After we found out the news, I did a lot of thing in haste. I deleted all of my belly photos off of my phone. I scratched all of my upcoming appointments off of the calendar, including the big one:
But there was one thing I couldn't do. I can't bring myself to take Bootsie's pictures off of the fridge. Even now...they are still there. I don't know what I want to do with them.
You guys...I don't know how to grieve this. How do you grieve for someone you never got to meet? How could I feel so much love for this little person? How do I get over this? With anyone in your life, you have memories of them. Happy times. You having things to look back on. With this, I don't have any memories. I just have the feelings. I have the connection I felt with my baby. I have the feeling of excitement. The feeling of being protective.
I've never had to grieve in my adult life. The last time I experienced a loss, I was 14 and my grandpa had died. With my grandpa, it was more of a blessing when he passed, because his Alzheimer's had gotten so bad, he stopped talking, eating, walking. He was essentially a vegetable.
Sean and I talked a lot about this yesterday. We don't want to forget this person existed. Although we don't know who it looked more like, what kind of personality it would have had....we both had so much love for Bootsie. We were both so excited to be parents. We were already making plans for the baby. And now we have to transition back to a "just us" mentality. Although now, more than ever, our goal of being parents is stronger. I'm anxious to start trying again, and so is Sean, once I'm physically and we're both mentally ready. Bootsie deserves to be grieved. But neither of us know how to do that.
I want our future children to know about Bootsie and the first baby. That they are loved too, even though they were never here. That they had siblings watching over them. Of course, I realize that they will have to be older to understand. But I want to never forget. I never want to hide my angel babies. They deserve attention too.
How do I do this? How do I begin to grieve?
Tomorrow I plan to make an appointment to start counseling. I know this is something I can't do without help. Sean also plans to seek help about this. We're going to grieve together. Get through this together. Because that's what Sean and I do. We've had such a strong bond pretty much since we started dating. And I know Bootsie would have been an amazing person because it was pieces of us. Our love. I know we'll have our baby and it will be just as amazing as Bootsie would have been.
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