Daughter

We would have had a daughter.

The tests came back today. Our daughter had an extra chromosome on 21, which indicates Down's Syndrome.

I kept my cool while I was on the phone with the doctor. He explained that this is just something random that happens and it has no impact on future risks. We don't have a higher chance of having a Down's Syndrome baby.

As soon as I got off the phone, however, I completely lost it. Knowing the gender made this whole thing so much more real.

Then I was left with processing the rest of the information. Down's Syndrome. The doctor that confirmed our baby was gone told us that 50% of Down Syndrome babies die in utero. He explained that that was most likely the reason. So, it's not like this news was unexpected. But, it still a hell of a lot to take in.

We would have loved her no matter what. My love for her was already so strong in just the short amount of time I got to carry her.

But now I'm going to say the thing you aren't supposed to say: part of me is relieved that she didn't have to struggle.

Her life would have been challenging. I know that of all the cognitive disabilities, Down's is probably the most...optimistic? Is that the right word? But, it still wouldn't have been easy for her. Kids are mean. People are mean. People make fun of people. As someone who was  made fun up for the majority of my childhood, I wouldn't have wanted that for my child. And my fear for her would have been just that. I know that I can't control other people. I know that my earth baby could be perfectly healthy and still get made fun of. I'm aware of all of that.

I feel guilty saying this. Especially as a social worker. MR/DD is one of my passion fields, too. Which I guess is why I am aware of the challenges. But I tell you what. Had she come here, I would have been an (even more) bad ass advocate for that population. Maybe I still will.

All of that being said...I still wanted her very much. I DO still want her. I wish she was still in my belly growing. But she's not, and while I accept it, I still struggle with it every single day.

I know they say you don't get more than you can handle. I know I'm a strong woman. Sean and I are a strong couple. But obviously, us having to go through this was what we could handle and not having a baby with special needs. At least not right now. And I have to make peace with that.

I'll always love you, my little girl.