My First Week Back

This past week was my first week back to "normal" life. But, I took it very easy on myself. I only went to my internship one day and went to  all of my classes.

I got so many hugs, you guys. And a lot of people telling me how sorry they were and to let them know if there was anything they could do. It was nice. A lot of people were surprised that I came back so soon. But, I don't really have the luxury of taking the actual time I need. Graduation is 80ish days away...I don't have the time to waste. So, I've pretty much decided to make myself a robot. Trying to do what I need to do, feeling as little as possible. Getting everything done so we can leave this terrible state.

To say I've been an emotional rollercoaster lately is an understatement. One minute I'm sad, the next I'm irrationally angry. I've cried more in the past week than I have in my entire life. Today I asked Sean if I would ever be pleasant again.

My anger has been the very prominent emotion lately. I already know July is going to be a rough month for me. Today Kim Kardashain announced what she's having and I got so angry. I was supposed to find out on Monday what we were supposed to have. Which means she is due around the same time I'm due. And I get irrationally angry with this. Like, why does she deserve to have a baby and I don't get mine? I know these thoughts are completely ridiculous and irrational. But seriously. I just have a feeling this anger thing is going to be sticking around for a while.

Last night I ran for the first time in months. I thought it would make me feel better. Instead, I got angry. I couldn't run for very long, since I haven't run since October. Then I started thinking about the weight I gained and how it was essentially for nothing. I tried lifting some weights to take my anger down, but it didn't help. This anger is like nothing I've ever experienced. I'm allowing myself to feel it though. And reacting how I'm reacting. Because I want to get back to normal. If I suppress it, it will just take longer.

I'm not really motivated for the exercise, but I just keep telling myself that I need to get my body ready for the next baby. I need to lose as much weight as I can between now and then, as it will be beneficial.

So, I'm basically just trying to focus on 3 things: school, exercise and job searching. So far, it's not really helping. I keep thinking of my baby. I keep thinking about the fact that I'm not pregnant anymore. I keep thinking about the unfairness of this situation. I keep thinking of what happened.

This loss is intense for me. I know it's only been a week, but I hope it starts to get at least a little better soon...