Anger, part deux

Oh, Hi Anger. So nice of you to come back.

I went to the doctor today for a one month post-procedure appointment. I had been doing pretty well until yesterday, so I thought going to the doctor would be no big thing.

Wrong.

As soon as we walked in and sat down, I started to tear up. The last time I was at that office was the day we found out she was gone. Luckily, Sean came with me today, so I wasn't just sobbing alone. Of course, there was a baby there. And of course, a pregnant lady came in after me and sat DIRECTLY across from me. I couldn't look at her. I looked at the floor, ceiling...anything but her. When I finally got called back, it got worse. The crying just started and it took a while to stop.

The doctor came in and explained to us again that this is usually just a random thing that happens. Of course, I still think it was me. Bad eggs? Bad genes? Of course! All me. Deep down the logical part of me is still there and I know that this isn't the case. But I'm not really that logical right now.

I'm happy to have a sort-of answer. I mean, there are women who carry babies who have Down's Syndrome to term all the time. So, while Trisomy 21 is probably the cause of the loss, there's still a lot of questions. Because of this, in a month, I'm going to be tested to rule out clotting problems. Sean and I are also going to be tested genetically to make sure we aren't carriers of anything that could cause Down's Syndrome or any other chromosomal abnormality. Sean was tested today. I'll be tested in a month for these, plus the clotting issue.

So, we still wait.

But because of all of this information, my anger is definitely starting to come back up today. While I was waiting for Sean to get his blood drawn today, I really started to stew.

Not only do we need medicine to get pregnant..
Not only do I have to get vaginal ultrasound and tons of blood work to get pregnant...
Not only have we had 2 miscarriages..
Now, we are doing genetic testing.

Something that should be a joyous event is turning into a frustrating process. At this point, when I do get pregnant, I'm not going to be a smiley, glowy pregnant woman. I'm going to be terrified the whole time. I'm going to be on edge. I probably won't tell anyone outside of immediately family and very close friends until I'm at least 20 weeks or more. And buying things for the baby will probably wait too.

Despite all of this, though, I'm not giving up. This isn't the first struggle of my life. When I want something, I don't give up until I get it. The best things in life are worth waiting for. Worth fighting for. We will have our baby.