Today we were supposed to be finding out the sex of our baby. Instead, we're left with all of the unknown. The questions. The whys. Last night, while trying to fall asleep, I burst into tears. I couldn't sleep. Because of my lack of sleep, I stayed home today. Plus, I knew today wouldn't be a good day. I miss my baby so much. I miss the connection. I feel so...empty.
This situation has made my insecurity bullshit pop up. I feel broken. A lot of days I feel hopeless. I feel like it'll never happen. (Although, I have no intent of giving up). I feel like I let everyone down. I let Sean down. I don't feel very attractive to him right now. I hurt his feelings yesterday when I asked him if he was still attracted to me. Which, of course, wasn't my intent. But it's my old Sarah bullshit coming to play.
In spite of all of the darkness that surrounds me right now, I have one constant light: Sean. I don't know how I ended up with someone as wonderful as him. I honestly didn't think anyone like him existed. I didn't think I deserved someone like him. His unconditional love. His support. He makes me feel beautiful when I think I look like hell. He lets me know everyday how much he loves me.
I've not been the easiest person to live with as of recently. It takes something incredibly small to get me angry. I start crying for no reason. I've been putting myself down. I'm trying really hard to get out of this funk, but I know it's going to take me a while. I mean, this whole experience has been so traumatic and I have every reason to feel why I do. I'm still grieving.
But I know, in times of happiness and sadness, that Sean will always be there for me. He's been incredibly understanding and supportive. I know we're meant to have our baby. Why would we both want it so much if it weren't meant to be? I know when we do finally get our baby to take home, Sean is going to be an amazing father. A great role model. And he'll continue to be a wonderful husband.
I'm ready (and I know he's ready) to close this New Jersey chapter of our lives. It's not been easy, but we've gotten through it together. I hope we're paid up for a while on the bad shit. I hope that it'll be our turn soon to experience the joy of a child. The joy of being back home. Feeling like we belong.
I know that our lives together won't always be easy. I know other bad things will happen. But, we'll get through it together. I'm just looking forward to a little joy. We deserve it.
No comments:
Post a Comment