Is this real life?

It's been a week since I found out my Bootsie is gone.

Tomorrow will mark my first day back to real life.

I'm honestly not ready.

I've spent the last week mainly in our apartment. The only time I've gotten out is to eat. And I've been eating a lot. Of junk. I've slept a lot. Bootsie is the last thing I think about before sleep and the first think I think of when I wake up.

I know that I won't really begin to get back to normal until I start doing my normal routine again. But I'd really like at least another week to do nothing. But unfortunately, I don't really have the time. Everyone keeps telling me to take time for myself. Take care of me. Take as much time as I want. I don't have the luxury to do that. At this point, I already feel like I've taken too much time for myself. I skipped class and my internship last week. I haven't been to internship yet this week. I'm still bursting into tears at random times.

I know I'm not ready, but like everything else right now, I'm gonna have to fake it until I make it. I'm 12 weeks away from graduation. I have to finish. This is the only reason we're still in New Jersey. Everything else about New Jersey has sucked and been awful. I will make this happen. I won't make our journey out here be for nothin'.

So tomorrow. I have internship and I have class. I hope it will be a good distraction. I also hope I don't cry. I'm not ready for the questions. My supervisor asked if she wanted me to tell people so I wouldn't, and I told her yes. But, there will be some people who still don't know. And I'll inevitably get "How's the baby" questions. And then I'll have to explain it. Ugh. I'm just not ready.

Tomorrow is the only day this week I plan to do internship. I was also going to do Thursday, but that was the only day this week I could get in for counseling and that's a priority right now. If I don't get that process started, nothing else is going to get done.

I've never felt depression like this. I know I'll get through it. But I still wish I could take another month off from life.