They're Always With Me & My Quest for Answers

I wanted something to wear to always have my two angel babies with me. I bought this charm bracelet:

 

 

The card I got with it explains what the bracelet means:

 

"Life" - with a crystal in the color of the month that you baby was conceived, and a new life entered yours.

 

"Butterfly" - with a crystal in the color of the month your baby passed away, and was free to fly like a beautiful, carefree butterfly.

 

"Wish" - with a crystal in the color of the month that you baby was originally due, when you hoped and wished your baby would be in your arms.

 

This bracelet not only memorizes Bootsie, but our first baby that was gone too soon. 

 

This week hasn't been easy. I'm still getting people asking how my baby is, and so I've been explaining that more than I'd like. I think at this point, though, most people who knew I was pregnant also know I am no longer pregnant. So, I think those questions will stop. I'm still struggling with the news of why our baby passed. I kind of feel like as a social worker, I should be able to handle this sort of news better. Like, I advocate for those that are disabled, disenfranchised, etc. So I feel sort of like a hypocrite feeling some relief that our child didn't have to live a more challenging life. I've been trying to process these feelings with my supervisor and other fellow social workers. And they've all essentially said the same thing: You're a human first. Being a social worker doesn't protect you from feeling your feelings. It hits so much harder when it's so close to home.

But, while we have the answer that more than likely Trisomy 21 is the reason we lost our little girl, I'm not totally satisfied with it. And my doctor has been very understanding and sensitive to this. I'm very appreciative of that. So, on Thursday, I'm having a 3D ultrasound (essentially) of my uterus to rule out any further abnormalities. When we first started the fertility testing, it was discovered that my uterus was Y shaped. At the time, the doctor didn't feel it was necessary to do any further testing. But, one cause of a Y shaped uterus is called a "septate." This is essentially where you have a septum that can usually be removed. Or, my uterus may just be shaped funny and that's something I have to deal with. But, I need to know for sure. Because if something can be fixed, I want it fixed.

Sean had his blood drawn Tuesday for the genetic testing. In 3 weeks, I'll be having bloodwork drawn to (hopefully) rule out a clotting problem and I will also have genetic testing done at that time, to (hopefully) rule out anything that I need to be aware of. Most of the time with Trisomy 21, it's just a random error and has nothing to do with the parent's genetics. But again, I'm wanting to get any and all tests I can get done at this point. I'll feel better knowing that when we start trying again this summer, we'll be armed with all of the information we need. I feel good about it all. I just wish I could be ignorant to what COULD go wrong with pregnancy. But, we're well past that point and I'll definitely need to continue therapy once I'm pregnant again.

I've also reached the point where I am officially uncomfortable with my weight. So, time to get serious again. Gotta get my body as ready as possible for our next little one. I'm starting to get get to the point of getting antsy to want to try again. The timing isn't good just yet -- I need to finish this master's and get the hell out of New Jersey. I graduate in 51 days and we leave NJ in 55 days. So close I can almost reach it.