Sleep well, my little Bootsie

Tuesday was probably the worst day of my life. And that's not an exaggeration, by any means.

The previous weekend, I kept having bad thoughts. Like, something was wrong with my baby. Or something was going to go wrong. I chalked it up to just being ultra paranoid, based on how my first pregnancy went. When I kept having these thoughts on Monday, I knew I had to go to the doctor the next day just to receive peace of mind. At least, that is what I was hoping for.

At the appointment, the doctor could not find the baby's heartbeat with the doppler. She got an ultrasound machine and couldn't tell if the baby had a heartbeat or not, since their machine is kinda crappy. She did say she was concerned because she was pushing on my stomach to try to get the baby to move and it wasn't. She sent me to the hospital to get a better ultrasound.

I picked up Sean on the way. This was the one appointment he didn't go to because we both figured it was me just being a hot mess. We both thought everything would be fine. Hell, we had plans to get lunch after.

Once we got to the hospital and in an ultrasound room, my worst fears were realized. I was 18 weeks 2 days on Tuesday. As soon as the tech did the first measurement, I knew the baby was gone. The baby was measuring 15 weeks 3 days. My baby died 3 weeks before. I started crying immediately. The tech also said nothing while she was measuring, which I also knew was bad. As soon as she confirmed what I already knew, Sean grabbed me and we cried together.

We consulted with the doctor and he explained the most likely reasons as to why this happened. But we won't know for sure for another 6-8 weeks, after the tests come back. I'm having the procedure (known as a d&e) on Friday to remove the baby. About 8 weeks after the procedure, they'll do some testing on me to see if I have any issues that could have caused it (like a clotting problem).

Now all I'm left with are the emotions. The questions. The what-ifs. The whys.

I love you, my little Bootsie. Sleep well.

(Just as a side bar...if you're going to comment. There are certain things that I do not want to see right now:

1. I don't need anyone to explain to me that miscarriages usually happen because something was wrong with the baby and all that. I'm very aware of that. I don't need you to tell me that right now.

2. "Everything happens for a reason" I certainly do not want to hear. Because while I generally believe that is true, my heart is too broken to even process that right now.

Thanks. )