The Worst 3 Days of my Life and the Feelings that are Left

I know I've been very active on this blog lately. I've been finding it very therapeutic. It's 5am on Saturday and I'm up writing because I couldn't shut my brain off. As of this moment, February 12th, 14th & 15th, I'm marking as the worst days of my life. And I wish I were being dramatic.

I want to share my experiences, particular about the procedure, in hopes that it will someday help someone. Maybe someone who reads my blog now or someone who stumbles upon it in the future will find it beneficial. Some may find it a bit graphic, so just FYI.

Up until this point, you know my experience with pre-registering for the procedure and some of the consult with the doctor. What I haven't told you is how the process all started. I'm not sure if before 12 weeks you have this first step, but once you're in the second trimester and you experience what I have, you have to have what's called laminaria sticks placed in the cervix. They slowly dilate the cervix so the procedure can be done. But before he did that, he cleaned my cervix with antiseptic. And I consider my tolerance for pain relatively high, and y'all...this hurt. Several were placed in there. Afterwards, I was so crampy. And you can't take ibuprofen before the procedure, so he prescribed some tylenol with codeine, which seemed to help a little.

Of course I slept MAYBE 3 hours that night. Not just because of the cramps, but because I was so nervous. I knew I was going to be completely put under, and I never had before. So I was incredibly nervous. The next morning we arrived at the hospital at 6:30, as we were told. We were told that the procedure would be done around 8:30 and we'd be driving home around lunch time. Well...

7:30, 8:30, 9:30 comes and we're still in the waiting room to get called back to even get to a bed, get changed and all of that. There was a couple there who we had saw in the doctor's office the day before. When I saw them, I was 90% sure they were there for the same reason, because the woman had the exact same demeanor I did. So, when we saw them that morning, I knew for sure. And she was supposed to go before me. She eventually went up to ask what the hold up was. We later started chit-chatting and she said that apparently someone showed up early and were seen. She was annoyed. I was annoyed. But what could either of us do but sit and wait? But, it was nice to talk with her. She and her husband are also from the midwest and also plan to move home in the spring. And obviously, we were going through the same thing. But...they brought their baby, who I'm guessing was around 1-1 1/2. And I was a little jealous they had a baby to go home to.

As I was waiting, I was looking at my admission paperwork and I wasn't happy. First of all, the term "fetal demise" is the medical term for when a fetus dies. Also, when the baby dies and you don't miscarry, it's called a missed abortion. I feel like the term "abortion" in terms of babies and all that is a voluntary thing. So, I didn't like that the technical term for my situation is a missed abortion. Because obviously, none of this was my choice. (I, by the way, support a woman's right to choose and am in no way knocking anyone who has chosen to have an abortion. Everyone's situation is different. Obviously in mine, we want a baby, are ready for a baby, so an abortion was never an option for me. Just wanting to put that out there.)

Now, during this whole waiting, I'm cramping. In particular, lower back cramps. So, sitting in a chair for hours is not conducive for comfort. Eventually, the woman at the admissions desk had them take me to the recovery area to at least get on the gown and lay down because I was not comfortable. We were in there for 2 more hours until we finally got called up to get ready for the procedure. I didn't get nervous until they started talking about how they were going to intubate me. And that scared the shit out of me. I mean, I knew I was going to be put out before they would do that. But still. The idea was scary. Before they took me to the OR, they gave me some medicine to help me relax, which kicked in immediately. The last thing I remember is the OR being cold, them putting more blankets on me and then they put the mask on my face and told me to breathe deep. It felt like a long nap and I was waking up in the recovery room.

Now, this is where it gets graphic. I start coughing because my throat is so dry from the intubation. And they had oxygen on me. And as soon as I start coughing, the blood was...I don't want to say gushing, but there was quite a bit. I think, at first, the nurses were concerned about the amount of blood that was coming out. But I expected this because I mean...I did just have a fetus removed from my uterus. After about 10 minutes, the amount of blood reduced. And now, it's very minimal, which I'm pretty happy about.

After I became more with it, I was moved to another recovery room where Sean was waiting for me. It was nice to see him. I can't even begin to explain my love for this man. But he's my rock. When I was in the hospital in 2011 overnight for a random stomach thing, he sat with me the whole time. And yesterday, he sat and waited patiently. And he didn't want to eat until I could. Although, once I got to the second recovery room, they gave me crackers and I tore those up like I hadn't seen food in days. They gave me apple juice, cranberry juice and ginger ale to drink. I don't like cranberry juice or ginger ale and I drank them anyway because I was so thirsty. I wasn't allowed to drink or anything after midnight and by the time I got to this room, it was around 2.

Side bar #2: Ever have a catheter? I didn't either until yesterday. It wasn't in when I woke up but apparently I had one in during surgery. The first pee you take after having that removed is painful. So, there's that.

We finally got to leave around 3. I felt pretty decent. I didn't feel too groggy, I could walk and I really wasn't cramping. Although, I was crampy immediately after the procedure and they gave me something through the IV for that. My only complaint is that I didn't really see the doctor much before the procedure. He came over, apologized for the delay and told me we would start soon. And really, I wasn't going to be snappy at the man who was about to be all up in my business. Plus at that point, I was just relieved to finally get this started. I can't explain to you how the waiting felt like torture. I mean, this whole experience has been incredibly traumatic. But waiting for hours just adds to that. And I didn't see him after the surgery. And he didn't talk to Sean in person about the surgery. He called him. Which...is sorta weird to me. But whatever. The doctor said all went well and that's what matters.

Of course as soon as we get in the car, I fell asleep. lol. The nurse did say I would be groggy for 24 hours or so. I also took a nap when I got home. Which is probably part of the reason I'm up at 5am but you know I'm gonna go back to sleep soon.

So, that was my experience. It's over. My little Bootsie is officially gone. Now that's left is the questions. Why did this happen? Was something wrong with the baby? Or is something going on with me that I need to explore? Was it a combination of the two? I'm grateful to live in the day in age where these questions can most likely be answered. I keep going back and forth between hoping it was just something with the baby and not me. And at times I kind of hope it was something with me that can be fixed. Did I eat something bad? Did I have some infection that didn't affect me but the baby? The results for the baby should be in sometime next month. And then in late March, early April we can start to test me for certain things, just to be sure. But I also know that I could be perfectly fine and so could the baby and it could have just been an unfortunate situation that happened. But at least I'll know either way.

Several of my friends have told me how strong and determined I am. And typically when I set a goal, I'll achieve it. Having the title of mommy is my next big goal (after graduation, of course). And as much pain as I am in now and how scared I am to even try again, I know these will pass. I'm more determined now than ever to have our baby. I know I meant to have babies and be a mom. I want this too much to think otherwise. I can't wait for this day. For the baby to have Sean's sense of humor, strong work ethic and good looks ;) To have my compassion for others, strong will and determination. Our baby will bring so much joy to not just Sean and me, but to our whole family. Our friends.

I'm still trying to find the reason for this pain. This situation. I know there has to be some reason. It may take years before I know. I now have 2 angel babies and no earth baby. Maybe my first baby was like its momma and didn't like to be alone so Bootsie had to go keep it company. I just hope that the next time I'm in the hospital, I'm giving birth to my healthy earth baby. And that my first baby and Bootsie will watch over it. Watch over each other, little ones. And know that although we never got to hold you, mommy & daddy still love you very much. Always will.