Today we were supposed to be finding out the sex of our baby. Instead, we're left with all of the unknown. The questions. The whys. Last night, while trying to fall asleep, I burst into tears. I couldn't sleep. Because of my lack of sleep, I stayed home today. Plus, I knew today wouldn't be a good day. I miss my baby so much. I miss the connection. I feel so...empty.
This situation has made my insecurity bullshit pop up. I feel broken. A lot of days I feel hopeless. I feel like it'll never happen. (Although, I have no intent of giving up). I feel like I let everyone down. I let Sean down. I don't feel very attractive to him right now. I hurt his feelings yesterday when I asked him if he was still attracted to me. Which, of course, wasn't my intent. But it's my old Sarah bullshit coming to play.
In spite of all of the darkness that surrounds me right now, I have one constant light: Sean. I don't know how I ended up with someone as wonderful as him. I honestly didn't think anyone like him existed. I didn't think I deserved someone like him. His unconditional love. His support. He makes me feel beautiful when I think I look like hell. He lets me know everyday how much he loves me.
I've not been the easiest person to live with as of recently. It takes something incredibly small to get me angry. I start crying for no reason. I've been putting myself down. I'm trying really hard to get out of this funk, but I know it's going to take me a while. I mean, this whole experience has been so traumatic and I have every reason to feel why I do. I'm still grieving.
But I know, in times of happiness and sadness, that Sean will always be there for me. He's been incredibly understanding and supportive. I know we're meant to have our baby. Why would we both want it so much if it weren't meant to be? I know when we do finally get our baby to take home, Sean is going to be an amazing father. A great role model. And he'll continue to be a wonderful husband.
I'm ready (and I know he's ready) to close this New Jersey chapter of our lives. It's not been easy, but we've gotten through it together. I hope we're paid up for a while on the bad shit. I hope that it'll be our turn soon to experience the joy of a child. The joy of being back home. Feeling like we belong.
I know that our lives together won't always be easy. I know other bad things will happen. But, we'll get through it together. I'm just looking forward to a little joy. We deserve it.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Saturday, February 23, 2013
My First Week Back
This past week was my first week back to "normal" life. But, I took it very easy on myself. I only went to my internship one day and went to all of my classes.
I got so many hugs, you guys. And a lot of people telling me how sorry they were and to let them know if there was anything they could do. It was nice. A lot of people were surprised that I came back so soon. But, I don't really have the luxury of taking the actual time I need. Graduation is 80ish days away...I don't have the time to waste. So, I've pretty much decided to make myself a robot. Trying to do what I need to do, feeling as little as possible. Getting everything done so we can leave this terrible state.
To say I've been an emotional rollercoaster lately is an understatement. One minute I'm sad, the next I'm irrationally angry. I've cried more in the past week than I have in my entire life. Today I asked Sean if I would ever be pleasant again.
My anger has been the very prominent emotion lately. I already know July is going to be a rough month for me. Today Kim Kardashain announced what she's having and I got so angry. I was supposed to find out on Monday what we were supposed to have. Which means she is due around the same time I'm due. And I get irrationally angry with this. Like, why does she deserve to have a baby and I don't get mine? I know these thoughts are completely ridiculous and irrational. But seriously. I just have a feeling this anger thing is going to be sticking around for a while.
Last night I ran for the first time in months. I thought it would make me feel better. Instead, I got angry. I couldn't run for very long, since I haven't run since October. Then I started thinking about the weight I gained and how it was essentially for nothing. I tried lifting some weights to take my anger down, but it didn't help. This anger is like nothing I've ever experienced. I'm allowing myself to feel it though. And reacting how I'm reacting. Because I want to get back to normal. If I suppress it, it will just take longer.
I'm not really motivated for the exercise, but I just keep telling myself that I need to get my body ready for the next baby. I need to lose as much weight as I can between now and then, as it will be beneficial.
So, I'm basically just trying to focus on 3 things: school, exercise and job searching. So far, it's not really helping. I keep thinking of my baby. I keep thinking about the fact that I'm not pregnant anymore. I keep thinking about the unfairness of this situation. I keep thinking of what happened.
This loss is intense for me. I know it's only been a week, but I hope it starts to get at least a little better soon...
I got so many hugs, you guys. And a lot of people telling me how sorry they were and to let them know if there was anything they could do. It was nice. A lot of people were surprised that I came back so soon. But, I don't really have the luxury of taking the actual time I need. Graduation is 80ish days away...I don't have the time to waste. So, I've pretty much decided to make myself a robot. Trying to do what I need to do, feeling as little as possible. Getting everything done so we can leave this terrible state.
To say I've been an emotional rollercoaster lately is an understatement. One minute I'm sad, the next I'm irrationally angry. I've cried more in the past week than I have in my entire life. Today I asked Sean if I would ever be pleasant again.
My anger has been the very prominent emotion lately. I already know July is going to be a rough month for me. Today Kim Kardashain announced what she's having and I got so angry. I was supposed to find out on Monday what we were supposed to have. Which means she is due around the same time I'm due. And I get irrationally angry with this. Like, why does she deserve to have a baby and I don't get mine? I know these thoughts are completely ridiculous and irrational. But seriously. I just have a feeling this anger thing is going to be sticking around for a while.
Last night I ran for the first time in months. I thought it would make me feel better. Instead, I got angry. I couldn't run for very long, since I haven't run since October. Then I started thinking about the weight I gained and how it was essentially for nothing. I tried lifting some weights to take my anger down, but it didn't help. This anger is like nothing I've ever experienced. I'm allowing myself to feel it though. And reacting how I'm reacting. Because I want to get back to normal. If I suppress it, it will just take longer.
I'm not really motivated for the exercise, but I just keep telling myself that I need to get my body ready for the next baby. I need to lose as much weight as I can between now and then, as it will be beneficial.
So, I'm basically just trying to focus on 3 things: school, exercise and job searching. So far, it's not really helping. I keep thinking of my baby. I keep thinking about the fact that I'm not pregnant anymore. I keep thinking about the unfairness of this situation. I keep thinking of what happened.
This loss is intense for me. I know it's only been a week, but I hope it starts to get at least a little better soon...
Friday, February 22, 2013
Bootsie in the Sky
I started counseling yesterday. I was talking to her about my difficulty on how to figure out how to grieve.
She suggested a ritual, or some way to memorialize our baby. One of her ideas was planting a tree.
I didn't want to plant a tree because the tree would stay in NJ. If we owned a home, I would definitely had done this in our own yard. So, my mind began churning of ideas when the perfect one came to mind. When I mentioned it to Sean, he loved the idea too.
We named a star in the Cancer constellation Bootsie. We chose the Cancer constellation, as our baby would have been a Cancer.
I remember when I was a kid, my mom used to tell me that I was just a star in the sky before I was born. I thought back to that. This is the most appropriate memorial we could have possibly done.
I think this will help Sean and I eventually to come at peace with our loss. And although we will never have a grave to visit or memories to think back on, we can always look up to the sky and talk to our baby.
Now our Bootsie star will forever be in the sky. And Bootsie can help pick out the next star(s) that will become our earth baby. And when our earth baby (babies) gets older, we can look up at the sky with them and explain that they have a sibling who is always watching over them. And we can explain how much we love our angel babies just as much as we love them.
She suggested a ritual, or some way to memorialize our baby. One of her ideas was planting a tree.
I didn't want to plant a tree because the tree would stay in NJ. If we owned a home, I would definitely had done this in our own yard. So, my mind began churning of ideas when the perfect one came to mind. When I mentioned it to Sean, he loved the idea too.
(click to expand!)
We named a star in the Cancer constellation Bootsie. We chose the Cancer constellation, as our baby would have been a Cancer.
I remember when I was a kid, my mom used to tell me that I was just a star in the sky before I was born. I thought back to that. This is the most appropriate memorial we could have possibly done.
I think this will help Sean and I eventually to come at peace with our loss. And although we will never have a grave to visit or memories to think back on, we can always look up to the sky and talk to our baby.
Now our Bootsie star will forever be in the sky. And Bootsie can help pick out the next star(s) that will become our earth baby. And when our earth baby (babies) gets older, we can look up at the sky with them and explain that they have a sibling who is always watching over them. And we can explain how much we love our angel babies just as much as we love them.
On what NOT to say...
I've had a lot of people approach me, either via facebook, text or in person. And I know most people are hesitant. Wanting to say the right thing. But as I've said before, there isn't a right thing to say, as this situation just sucks. But, there are wrong things to say.
The following are three things that have been said to me.
1. "Oh, you can just try again. You're young!"
Ok. Let's examine this one. Yes. I can try again. And we will try again. But you're saying this to me not even a week after my procedure? I'm fairly confident that the person that said this to me has never experienced a miscarriage. Especially not a second trimester miscarriage.
I've lost my CHILD. Now, I am in no way comparing this to someone who has lost their child who has been living on this Earth. (I can't even imagine this pain). But. I lost my baby. My baby who I loved very much. Who we were making plans for. Who had a registry made for it. Who already had a lot of people loving it. My baby is gone.
Plus, if you don't read this blog, you don't know my situation. You don't know that my hormones are all off. You don't know I had to use fertility medicine. You dont' know that it's just not as easy as sex = baby for me. So, don't assume you do know and say something stupid.
And you're telling me I can just try again? Dafuk?
2. "It just wasn't meant to be."
Ugh. This was said to me by someone who I have a lot of respect for. And I know she meant well. And she shared with me she's been through a similar situation. And as I've said before, I believe most things do happen for a reason. But ugh. Until I know the reason why this happened to me, I'm not ready for hear that.
3. "You can always adopt. There are a lot of children out there who need homes."
When I was told this, I gave a major side-eye. C'mon. This is no way, shape, or form makes me feel better. In fact, it makes me feel a million times worse. This basically tells me to give up. You will never have your own child so just adopt. As if adoption is just that easy! Just go down to your local orphanage and pick one out!
We've been trying for only a little over a year. I'm not giving up on my dream to have my own child. There are so many other options. I'd like to have at least one of my own. Maybe if we're only able to have one, we would talk about this. I've even thought about having foster children when my baby is older. But I'm not ready to seriously consider this yet. And I would guess that 95% of people want their own children and would fight tooth and nail to have their own until they thought about adoption.
I'm not knocking adoption, by any means. I think it's great. Two of my cousins were adopted. But, telling someone "they can always adopt" hurts me right now.
I'm aware of my options. I know how babies are made. I certainly don't need people telling me my options.
So, for anyone reading this, if you ever have a friend, family member, whoever that is going through this situation, just know there isn't a right thing to say. But there are wrong things to say. I can't speak for every woman who has been through or who is going through this right now. But my advice to you is simple:
1. Let the person know you're there for them when they want to talk.
2. Acknowledge that you are sorry and the situation is just shitty.
3. Do not say any of the 3 things above.
Don't be uncomfortable with our pain. We need to feel our pain, our emotions and accept the situation before we can move on.
The following are three things that have been said to me.
1. "Oh, you can just try again. You're young!"
Ok. Let's examine this one. Yes. I can try again. And we will try again. But you're saying this to me not even a week after my procedure? I'm fairly confident that the person that said this to me has never experienced a miscarriage. Especially not a second trimester miscarriage.
I've lost my CHILD. Now, I am in no way comparing this to someone who has lost their child who has been living on this Earth. (I can't even imagine this pain). But. I lost my baby. My baby who I loved very much. Who we were making plans for. Who had a registry made for it. Who already had a lot of people loving it. My baby is gone.
Plus, if you don't read this blog, you don't know my situation. You don't know that my hormones are all off. You don't know I had to use fertility medicine. You dont' know that it's just not as easy as sex = baby for me. So, don't assume you do know and say something stupid.
And you're telling me I can just try again? Dafuk?
2. "It just wasn't meant to be."
Ugh. This was said to me by someone who I have a lot of respect for. And I know she meant well. And she shared with me she's been through a similar situation. And as I've said before, I believe most things do happen for a reason. But ugh. Until I know the reason why this happened to me, I'm not ready for hear that.
3. "You can always adopt. There are a lot of children out there who need homes."
When I was told this, I gave a major side-eye. C'mon. This is no way, shape, or form makes me feel better. In fact, it makes me feel a million times worse. This basically tells me to give up. You will never have your own child so just adopt. As if adoption is just that easy! Just go down to your local orphanage and pick one out!
We've been trying for only a little over a year. I'm not giving up on my dream to have my own child. There are so many other options. I'd like to have at least one of my own. Maybe if we're only able to have one, we would talk about this. I've even thought about having foster children when my baby is older. But I'm not ready to seriously consider this yet. And I would guess that 95% of people want their own children and would fight tooth and nail to have their own until they thought about adoption.
I'm not knocking adoption, by any means. I think it's great. Two of my cousins were adopted. But, telling someone "they can always adopt" hurts me right now.
I'm aware of my options. I know how babies are made. I certainly don't need people telling me my options.
So, for anyone reading this, if you ever have a friend, family member, whoever that is going through this situation, just know there isn't a right thing to say. But there are wrong things to say. I can't speak for every woman who has been through or who is going through this right now. But my advice to you is simple:
1. Let the person know you're there for them when they want to talk.
2. Acknowledge that you are sorry and the situation is just shitty.
3. Do not say any of the 3 things above.
Don't be uncomfortable with our pain. We need to feel our pain, our emotions and accept the situation before we can move on.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Is this real life?
It's been a week since I found out my Bootsie is gone.
Tomorrow will mark my first day back to real life.
I'm honestly not ready.
I've spent the last week mainly in our apartment. The only time I've gotten out is to eat. And I've been eating a lot. Of junk. I've slept a lot. Bootsie is the last thing I think about before sleep and the first think I think of when I wake up.
I know that I won't really begin to get back to normal until I start doing my normal routine again. But I'd really like at least another week to do nothing. But unfortunately, I don't really have the time. Everyone keeps telling me to take time for myself. Take care of me. Take as much time as I want. I don't have the luxury to do that. At this point, I already feel like I've taken too much time for myself. I skipped class and my internship last week. I haven't been to internship yet this week. I'm still bursting into tears at random times.
I know I'm not ready, but like everything else right now, I'm gonna have to fake it until I make it. I'm 12 weeks away from graduation. I have to finish. This is the only reason we're still in New Jersey. Everything else about New Jersey has sucked and been awful. I will make this happen. I won't make our journey out here be for nothin'.
So tomorrow. I have internship and I have class. I hope it will be a good distraction. I also hope I don't cry. I'm not ready for the questions. My supervisor asked if she wanted me to tell people so I wouldn't, and I told her yes. But, there will be some people who still don't know. And I'll inevitably get "How's the baby" questions. And then I'll have to explain it. Ugh. I'm just not ready.
Tomorrow is the only day this week I plan to do internship. I was also going to do Thursday, but that was the only day this week I could get in for counseling and that's a priority right now. If I don't get that process started, nothing else is going to get done.
I've never felt depression like this. I know I'll get through it. But I still wish I could take another month off from life.
Tomorrow will mark my first day back to real life.
I'm honestly not ready.
I've spent the last week mainly in our apartment. The only time I've gotten out is to eat. And I've been eating a lot. Of junk. I've slept a lot. Bootsie is the last thing I think about before sleep and the first think I think of when I wake up.
I know that I won't really begin to get back to normal until I start doing my normal routine again. But I'd really like at least another week to do nothing. But unfortunately, I don't really have the time. Everyone keeps telling me to take time for myself. Take care of me. Take as much time as I want. I don't have the luxury to do that. At this point, I already feel like I've taken too much time for myself. I skipped class and my internship last week. I haven't been to internship yet this week. I'm still bursting into tears at random times.
I know I'm not ready, but like everything else right now, I'm gonna have to fake it until I make it. I'm 12 weeks away from graduation. I have to finish. This is the only reason we're still in New Jersey. Everything else about New Jersey has sucked and been awful. I will make this happen. I won't make our journey out here be for nothin'.
So tomorrow. I have internship and I have class. I hope it will be a good distraction. I also hope I don't cry. I'm not ready for the questions. My supervisor asked if she wanted me to tell people so I wouldn't, and I told her yes. But, there will be some people who still don't know. And I'll inevitably get "How's the baby" questions. And then I'll have to explain it. Ugh. I'm just not ready.
Tomorrow is the only day this week I plan to do internship. I was also going to do Thursday, but that was the only day this week I could get in for counseling and that's a priority right now. If I don't get that process started, nothing else is going to get done.
I've never felt depression like this. I know I'll get through it. But I still wish I could take another month off from life.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Jealousy
I'm aware that this post isn't going to make me very popular with my friends. But I can't sit here and pretend this isn't happening.
It's been almost a week since we found out the news. And since then, I've been feeling extreme jealousy. A good portion of my friends have children or are pregnant right now (or for the majority of them, both).
I can't help but feeling jealousy. I'm jealous that you have a baby to take care of. I'm jealous that your pregnancy is going well. I'm jealous that you aren't getting sleep. I'm jealous that you (as far as I know) got pregnant without fertility intervention. I'm jealous that you're happy. I'm jealous that you have your family. I'm jealous that you don't know these feelings that I'm experiencing.
But on the flip, I'm happy for my friends. I'm happy that you don't have to go through this. I'm happy you have your family. I'm happy that fertility wise, things are easy for you. I'm happy that you're happy.
One of my longtime friends, who I've known since I was 8, messaged me in October letting me know she was pregnant with her second child. And she wanted to tell me first before she made the big announcement, because she knew that I was struggling to get pregnant. The month before, I had had the first miscarriage. I thought that was incredibly sweet and considerate of her. Although I told her that she didn't have to do that and I was happy for her. And I really am. And at the time when she told me, I already knew I was pregnant with Bootsie. I just obviously wasn't telling anyone because it was so early. So the news at the time wasn't hard to take.
I have another friend who I met on a message board for women who were struggling to get pregnant. We've actually become pretty close, although we've never met. She got pregnant 2 weeks after me and I thought that was so cool. We both had early pregnancy losses. Both of us were struggling to get pregnant. So, when we were going to be able to share our pregnancy together, I was ecstatic. We were texting each other often and sharing our symptoms and just talking about our pregnancies. Now, she's still pregnant and I'm not. And I haven't really spoken to her since. I mean, she's reached out and all of that. And I feel like an awful person. But I just can't right now.
I've thought about taking a Facebook break. There are so many pictures of babies and posts about what the babies are doing. That hurts. Right now I'm just scrolling through them. I can't take the time to read the posts or look at the pictures. I just can't. But I don't want to take a Facebook break. Facebook is how I keep in touch with the majority of my friends right now (because I'm so damn far away) that I don't want to miss anything. If someone needs me, I want them to know I'm there. If something awesome happens, I want to celebrate with you.
Another one of my friends, who is pregnant right now, recently reached out to me. She told me she felt a little guilty because she was on the verge of giving birth and I've lost 2 babies in the last 5 months. She also has another friend who recently lost a baby around 20 weeks. She told me she wants me to have what she has. She told me she believes that I was born to be a mother and I would have my baby soon. I hope she's right.
I told her not to feel guilty. My intent of this post isn't to make anyone feel guilty about sharing their life or having their family. So hopefully no one feels like that. Please know that I am truly happy for you. But please also understand that I can't really....celebrate with you in that part of your life right now. My heart is in pieces. And until I start counseling and healing, I won't be able to celebrate with you in that part of your life. Once I'm able to heal my heart, I'll come around. And I know that when I do have my baby, you'll be there to celebrate with me.
It's been almost a week since we found out the news. And since then, I've been feeling extreme jealousy. A good portion of my friends have children or are pregnant right now (or for the majority of them, both).
I can't help but feeling jealousy. I'm jealous that you have a baby to take care of. I'm jealous that your pregnancy is going well. I'm jealous that you aren't getting sleep. I'm jealous that you (as far as I know) got pregnant without fertility intervention. I'm jealous that you're happy. I'm jealous that you have your family. I'm jealous that you don't know these feelings that I'm experiencing.
But on the flip, I'm happy for my friends. I'm happy that you don't have to go through this. I'm happy you have your family. I'm happy that fertility wise, things are easy for you. I'm happy that you're happy.
One of my longtime friends, who I've known since I was 8, messaged me in October letting me know she was pregnant with her second child. And she wanted to tell me first before she made the big announcement, because she knew that I was struggling to get pregnant. The month before, I had had the first miscarriage. I thought that was incredibly sweet and considerate of her. Although I told her that she didn't have to do that and I was happy for her. And I really am. And at the time when she told me, I already knew I was pregnant with Bootsie. I just obviously wasn't telling anyone because it was so early. So the news at the time wasn't hard to take.
I have another friend who I met on a message board for women who were struggling to get pregnant. We've actually become pretty close, although we've never met. She got pregnant 2 weeks after me and I thought that was so cool. We both had early pregnancy losses. Both of us were struggling to get pregnant. So, when we were going to be able to share our pregnancy together, I was ecstatic. We were texting each other often and sharing our symptoms and just talking about our pregnancies. Now, she's still pregnant and I'm not. And I haven't really spoken to her since. I mean, she's reached out and all of that. And I feel like an awful person. But I just can't right now.
I've thought about taking a Facebook break. There are so many pictures of babies and posts about what the babies are doing. That hurts. Right now I'm just scrolling through them. I can't take the time to read the posts or look at the pictures. I just can't. But I don't want to take a Facebook break. Facebook is how I keep in touch with the majority of my friends right now (because I'm so damn far away) that I don't want to miss anything. If someone needs me, I want them to know I'm there. If something awesome happens, I want to celebrate with you.
Another one of my friends, who is pregnant right now, recently reached out to me. She told me she felt a little guilty because she was on the verge of giving birth and I've lost 2 babies in the last 5 months. She also has another friend who recently lost a baby around 20 weeks. She told me she wants me to have what she has. She told me she believes that I was born to be a mother and I would have my baby soon. I hope she's right.
I told her not to feel guilty. My intent of this post isn't to make anyone feel guilty about sharing their life or having their family. So hopefully no one feels like that. Please know that I am truly happy for you. But please also understand that I can't really....celebrate with you in that part of your life right now. My heart is in pieces. And until I start counseling and healing, I won't be able to celebrate with you in that part of your life. Once I'm able to heal my heart, I'll come around. And I know that when I do have my baby, you'll be there to celebrate with me.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Forget-Me-Not
One of my very dear friends sent me a book and this Willow Tree Figurine:
Her name is "Forget-Me-Not"
After we found out the news, I did a lot of thing in haste. I deleted all of my belly photos off of my phone. I scratched all of my upcoming appointments off of the calendar, including the big one:
After we found out the news, I did a lot of thing in haste. I deleted all of my belly photos off of my phone. I scratched all of my upcoming appointments off of the calendar, including the big one:
But there was one thing I couldn't do. I can't bring myself to take Bootsie's pictures off of the fridge. Even now...they are still there. I don't know what I want to do with them.
You guys...I don't know how to grieve this. How do you grieve for someone you never got to meet? How could I feel so much love for this little person? How do I get over this? With anyone in your life, you have memories of them. Happy times. You having things to look back on. With this, I don't have any memories. I just have the feelings. I have the connection I felt with my baby. I have the feeling of excitement. The feeling of being protective.
I've never had to grieve in my adult life. The last time I experienced a loss, I was 14 and my grandpa had died. With my grandpa, it was more of a blessing when he passed, because his Alzheimer's had gotten so bad, he stopped talking, eating, walking. He was essentially a vegetable.
Sean and I talked a lot about this yesterday. We don't want to forget this person existed. Although we don't know who it looked more like, what kind of personality it would have had....we both had so much love for Bootsie. We were both so excited to be parents. We were already making plans for the baby. And now we have to transition back to a "just us" mentality. Although now, more than ever, our goal of being parents is stronger. I'm anxious to start trying again, and so is Sean, once I'm physically and we're both mentally ready. Bootsie deserves to be grieved. But neither of us know how to do that.
I want our future children to know about Bootsie and the first baby. That they are loved too, even though they were never here. That they had siblings watching over them. Of course, I realize that they will have to be older to understand. But I want to never forget. I never want to hide my angel babies. They deserve attention too.
How do I do this? How do I begin to grieve?
Tomorrow I plan to make an appointment to start counseling. I know this is something I can't do without help. Sean also plans to seek help about this. We're going to grieve together. Get through this together. Because that's what Sean and I do. We've had such a strong bond pretty much since we started dating. And I know Bootsie would have been an amazing person because it was pieces of us. Our love. I know we'll have our baby and it will be just as amazing as Bootsie would have been.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
The Worst 3 Days of my Life and the Feelings that are Left
I know I've been very active on this blog lately. I've been finding it very therapeutic. It's 5am on Saturday and I'm up writing because I couldn't shut my brain off. As of this moment, February 12th, 14th & 15th, I'm marking as the worst days of my life. And I wish I were being dramatic.
I want to share my experiences, particular about the procedure, in hopes that it will someday help someone. Maybe someone who reads my blog now or someone who stumbles upon it in the future will find it beneficial. Some may find it a bit graphic, so just FYI.
Up until this point, you know my experience with pre-registering for the procedure and some of the consult with the doctor. What I haven't told you is how the process all started. I'm not sure if before 12 weeks you have this first step, but once you're in the second trimester and you experience what I have, you have to have what's called laminaria sticks placed in the cervix. They slowly dilate the cervix so the procedure can be done. But before he did that, he cleaned my cervix with antiseptic. And I consider my tolerance for pain relatively high, and y'all...this hurt. Several were placed in there. Afterwards, I was so crampy. And you can't take ibuprofen before the procedure, so he prescribed some tylenol with codeine, which seemed to help a little.
Of course I slept MAYBE 3 hours that night. Not just because of the cramps, but because I was so nervous. I knew I was going to be completely put under, and I never had before. So I was incredibly nervous. The next morning we arrived at the hospital at 6:30, as we were told. We were told that the procedure would be done around 8:30 and we'd be driving home around lunch time. Well...
7:30, 8:30, 9:30 comes and we're still in the waiting room to get called back to even get to a bed, get changed and all of that. There was a couple there who we had saw in the doctor's office the day before. When I saw them, I was 90% sure they were there for the same reason, because the woman had the exact same demeanor I did. So, when we saw them that morning, I knew for sure. And she was supposed to go before me. She eventually went up to ask what the hold up was. We later started chit-chatting and she said that apparently someone showed up early and were seen. She was annoyed. I was annoyed. But what could either of us do but sit and wait? But, it was nice to talk with her. She and her husband are also from the midwest and also plan to move home in the spring. And obviously, we were going through the same thing. But...they brought their baby, who I'm guessing was around 1-1 1/2. And I was a little jealous they had a baby to go home to.
As I was waiting, I was looking at my admission paperwork and I wasn't happy. First of all, the term "fetal demise" is the medical term for when a fetus dies. Also, when the baby dies and you don't miscarry, it's called a missed abortion. I feel like the term "abortion" in terms of babies and all that is a voluntary thing. So, I didn't like that the technical term for my situation is a missed abortion. Because obviously, none of this was my choice. (I, by the way, support a woman's right to choose and am in no way knocking anyone who has chosen to have an abortion. Everyone's situation is different. Obviously in mine, we want a baby, are ready for a baby, so an abortion was never an option for me. Just wanting to put that out there.)
Now, during this whole waiting, I'm cramping. In particular, lower back cramps. So, sitting in a chair for hours is not conducive for comfort. Eventually, the woman at the admissions desk had them take me to the recovery area to at least get on the gown and lay down because I was not comfortable. We were in there for 2 more hours until we finally got called up to get ready for the procedure. I didn't get nervous until they started talking about how they were going to intubate me. And that scared the shit out of me. I mean, I knew I was going to be put out before they would do that. But still. The idea was scary. Before they took me to the OR, they gave me some medicine to help me relax, which kicked in immediately. The last thing I remember is the OR being cold, them putting more blankets on me and then they put the mask on my face and told me to breathe deep. It felt like a long nap and I was waking up in the recovery room.
Now, this is where it gets graphic. I start coughing because my throat is so dry from the intubation. And they had oxygen on me. And as soon as I start coughing, the blood was...I don't want to say gushing, but there was quite a bit. I think, at first, the nurses were concerned about the amount of blood that was coming out. But I expected this because I mean...I did just have a fetus removed from my uterus. After about 10 minutes, the amount of blood reduced. And now, it's very minimal, which I'm pretty happy about.
After I became more with it, I was moved to another recovery room where Sean was waiting for me. It was nice to see him. I can't even begin to explain my love for this man. But he's my rock. When I was in the hospital in 2011 overnight for a random stomach thing, he sat with me the whole time. And yesterday, he sat and waited patiently. And he didn't want to eat until I could. Although, once I got to the second recovery room, they gave me crackers and I tore those up like I hadn't seen food in days. They gave me apple juice, cranberry juice and ginger ale to drink. I don't like cranberry juice or ginger ale and I drank them anyway because I was so thirsty. I wasn't allowed to drink or anything after midnight and by the time I got to this room, it was around 2.
Side bar #2: Ever have a catheter? I didn't either until yesterday. It wasn't in when I woke up but apparently I had one in during surgery. The first pee you take after having that removed is painful. So, there's that.
We finally got to leave around 3. I felt pretty decent. I didn't feel too groggy, I could walk and I really wasn't cramping. Although, I was crampy immediately after the procedure and they gave me something through the IV for that. My only complaint is that I didn't really see the doctor much before the procedure. He came over, apologized for the delay and told me we would start soon. And really, I wasn't going to be snappy at the man who was about to be all up in my business. Plus at that point, I was just relieved to finally get this started. I can't explain to you how the waiting felt like torture. I mean, this whole experience has been incredibly traumatic. But waiting for hours just adds to that. And I didn't see him after the surgery. And he didn't talk to Sean in person about the surgery. He called him. Which...is sorta weird to me. But whatever. The doctor said all went well and that's what matters.
Of course as soon as we get in the car, I fell asleep. lol. The nurse did say I would be groggy for 24 hours or so. I also took a nap when I got home. Which is probably part of the reason I'm up at 5am but you know I'm gonna go back to sleep soon.
So, that was my experience. It's over. My little Bootsie is officially gone. Now that's left is the questions. Why did this happen? Was something wrong with the baby? Or is something going on with me that I need to explore? Was it a combination of the two? I'm grateful to live in the day in age where these questions can most likely be answered. I keep going back and forth between hoping it was just something with the baby and not me. And at times I kind of hope it was something with me that can be fixed. Did I eat something bad? Did I have some infection that didn't affect me but the baby? The results for the baby should be in sometime next month. And then in late March, early April we can start to test me for certain things, just to be sure. But I also know that I could be perfectly fine and so could the baby and it could have just been an unfortunate situation that happened. But at least I'll know either way.
Several of my friends have told me how strong and determined I am. And typically when I set a goal, I'll achieve it. Having the title of mommy is my next big goal (after graduation, of course). And as much pain as I am in now and how scared I am to even try again, I know these will pass. I'm more determined now than ever to have our baby. I know I meant to have babies and be a mom. I want this too much to think otherwise. I can't wait for this day. For the baby to have Sean's sense of humor, strong work ethic and good looks ;) To have my compassion for others, strong will and determination. Our baby will bring so much joy to not just Sean and me, but to our whole family. Our friends.
I'm still trying to find the reason for this pain. This situation. I know there has to be some reason. It may take years before I know. I now have 2 angel babies and no earth baby. Maybe my first baby was like its momma and didn't like to be alone so Bootsie had to go keep it company. I just hope that the next time I'm in the hospital, I'm giving birth to my healthy earth baby. And that my first baby and Bootsie will watch over it. Watch over each other, little ones. And know that although we never got to hold you, mommy & daddy still love you very much. Always will.
I want to share my experiences, particular about the procedure, in hopes that it will someday help someone. Maybe someone who reads my blog now or someone who stumbles upon it in the future will find it beneficial. Some may find it a bit graphic, so just FYI.
Up until this point, you know my experience with pre-registering for the procedure and some of the consult with the doctor. What I haven't told you is how the process all started. I'm not sure if before 12 weeks you have this first step, but once you're in the second trimester and you experience what I have, you have to have what's called laminaria sticks placed in the cervix. They slowly dilate the cervix so the procedure can be done. But before he did that, he cleaned my cervix with antiseptic. And I consider my tolerance for pain relatively high, and y'all...this hurt. Several were placed in there. Afterwards, I was so crampy. And you can't take ibuprofen before the procedure, so he prescribed some tylenol with codeine, which seemed to help a little.
Of course I slept MAYBE 3 hours that night. Not just because of the cramps, but because I was so nervous. I knew I was going to be completely put under, and I never had before. So I was incredibly nervous. The next morning we arrived at the hospital at 6:30, as we were told. We were told that the procedure would be done around 8:30 and we'd be driving home around lunch time. Well...
7:30, 8:30, 9:30 comes and we're still in the waiting room to get called back to even get to a bed, get changed and all of that. There was a couple there who we had saw in the doctor's office the day before. When I saw them, I was 90% sure they were there for the same reason, because the woman had the exact same demeanor I did. So, when we saw them that morning, I knew for sure. And she was supposed to go before me. She eventually went up to ask what the hold up was. We later started chit-chatting and she said that apparently someone showed up early and were seen. She was annoyed. I was annoyed. But what could either of us do but sit and wait? But, it was nice to talk with her. She and her husband are also from the midwest and also plan to move home in the spring. And obviously, we were going through the same thing. But...they brought their baby, who I'm guessing was around 1-1 1/2. And I was a little jealous they had a baby to go home to.
As I was waiting, I was looking at my admission paperwork and I wasn't happy. First of all, the term "fetal demise" is the medical term for when a fetus dies. Also, when the baby dies and you don't miscarry, it's called a missed abortion. I feel like the term "abortion" in terms of babies and all that is a voluntary thing. So, I didn't like that the technical term for my situation is a missed abortion. Because obviously, none of this was my choice. (I, by the way, support a woman's right to choose and am in no way knocking anyone who has chosen to have an abortion. Everyone's situation is different. Obviously in mine, we want a baby, are ready for a baby, so an abortion was never an option for me. Just wanting to put that out there.)
Now, during this whole waiting, I'm cramping. In particular, lower back cramps. So, sitting in a chair for hours is not conducive for comfort. Eventually, the woman at the admissions desk had them take me to the recovery area to at least get on the gown and lay down because I was not comfortable. We were in there for 2 more hours until we finally got called up to get ready for the procedure. I didn't get nervous until they started talking about how they were going to intubate me. And that scared the shit out of me. I mean, I knew I was going to be put out before they would do that. But still. The idea was scary. Before they took me to the OR, they gave me some medicine to help me relax, which kicked in immediately. The last thing I remember is the OR being cold, them putting more blankets on me and then they put the mask on my face and told me to breathe deep. It felt like a long nap and I was waking up in the recovery room.
Now, this is where it gets graphic. I start coughing because my throat is so dry from the intubation. And they had oxygen on me. And as soon as I start coughing, the blood was...I don't want to say gushing, but there was quite a bit. I think, at first, the nurses were concerned about the amount of blood that was coming out. But I expected this because I mean...I did just have a fetus removed from my uterus. After about 10 minutes, the amount of blood reduced. And now, it's very minimal, which I'm pretty happy about.
After I became more with it, I was moved to another recovery room where Sean was waiting for me. It was nice to see him. I can't even begin to explain my love for this man. But he's my rock. When I was in the hospital in 2011 overnight for a random stomach thing, he sat with me the whole time. And yesterday, he sat and waited patiently. And he didn't want to eat until I could. Although, once I got to the second recovery room, they gave me crackers and I tore those up like I hadn't seen food in days. They gave me apple juice, cranberry juice and ginger ale to drink. I don't like cranberry juice or ginger ale and I drank them anyway because I was so thirsty. I wasn't allowed to drink or anything after midnight and by the time I got to this room, it was around 2.
Side bar #2: Ever have a catheter? I didn't either until yesterday. It wasn't in when I woke up but apparently I had one in during surgery. The first pee you take after having that removed is painful. So, there's that.
We finally got to leave around 3. I felt pretty decent. I didn't feel too groggy, I could walk and I really wasn't cramping. Although, I was crampy immediately after the procedure and they gave me something through the IV for that. My only complaint is that I didn't really see the doctor much before the procedure. He came over, apologized for the delay and told me we would start soon. And really, I wasn't going to be snappy at the man who was about to be all up in my business. Plus at that point, I was just relieved to finally get this started. I can't explain to you how the waiting felt like torture. I mean, this whole experience has been incredibly traumatic. But waiting for hours just adds to that. And I didn't see him after the surgery. And he didn't talk to Sean in person about the surgery. He called him. Which...is sorta weird to me. But whatever. The doctor said all went well and that's what matters.
Of course as soon as we get in the car, I fell asleep. lol. The nurse did say I would be groggy for 24 hours or so. I also took a nap when I got home. Which is probably part of the reason I'm up at 5am but you know I'm gonna go back to sleep soon.
So, that was my experience. It's over. My little Bootsie is officially gone. Now that's left is the questions. Why did this happen? Was something wrong with the baby? Or is something going on with me that I need to explore? Was it a combination of the two? I'm grateful to live in the day in age where these questions can most likely be answered. I keep going back and forth between hoping it was just something with the baby and not me. And at times I kind of hope it was something with me that can be fixed. Did I eat something bad? Did I have some infection that didn't affect me but the baby? The results for the baby should be in sometime next month. And then in late March, early April we can start to test me for certain things, just to be sure. But I also know that I could be perfectly fine and so could the baby and it could have just been an unfortunate situation that happened. But at least I'll know either way.
Several of my friends have told me how strong and determined I am. And typically when I set a goal, I'll achieve it. Having the title of mommy is my next big goal (after graduation, of course). And as much pain as I am in now and how scared I am to even try again, I know these will pass. I'm more determined now than ever to have our baby. I know I meant to have babies and be a mom. I want this too much to think otherwise. I can't wait for this day. For the baby to have Sean's sense of humor, strong work ethic and good looks ;) To have my compassion for others, strong will and determination. Our baby will bring so much joy to not just Sean and me, but to our whole family. Our friends.
I'm still trying to find the reason for this pain. This situation. I know there has to be some reason. It may take years before I know. I now have 2 angel babies and no earth baby. Maybe my first baby was like its momma and didn't like to be alone so Bootsie had to go keep it company. I just hope that the next time I'm in the hospital, I'm giving birth to my healthy earth baby. And that my first baby and Bootsie will watch over it. Watch over each other, little ones. And know that although we never got to hold you, mommy & daddy still love you very much. Always will.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
On the second stage of grief: Anger
Anger.
Holy hell was I angry today.
I knew today was going to be bad. How could it not be? I had to meet with the doctor today to consult about the procedure.
I woke up realizing that I didn't have crazy dreams. As I had been for the last 4 months. It made this whole thing a little more real. I liked the dreams. It meant things were well, right? (Apparently not, but I digress). I'm usually a stomach sleeper and I still haven't felt comforable sleeping on my stomach yet. My baby is still there.
Anyway...
The first part of the day was fine. Sean and I grabbed lunch before heading to Philadelphia. But once we got in Philly, the anger started. We couldn't find the hospital parking lot, so we parked in another garage which was a little further away. Then, I had to go to the hospital for pre-surgery lab work and tests. We waited around a lot. While filling out the paperwork, I had to answer the question...
"Are you pregnant?"
I burst into tears. Then I started yelling at the paper. Because, that's reasonable, right? Anyway, I left that question blank. Once we finally got done with all of that, we had to walk to the doctor's office a few blocks away. And we sorta got lost. And my anger intensified. Poor Sean unfairly bared a good majority of my anger. Like it was his fault my phone was giving me stupid walking directions. I apologized, he understood.
We were in the waiting room for an hour and a half. Of course, the anger just kept rising. And with every pregnant woman I saw, my anger kept building and building. Who are they to just walk in front of me all pregnant? How dare they! I saw one pregnant woman frowning and I wanted to slap her face. Be happy...at least your baby is alive. Of course, I know these thoughts were completely irrational and unfair. But it was how I was feeling. And I'm allowed to feel what I feel.
Once we finally got called back, I was a complete bitch to the medical assistant. We had to wait another 30 minutes for the doctor, who immediately apologized for being behind. He also expressed how sorry he was that I had to go through this. My anger dropped a little.
He began explaining the procedure, how I would feel, etc. He said physically, I would be fine in a day. THEN. He said "But here..." and points to his heart "...that's what you have to work on." And I completely lost my shit. He highly encouraged me to see a grief counselor. Which, I had already planned to do. Because the early miscarriage I could handle. But this one is very different. I saw my baby wave. I'll never get to hold this baby. That's a level of grief I can't even begin to express. And even if I could find the words, only someone who has been through this can really understand that level of grief.
Our little Bootsie is going to be buried. The hospital has this as a program, at no cost to us. I'm hoping this will help with my grief. It makes me feel better knowing this. Bootsie will be at peace and I know that some day, I will be too.
My anger is going to keep popping up for a while. And I just need to accept this.Anger is not an emotion that I tend to feel. I mean, sure. I get annoyed. Irritated. Never angry, though. I don't like that I feel this, but I'm allowing myself to feel it. I'm not going to fake my way through this.
I'm angry that I feel inadequate as a woman. I mean, you're supposed to be able to bare children, right? You're just supposed to have sex, get pregnant, have the baby. Not have super long cycles, not ovulate, use medicine to get pregnant. Have 2 miscarriages in 5 months. It's basically a kick in my proverbial nuts.
I'm angry that there are still so many unanswered questions. The biggest, of course, being why? On the flip, I'm grateful that this won't always be the case. The results for the baby will be back in a month. Then in 2 months, the testing on me will start.
I'm angry that my mom is angry. I vented to her today and she said that she was feeling anger too. That just sucks.
By the time I write again, the procedure will be over. My baby will be gone. And then healing can begin.
Holy hell was I angry today.
I knew today was going to be bad. How could it not be? I had to meet with the doctor today to consult about the procedure.
I woke up realizing that I didn't have crazy dreams. As I had been for the last 4 months. It made this whole thing a little more real. I liked the dreams. It meant things were well, right? (Apparently not, but I digress). I'm usually a stomach sleeper and I still haven't felt comforable sleeping on my stomach yet. My baby is still there.
Anyway...
The first part of the day was fine. Sean and I grabbed lunch before heading to Philadelphia. But once we got in Philly, the anger started. We couldn't find the hospital parking lot, so we parked in another garage which was a little further away. Then, I had to go to the hospital for pre-surgery lab work and tests. We waited around a lot. While filling out the paperwork, I had to answer the question...
"Are you pregnant?"
I burst into tears. Then I started yelling at the paper. Because, that's reasonable, right? Anyway, I left that question blank. Once we finally got done with all of that, we had to walk to the doctor's office a few blocks away. And we sorta got lost. And my anger intensified. Poor Sean unfairly bared a good majority of my anger. Like it was his fault my phone was giving me stupid walking directions. I apologized, he understood.
We were in the waiting room for an hour and a half. Of course, the anger just kept rising. And with every pregnant woman I saw, my anger kept building and building. Who are they to just walk in front of me all pregnant? How dare they! I saw one pregnant woman frowning and I wanted to slap her face. Be happy...at least your baby is alive. Of course, I know these thoughts were completely irrational and unfair. But it was how I was feeling. And I'm allowed to feel what I feel.
Once we finally got called back, I was a complete bitch to the medical assistant. We had to wait another 30 minutes for the doctor, who immediately apologized for being behind. He also expressed how sorry he was that I had to go through this. My anger dropped a little.
He began explaining the procedure, how I would feel, etc. He said physically, I would be fine in a day. THEN. He said "But here..." and points to his heart "...that's what you have to work on." And I completely lost my shit. He highly encouraged me to see a grief counselor. Which, I had already planned to do. Because the early miscarriage I could handle. But this one is very different. I saw my baby wave. I'll never get to hold this baby. That's a level of grief I can't even begin to express. And even if I could find the words, only someone who has been through this can really understand that level of grief.
Our little Bootsie is going to be buried. The hospital has this as a program, at no cost to us. I'm hoping this will help with my grief. It makes me feel better knowing this. Bootsie will be at peace and I know that some day, I will be too.
My anger is going to keep popping up for a while. And I just need to accept this.Anger is not an emotion that I tend to feel. I mean, sure. I get annoyed. Irritated. Never angry, though. I don't like that I feel this, but I'm allowing myself to feel it. I'm not going to fake my way through this.
I'm angry that I feel inadequate as a woman. I mean, you're supposed to be able to bare children, right? You're just supposed to have sex, get pregnant, have the baby. Not have super long cycles, not ovulate, use medicine to get pregnant. Have 2 miscarriages in 5 months. It's basically a kick in my proverbial nuts.
I'm angry that there are still so many unanswered questions. The biggest, of course, being why? On the flip, I'm grateful that this won't always be the case. The results for the baby will be back in a month. Then in 2 months, the testing on me will start.
I'm angry that my mom is angry. I vented to her today and she said that she was feeling anger too. That just sucks.
By the time I write again, the procedure will be over. My baby will be gone. And then healing can begin.
Seeing the light through the darkness
I received a tremendous amount of support, kind words, outreach and prayers yesterday. It seems that in times of darkness, you really find out who cares about you. I received messages & texts all day. I know that a lot of people were hesitant about reaching out to me. I mean, what can anyone say during a situation like this? Hell, I don't even know what to say. But, just taking the time out to tell me your sorry is more than enough. It really means so much to me that people did this.
I'm incredibly blessed that I have so many great friends in my life. Even the people I haven't known that long -- particularly, my NJ peeps -- made me feel so loved. I wish that we could have more time together. I've enjoyed the time I've spent with the friends I've made here. I hope that we are able to keep in touch after graduation and after we make our move back home. But, that is what facebook is for. :-) I had classmates reach out to me to ask me if I needed anything. Not just in terms of school work, but anything. You guys have no idea how much reaching out to me right now has meant. We have no family here, so knowing that people actually do care about me here has been tremendous.
I have a group of friends -- some of who I have never met -- that care so much about me. I've been apart of a group of people for many years now. They've seen me through a lot. I've known them for 10 years. They saw me through my successes and some of my prior dark times. I know I'll have you all in my life forever, and hope to some day finally meet all of you.
Of course, my friends from back home have reached out. And it just solidifies the fact that I need to be near you. I miss you all. More than I realized. It really makes me realize that my plan to reconnect with so many of you is important. And it's going to happen. I have a lot of good people in my life and because of your lives, my life...some of us have grown apart. Sure, we keep in touch on facebook. Or have an occasional text conversation. But, it's not the same. We're going to fix that.
Of course, not all of my friends are neglected. My closest friends (and you know who you are)...you know I love you guys. You're like family to me. I know you're here for me in the dark times. And I know that you'll celebrate with us when we do have our baby. I think back to how we all came to be friends and at the time, did not realize how much impact you would have on my life. But now, I can't imagine my life without you all.
Of course, I have dates coming up that will be hard. February 25th was going to be the day we were going to find out the gender. My baby shower was going to be in early June. My due date will be especially hard. But, I feel better knowing that I have not only the support of Sean, but all of my friends, to get through these dates.
"People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
I'm incredibly blessed that I have so many great friends in my life. Even the people I haven't known that long -- particularly, my NJ peeps -- made me feel so loved. I wish that we could have more time together. I've enjoyed the time I've spent with the friends I've made here. I hope that we are able to keep in touch after graduation and after we make our move back home. But, that is what facebook is for. :-) I had classmates reach out to me to ask me if I needed anything. Not just in terms of school work, but anything. You guys have no idea how much reaching out to me right now has meant. We have no family here, so knowing that people actually do care about me here has been tremendous.
I have a group of friends -- some of who I have never met -- that care so much about me. I've been apart of a group of people for many years now. They've seen me through a lot. I've known them for 10 years. They saw me through my successes and some of my prior dark times. I know I'll have you all in my life forever, and hope to some day finally meet all of you.
Of course, my friends from back home have reached out. And it just solidifies the fact that I need to be near you. I miss you all. More than I realized. It really makes me realize that my plan to reconnect with so many of you is important. And it's going to happen. I have a lot of good people in my life and because of your lives, my life...some of us have grown apart. Sure, we keep in touch on facebook. Or have an occasional text conversation. But, it's not the same. We're going to fix that.
Of course, not all of my friends are neglected. My closest friends (and you know who you are)...you know I love you guys. You're like family to me. I know you're here for me in the dark times. And I know that you'll celebrate with us when we do have our baby. I think back to how we all came to be friends and at the time, did not realize how much impact you would have on my life. But now, I can't imagine my life without you all.
Of course, I have dates coming up that will be hard. February 25th was going to be the day we were going to find out the gender. My baby shower was going to be in early June. My due date will be especially hard. But, I feel better knowing that I have not only the support of Sean, but all of my friends, to get through these dates.
"People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
What's left?
After receiving the devastating news yesterday, the only thing that's left are the emotions.
I woke up crying this morning. I was thinking back to our 12 week ultrasound when we saw Bootsie waving. Moving around. Being an active little baby.
And now I'm trying to process the fact that my once active baby is gone. I've had a dead baby inside of me for 3 weeks and I had no idea. Since I know now, it's been even more tough to think about the fact that I have to have it in me for 2 more days.
We have so many unanswered questions. It'll be at least 2 months before we know anything and that's tough. But at least we'll have some answers before we move home and get back on the makin' a baby train. The toughest part of the results will be when they tell us whether we were going to have a boy or girl. I want to know this. But I also know that it's going to be the toughest result to know, regardless of what the other results are.
Of course the ultimate emotion is hearbreak. I'm not going to be able to have late night/early morning feedings with Bootsie. I won't be able to kiss his/her boo-boos. I won't be able to see Bootsie off to their first day of school.The plans that Sean and I were making for this baby will never be realized. The baby registry we started won't get used. The shower we were planning isn't happening. And the love and joy that Bootsie would have brought to our lives will never be. It already had brought us so much joy and excitement. All of this and much more is why my heart is completely shattered. And I know Sean's heart is shattered too.
I'm hearbroken for me. For Sean. We were so excited to be parents. I was so excited to make Sean a daddy. He's going to be an amazing father. I just really thought that Bootsie was it. I'm heartbroken for my mom. I put off calling her for hours yesterday because I knew the news would break her heart too. She wants to be a grandmother so bad, and was so excited for Bootsie. She was even planning to start buying baby stuff soon to keep at her house. Now, she has to wait even longer for her dream of becoming a grandmother to come true.
I'm also angry that this happened to me. Again. I mean...2 miscarriages in 5 months? Why? I consider myself a pretty strong and emotionally sound person. But I am not handling this well. I've cried 3 times already today and it's only 12:30.
I'm angry that I have to spend Valentine's Day in Philadelphia getting pre-surgery lab work. I'm angry we have to spend Valentine's Day consulting with a doctor to talk about the procedure. I'm angry that we have to start the process all over again. I'm angry that I'm heartbroken. And I'm angry that I'm angry.
After we met with the doctor yesterday, they gave us a book called "Empty Arms." Which also made me angry. I mean...I get it. But I am no where near ready to read that book. Or even look at it.
I had so much love for this baby. I wanted this baby more than anything.
I have no idea how I will feel emotionally after the procedure. I'm hoping I can get back to life next week. Or at least fake my way through it. But whatever happens, I know I have the very best husband. The very best partner, to get through it with. The years that we've been married have not been easy on us. Life has decided to throw us a ton of curve balls. But, it's only made our bond that much stronger. At this point, we can and will get through anything. I just hope that soon, life decides to give us some good stuff too.
I woke up crying this morning. I was thinking back to our 12 week ultrasound when we saw Bootsie waving. Moving around. Being an active little baby.
And now I'm trying to process the fact that my once active baby is gone. I've had a dead baby inside of me for 3 weeks and I had no idea. Since I know now, it's been even more tough to think about the fact that I have to have it in me for 2 more days.
We have so many unanswered questions. It'll be at least 2 months before we know anything and that's tough. But at least we'll have some answers before we move home and get back on the makin' a baby train. The toughest part of the results will be when they tell us whether we were going to have a boy or girl. I want to know this. But I also know that it's going to be the toughest result to know, regardless of what the other results are.
Of course the ultimate emotion is hearbreak. I'm not going to be able to have late night/early morning feedings with Bootsie. I won't be able to kiss his/her boo-boos. I won't be able to see Bootsie off to their first day of school.The plans that Sean and I were making for this baby will never be realized. The baby registry we started won't get used. The shower we were planning isn't happening. And the love and joy that Bootsie would have brought to our lives will never be. It already had brought us so much joy and excitement. All of this and much more is why my heart is completely shattered. And I know Sean's heart is shattered too.
I'm hearbroken for me. For Sean. We were so excited to be parents. I was so excited to make Sean a daddy. He's going to be an amazing father. I just really thought that Bootsie was it. I'm heartbroken for my mom. I put off calling her for hours yesterday because I knew the news would break her heart too. She wants to be a grandmother so bad, and was so excited for Bootsie. She was even planning to start buying baby stuff soon to keep at her house. Now, she has to wait even longer for her dream of becoming a grandmother to come true.
I'm also angry that this happened to me. Again. I mean...2 miscarriages in 5 months? Why? I consider myself a pretty strong and emotionally sound person. But I am not handling this well. I've cried 3 times already today and it's only 12:30.
I'm angry that I have to spend Valentine's Day in Philadelphia getting pre-surgery lab work. I'm angry we have to spend Valentine's Day consulting with a doctor to talk about the procedure. I'm angry that we have to start the process all over again. I'm angry that I'm heartbroken. And I'm angry that I'm angry.
After we met with the doctor yesterday, they gave us a book called "Empty Arms." Which also made me angry. I mean...I get it. But I am no where near ready to read that book. Or even look at it.
I had so much love for this baby. I wanted this baby more than anything.
I have no idea how I will feel emotionally after the procedure. I'm hoping I can get back to life next week. Or at least fake my way through it. But whatever happens, I know I have the very best husband. The very best partner, to get through it with. The years that we've been married have not been easy on us. Life has decided to throw us a ton of curve balls. But, it's only made our bond that much stronger. At this point, we can and will get through anything. I just hope that soon, life decides to give us some good stuff too.
Sleep well, my little Bootsie
Tuesday was probably the worst day of my life. And that's not an exaggeration, by any means.
The previous weekend, I kept having bad thoughts. Like, something was wrong with my baby. Or something was going to go wrong. I chalked it up to just being ultra paranoid, based on how my first pregnancy went. When I kept having these thoughts on Monday, I knew I had to go to the doctor the next day just to receive peace of mind. At least, that is what I was hoping for.
At the appointment, the doctor could not find the baby's heartbeat with the doppler. She got an ultrasound machine and couldn't tell if the baby had a heartbeat or not, since their machine is kinda crappy. She did say she was concerned because she was pushing on my stomach to try to get the baby to move and it wasn't. She sent me to the hospital to get a better ultrasound.
I picked up Sean on the way. This was the one appointment he didn't go to because we both figured it was me just being a hot mess. We both thought everything would be fine. Hell, we had plans to get lunch after.
Once we got to the hospital and in an ultrasound room, my worst fears were realized. I was 18 weeks 2 days on Tuesday. As soon as the tech did the first measurement, I knew the baby was gone. The baby was measuring 15 weeks 3 days. My baby died 3 weeks before. I started crying immediately. The tech also said nothing while she was measuring, which I also knew was bad. As soon as she confirmed what I already knew, Sean grabbed me and we cried together.
We consulted with the doctor and he explained the most likely reasons as to why this happened. But we won't know for sure for another 6-8 weeks, after the tests come back. I'm having the procedure (known as a d&e) on Friday to remove the baby. About 8 weeks after the procedure, they'll do some testing on me to see if I have any issues that could have caused it (like a clotting problem).
Now all I'm left with are the emotions. The questions. The what-ifs. The whys.
I love you, my little Bootsie. Sleep well.
(Just as a side bar...if you're going to comment. There are certain things that I do not want to see right now:
1. I don't need anyone to explain to me that miscarriages usually happen because something was wrong with the baby and all that. I'm very aware of that. I don't need you to tell me that right now.
2. "Everything happens for a reason" I certainly do not want to hear. Because while I generally believe that is true, my heart is too broken to even process that right now.
Thanks. )
The previous weekend, I kept having bad thoughts. Like, something was wrong with my baby. Or something was going to go wrong. I chalked it up to just being ultra paranoid, based on how my first pregnancy went. When I kept having these thoughts on Monday, I knew I had to go to the doctor the next day just to receive peace of mind. At least, that is what I was hoping for.
At the appointment, the doctor could not find the baby's heartbeat with the doppler. She got an ultrasound machine and couldn't tell if the baby had a heartbeat or not, since their machine is kinda crappy. She did say she was concerned because she was pushing on my stomach to try to get the baby to move and it wasn't. She sent me to the hospital to get a better ultrasound.
I picked up Sean on the way. This was the one appointment he didn't go to because we both figured it was me just being a hot mess. We both thought everything would be fine. Hell, we had plans to get lunch after.
Once we got to the hospital and in an ultrasound room, my worst fears were realized. I was 18 weeks 2 days on Tuesday. As soon as the tech did the first measurement, I knew the baby was gone. The baby was measuring 15 weeks 3 days. My baby died 3 weeks before. I started crying immediately. The tech also said nothing while she was measuring, which I also knew was bad. As soon as she confirmed what I already knew, Sean grabbed me and we cried together.
We consulted with the doctor and he explained the most likely reasons as to why this happened. But we won't know for sure for another 6-8 weeks, after the tests come back. I'm having the procedure (known as a d&e) on Friday to remove the baby. About 8 weeks after the procedure, they'll do some testing on me to see if I have any issues that could have caused it (like a clotting problem).
Now all I'm left with are the emotions. The questions. The what-ifs. The whys.
I love you, my little Bootsie. Sleep well.
(Just as a side bar...if you're going to comment. There are certain things that I do not want to see right now:
1. I don't need anyone to explain to me that miscarriages usually happen because something was wrong with the baby and all that. I'm very aware of that. I don't need you to tell me that right now.
2. "Everything happens for a reason" I certainly do not want to hear. Because while I generally believe that is true, my heart is too broken to even process that right now.
Thanks. )
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