What's left?

After receiving the devastating news yesterday, the only thing that's left are the emotions.

I woke up crying this morning. I was thinking back to our 12 week ultrasound when we saw Bootsie waving. Moving around. Being an active little baby.

And now I'm trying to process the fact that my once active baby is gone. I've had a dead baby inside of me for 3 weeks and I had no idea. Since I know now, it's been even more tough to think about the fact that I have to have it in me for 2 more days.

We have so many unanswered questions. It'll be at least 2 months before we know anything and that's tough. But at least we'll have some answers before we move home and get back on the makin' a baby train. The toughest part of the results will be when they tell us whether we were going to have a boy or girl. I want to know this. But I also know that it's going to be the toughest result to know, regardless of what the other results are.

Of course the ultimate emotion is hearbreak. I'm not going to be able to have late night/early morning feedings with Bootsie. I won't be able to kiss his/her boo-boos. I won't be able to see Bootsie off to their first day of school.The plans that Sean and I were making for this baby will never be realized. The baby registry we started won't get used. The shower we were planning isn't happening. And the love and joy that Bootsie would have brought to our lives will never be. It already had brought us so much joy and excitement. All of this and much more is why my heart is completely shattered. And I know Sean's heart is shattered too.

I'm hearbroken for me. For Sean. We were so excited to be parents. I was so excited to make Sean a daddy. He's going to be an amazing father. I just really thought that Bootsie was it. I'm heartbroken for my mom. I put off calling her for hours yesterday because I knew the news would break her heart too. She wants to be a grandmother so bad, and was so excited for Bootsie. She was even planning to start buying baby stuff soon to keep at her house. Now, she has to wait even longer for her dream of becoming a grandmother to come true.

I'm also angry that this happened to me. Again. I mean...2 miscarriages in 5 months? Why? I consider myself a pretty strong and emotionally sound person. But I am not handling this well. I've cried 3 times already today and it's only 12:30.

I'm angry that I have to spend Valentine's Day in Philadelphia getting pre-surgery lab work. I'm angry we have to spend Valentine's Day consulting with a doctor to talk about the procedure. I'm angry that we have to start the process all over again. I'm angry that I'm heartbroken. And I'm angry that I'm angry.

After we met with the doctor yesterday, they gave us a book called "Empty Arms." Which also made me angry. I mean...I get it. But I am no where near ready to read that book. Or even look at it.

I had so much love for this baby. I wanted this baby more than anything.

I have no idea how I will feel emotionally after the procedure. I'm hoping I can get back to life next week. Or at least fake my way through it. But whatever happens, I know I have the very best husband. The very best partner, to get through it with. The years that we've been married have not been easy on us. Life has decided to throw us a ton of curve balls. But, it's only made our bond that much stronger. At this point, we can and will get through anything. I just hope that soon, life decides to give us some good stuff too.