It's been 8 weeks today since we found out that our little girl was gone. At first, days felt like weeks. But now time has been flying by. I'm thankful for this for many reasons. Lately I've been feeling more optimistic that our rainbow baby will be here soon. My hysteroscopy is scheduled for next Tuesday. I'll be getting bloodwork done the same day to rule out a clotting problem and other genetic issues. Sean's bloodwork came back normal. So, by the end of the month, I'll have a clean uterus and answers. And I'm happy about that. Then, we can officially start trying again.
Now time for an overshare! (Because that's what I do!) I've been feeling more optimistic lately as well because I actually got a period. On my own. Last week! Without meds! Now, if you've been following our journey even a little, you know that this was an issue as soon as I got off the pill. I wasn't getting them because I wasn't ovulating. So, I'm hoping that my body has actually figured itself out and maybe we won't have to do meds again. Time will tell. I'm cautiously optimistic but I hope that this is a good sign and a good step in the right direction.
I've also (finally) gotten out of my poor eating, no exercise slump. I finally reached the point where I felt disgusting. So, I've been tracking and measuring all my food. I've been in the gym several times a week. I've lost a few pounds already. I have extra motivation in the graduation dress I purchased. I look good in it now...but I can look better. :)
I'm not moving on. I'll never move on from her. But I can move forward. And that's what I'm doing.
Despite this, I want to make one thing clear...I'm a mom. Every woman who has had a miscarriage or still born baby is a mom. And we've experienced a loss that is unimaginable. We lost our child. Just because we don't have memories of our children running around or because our baby never took a breath in this world doesn't mean we aren't moms. We are. And our hearts hurt and ache for our babies.
I've mentioned a friend of mine before who I haven't actually met. But we became pretty close when we were both trying to get pregnant. We have similar struggles. She became pregnant shortly after I did. When I lost Bootsie, she understood that I couldn't really be involved in her pregnancy at that time. But a few weeks ago, she texted me news that broke my heart. She went into labor and her daughter was born sleeping. She and her husband are, of course, devastated. They had a funeral for their daughter and she was worried that people would think she was trying to bring attention to herself. Or that people would think it was inappropriate.
It's ridiculous that my friend even had these thoughts come across her mind. Why should she feel like this? This is what she needed to do to start grieving. People just don't look at miscarriages and still born babies the same as other losses. Don't get me wrong...the death of a child at any age is a loss that no parent should ever have to experience. And I'm not discounting that. But, our losses shouldn't be discounted because we don't have memories of them. And because other's don't have memories of them. I have the memory of feelings with her. I have the memories of the 12 week ultrasound, when she was so active. I have the memories of Sean and I being so excited. We are parents.
I love her. I miss her every day. I'll never forget her.
I feel like this needs to be talked about more. I mean, I know it's not a pleasant topic. But, there are so many women going through this every day. And we have to grieve in silence a lot of the time. It's not fair. We have to hear the "Oh, you'll have a baby someday" comments when we already feel like we are moms. But people just don't get that. We don't want you to forget about our babies. We don't want you to feel uncomfortable to ask about our child. Or remember the birthday. Because pretending like it didn't happen makes me feel like it's unacceptable. And it's not.
(hopping off soap box)
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