This past week I only cried once. But, it was in a room full of strangers.
On Monday, Sean and I went to our first miscarriage support group. There was one other couple there, along with a woman who did not come with her husband. It was...nice...to be in a room of people who knew exactly what we were feeling. Even the facilitator had been in the situation. I shared our story and started crying immediately. But, they let me take my time, let me cry and listened. It didn't make them uncomfortable to hear our story. I was able to talk about my anger, my fears.
As good at it made me feel to share, listened to the other stories scared me. They had all had much later losses (37w and 41w). It made me incredibly sad for them, and almost...guilty? I mean, their babies would have been viable outside of the womb, whereas little Bootsie wouldn't have been. But I know that deep down, they weren't minimizing my loss. Just because my loss was different doesn't make it any less painful.
The next day, I had my second counseling session. And a lot of my other bullshit started to come out. She's starting to peel me like an onion. Which is good because I know I have unresolved issues that pop up. My anxiety, for one. It's out of control, especially lately. I'm able to control it in public, at school and appear calm. But my mind is a hot mess a lot of the time. So, bottom line...I'm glad I'm going.
One of the issues that I talked about was the fact that I am very critical of myself. It's very hard for me to accept compliments. I know a lot of that stems from the years of bullying I endured. But I'm almost 30, people. That shit shouldn't still be affecting me. But it does. And I hate that it does. But I'm going to work through it. My counselor basically said that I need to learn how to be nice to myself.
It's been three weeks since my procedure. Within the next week or two, we should be getting the results back from the baby. I'm ready to know. I have my appointment with my OB/GYN week after next. I'm ready to get the testing started on me too. I'm getting to a place where I'm getting comfortable with trying again. Although, we don't plan to do another round of medicine until after we move. The next 8 weeks or so are going to be crazy busy, with me finishing up school (forever!) and my internship. We're moving in 10 weeks. Once we get settled, we'll be in full baby-makin' mode.
Until then, I'm just gonna keep focusing on me, my health, school and my marriage. Sean and I are taking a little trip to D.C. this weekend for a few days. We need to get away. It'll be nice to do this...do a little sight seeing. Once we get back, I'll have to be back in school mode, as I have a million things due the following week.
Ready for this New Jersey chapter to be over. Can't wait for the new one to start. I feel like good things are coming our way...
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