This past week started off rocky. I had my daily cry, as I had been for 2 weeks. Then Wednesday and Thursday weren't bad. In fact, I was able to talk about the situation without crying. I was feeling better.
Then Friday happened. Sean and I went grocery shopping. And to me, it felt like everyone had a baby with them. I kept trying to fake my way through it...how it was no big deal. Then I blew up at Sean over cake mix.
CAKE MIX, PEOPLE.
Then I completely lost my shit.
You guys...my heart is still in a million pieces. I'm pissed off that I'm considering buying a memorial bracelet for my angel babies. I'm pissed off that I'm not shopping for nursery furniture and baby clothes. I'm pissed off that I'm in so much pain. I'm pissed off that I'm so sad all the time. I'm pissed off that I have to fake being ok.
This is exactly why I needed to take a month off from life. But I know that's not possible. I have to finish grad school. Sean and I have to get the hell out of this state. So, in order to get done what I have to get done, I'm like a robot in public. I smile, I make conversation. I act like I'm ok with this situation. But clearly, I'm not. But no one actually wants to hear about my pain, aside from my counselor, Sean and (hopefully) the support group.
I feel like this whole thing would be a million times easier if we were back home. I'd have my family. I'd have my friends. I'd have a lot of distractions. I'm trying to keep myself busy here but obviously it's not working.
I'm really trying to control my anger and jealousy, especially toward other happily pregnant women. Because I know I'll be one of them soon. So... I'm just trying to think about that when I start feeling this way.
I've been completely down on myself lately. I put myself down...pretty much as often as I can. Is this helpful? No. Because I think I deserve it, because I often think that this happened because of something I did, or didn't do. Since we're still in the waiting period, this is all I can think. So, I've been taking it out on myself. Like hardcore. I'm reverting to my 16 year old self...when I put myself down all the time. Because I had zero self esteem back then.
Sean's been my rock through this whole thing. He keeps saying how he hates seeing me like this and wishes there was something he could do for me. I wish there was something to do for me. I wish something could take this pain away. I want to feel like myself again. I want to feel happy. Basically, I just want to not feel like shit anymore. And I know at this point, only time can really do that.
I do have two books on making sense of this situation. Maybe if I try to intellectualize this, it will help. So, I may try soon. We'll see. Tomorrow is our first support group meeting, which I hope will be helpful.
So...hopefully I won't have to fake it much more. Hopefully soon I'll start to feel like myself again. Hopefully we'll have answers soon.
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