that my plan to reconnect with so many of you is important. And it's going to happen. I have a lot of good people in my life and because of your lives, my life...some of us have grown apart. Sure, we keep in touch on facebook. Or have an occasional text conversation. But, it's not the same. We're going to fix that.
Of course, not all of my friends are neglected. My closest friends (and you know who you are)...you know I love you guys. You're like family to me. I know you're here for me in the dark times. And I know that you'll celebrate with us when we do have our baby. I think back to how we all came to be friends and at the time, did not realize how much impact you would have on my life. But now, I can't imagine my life without you all.
Of course, I have dates coming up that will be hard. February 25th was going to be the day we were going to find out the gender. My baby shower was going to be in early June. My due date will be especially hard. But, I feel better knowing that I have not only the support of Sean, but all of my friends, to get through these dates.
"People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
What's left?
After receiving the devastating news yesterday, the only thing that's left are the emotions.
I woke up crying this morning. I was thinking back to our 12 week ultrasound when we saw Bootsie waving. Moving around. Being an active little baby.
And now I'm trying to process the fact that my once active baby is gone. I've had a dead baby inside of me for 3 weeks and I had no idea. Since I know now, it's been even more tough to think about the fact that I have to have it in me for 2 more days.
We have so many unanswered questions. It'll be at least 2 months before we know anything and that's tough. But at least we'll have some answers before we move home and get back on the makin' a baby train. The toughest part of the results will be when they tell us whether we were going to have a boy or girl. I want to know this. But I also know that it's going to be the toughest result to know, regardless of what the other results are.
Of course the ultimate emotion is hearbreak. I'm not going to be able to have late night/early morning feedings with Bootsie. I won't be able to kiss his/her boo-boos. I won't be able to see Bootsie off to their first day of school.The plans that Sean and I were making for this baby will never be realized. The baby registry we started won't get used. The shower we were planning isn't happening. And the love and joy that Bootsie would have brought to our lives will never be. It already had brought us so much joy and excitement. All of this and much more is why my heart is completely shattered. And I know Sean's heart is shattered too.
I'm hearbroken for me. For Sean. We were so excited to be parents. I was so excited to make Sean a daddy. He's going to be an amazing father. I just really thought that Bootsie was it. I'm heartbroken for my mom. I put off calling her for hours yesterday because I knew the news would break her heart too. She wants to be a grandmother so bad, and was so excited for Bootsie. She was even planning to start buying baby stuff soon to keep at her house. Now, she has to wait even longer for her dream of becoming a grandmother to come true.
I'm also angry that this happened to me. Again. I mean...2 miscarriages in 5 months? Why? I consider myself a pretty strong and emotionally sound person. But I am not handling this well. I've cried 3 times already today and it's only 12:30.
I'm angry that I have to spend Valentine's Day in Philadelphia getting pre-surgery lab work. I'm angry we have to spend Valentine's Day consulting with a doctor to talk about the procedure. I'm angry that we have to start the process all over again. I'm angry that I'm heartbroken. And I'm angry that I'm angry.
After we met with the doctor yesterday, they gave us a book called "Empty Arms." Which also made me angry. I mean...I get it. But I am no where near ready to read that book. Or even look at it.
I had so much love for this baby. I wanted this baby more than anything.
I have no idea how I will feel emotionally after the procedure. I'm hoping I can get back to life next week. Or at least fake my way through it. But whatever happens, I know I have the very best husband. The very best partner, to get through it with. The years that we've been married have not been easy on us. Life has decided to throw us a ton of curve balls. But, it's only made our bond that much stronger. At this point, we can and will get through anything. I just hope that soon, life decides to give us some good stuff too.
I woke up crying this morning. I was thinking back to our 12 week ultrasound when we saw Bootsie waving. Moving around. Being an active little baby.
And now I'm trying to process the fact that my once active baby is gone. I've had a dead baby inside of me for 3 weeks and I had no idea. Since I know now, it's been even more tough to think about the fact that I have to have it in me for 2 more days.
We have so many unanswered questions. It'll be at least 2 months before we know anything and that's tough. But at least we'll have some answers before we move home and get back on the makin' a baby train. The toughest part of the results will be when they tell us whether we were going to have a boy or girl. I want to know this. But I also know that it's going to be the toughest result to know, regardless of what the other results are.
Of course the ultimate emotion is hearbreak. I'm not going to be able to have late night/early morning feedings with Bootsie. I won't be able to kiss his/her boo-boos. I won't be able to see Bootsie off to their first day of school.The plans that Sean and I were making for this baby will never be realized. The baby registry we started won't get used. The shower we were planning isn't happening. And the love and joy that Bootsie would have brought to our lives will never be. It already had brought us so much joy and excitement. All of this and much more is why my heart is completely shattered. And I know Sean's heart is shattered too.
I'm hearbroken for me. For Sean. We were so excited to be parents. I was so excited to make Sean a daddy. He's going to be an amazing father. I just really thought that Bootsie was it. I'm heartbroken for my mom. I put off calling her for hours yesterday because I knew the news would break her heart too. She wants to be a grandmother so bad, and was so excited for Bootsie. She was even planning to start buying baby stuff soon to keep at her house. Now, she has to wait even longer for her dream of becoming a grandmother to come true.
I'm also angry that this happened to me. Again. I mean...2 miscarriages in 5 months? Why? I consider myself a pretty strong and emotionally sound person. But I am not handling this well. I've cried 3 times already today and it's only 12:30.
I'm angry that I have to spend Valentine's Day in Philadelphia getting pre-surgery lab work. I'm angry we have to spend Valentine's Day consulting with a doctor to talk about the procedure. I'm angry that we have to start the process all over again. I'm angry that I'm heartbroken. And I'm angry that I'm angry.
After we met with the doctor yesterday, they gave us a book called "Empty Arms." Which also made me angry. I mean...I get it. But I am no where near ready to read that book. Or even look at it.
I had so much love for this baby. I wanted this baby more than anything.
I have no idea how I will feel emotionally after the procedure. I'm hoping I can get back to life next week. Or at least fake my way through it. But whatever happens, I know I have the very best husband. The very best partner, to get through it with. The years that we've been married have not been easy on us. Life has decided to throw us a ton of curve balls. But, it's only made our bond that much stronger. At this point, we can and will get through anything. I just hope that soon, life decides to give us some good stuff too.
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