The Nightmare Doesn't End There...

I went in for my 3D ultrasound today. First, I had to have saline injected in my uterus, which was so much fun, you guys. Then the ultrasound started. During the ultrasound, the doc thought I might have a "partial septate" but wasn't 100% sure. So, she said she was going to look at the pictures with the specialist I was seeing and call me.

A few hours went by and I finally heard from her. So, they don't think I have a septate. But I do, apparently, have "quite a few" polyps in my uterus that are a pretty good size. That indicates they've been there for a while. I also have a scar tissue situation, which she thinks may have been from the procedure last month, but it's hard to tell. So, I need to have a procedure called a hysteroscopy done to remove all of that business. They also will verify whether or not I have a septate. If I do, it will be removed at that time. It's an outpatient procedure, but I do have to go under general anesthesia again, which I'm not thrilled about.

From my own research, I've found that having multiple polyps can make you a higher risk for miscarriage. So yeah. Now of course I'm left with the question of whether it was actually the chromosomal problem or the uterus. I'll never know. But I'm glad I know now and am fixing it.

I feel so broken. I feel frustrated. At times I want off the roller coaster. But...I'll keep riding the roller coaster. Going with the twists and turns. Because I've never wanted something so bad in my life. I know in the end when I'm holding our baby it's going to be so worth it.

(Just please let the end of the ride be near...)

They're Always With Me & My Quest for Answers

I wanted something to wear to always have my two angel babies with me. I bought this charm bracelet:

 

 

The card I got with it explains what the bracelet means:

 

"Life" - with a crystal in the color of the month that you baby was conceived, and a new life entered yours.

 

"Butterfly" - with a crystal in the color of the month your baby passed away, and was free to fly like a beautiful, carefree butterfly.

 

"Wish" - with a crystal in the color of the month that you baby was originally due, when you hoped and wished your baby would be in your arms.

 

This bracelet not only memorizes Bootsie, but our first baby that was gone too soon. 

 

This week hasn't been easy. I'm still getting people asking how my baby is, and so I've been explaining that more than I'd like. I think at this point, though, most people who knew I was pregnant also know I am no longer pregnant. So, I think those questions will stop. I'm still struggling with the news of why our baby passed. I kind of feel like as a social worker, I should be able to handle this sort of news better. Like, I advocate for those that are disabled, disenfranchised, etc. So I feel sort of like a hypocrite feeling some relief that our child didn't have to live a more challenging life. I've been trying to process these feelings with my supervisor and other fellow social workers. And they've all essentially said the same thing: You're a human first. Being a social worker doesn't protect you from feeling your feelings. It hits so much harder when it's so close to home.

But, while we have the answer that more than likely Trisomy 21 is the reason we lost our little girl, I'm not totally satisfied with it. And my doctor has been very understanding and sensitive to this. I'm very appreciative of that. So, on Thursday, I'm having a 3D ultrasound (essentially) of my uterus to rule out any further abnormalities. When we first started the fertility testing, it was discovered that my uterus was Y shaped. At the time, the doctor didn't feel it was necessary to do any further testing. But, one cause of a Y shaped uterus is called a "septate." This is essentially where you have a septum that can usually be removed. Or, my uterus may just be shaped funny and that's something I have to deal with. But, I need to know for sure. Because if something can be fixed, I want it fixed.

Sean had his blood drawn Tuesday for the genetic testing. In 3 weeks, I'll be having bloodwork drawn to (hopefully) rule out a clotting problem and I will also have genetic testing done at that time, to (hopefully) rule out anything that I need to be aware of. Most of the time with Trisomy 21, it's just a random error and has nothing to do with the parent's genetics. But again, I'm wanting to get any and all tests I can get done at this point. I'll feel better knowing that when we start trying again this summer, we'll be armed with all of the information we need. I feel good about it all. I just wish I could be ignorant to what COULD go wrong with pregnancy. But, we're well past that point and I'll definitely need to continue therapy once I'm pregnant again.

I've also reached the point where I am officially uncomfortable with my weight. So, time to get serious again. Gotta get my body as ready as possible for our next little one. I'm starting to get get to the point of getting antsy to want to try again. The timing isn't good just yet -- I need to finish this master's and get the hell out of New Jersey. I graduate in 51 days and we leave NJ in 55 days. So close I can almost reach it.

Anger, part deux

Oh, Hi Anger. So nice of you to come back.

I went to the doctor today for a one month post-procedure appointment. I had been doing pretty well until yesterday, so I thought going to the doctor would be no big thing.

Wrong.

As soon as we walked in and sat down, I started to tear up. The last time I was at that office was the day we found out she was gone. Luckily, Sean came with me today, so I wasn't just sobbing alone. Of course, there was a baby there. And of course, a pregnant lady came in after me and sat DIRECTLY across from me. I couldn't look at her. I looked at the floor, ceiling...anything but her. When I finally got called back, it got worse. The crying just started and it took a while to stop.

The doctor came in and explained to us again that this is usually just a random thing that happens. Of course, I still think it was me. Bad eggs? Bad genes? Of course! All me. Deep down the logical part of me is still there and I know that this isn't the case. But I'm not really that logical right now.

I'm happy to have a sort-of answer. I mean, there are women who carry babies who have Down's Syndrome to term all the time. So, while Trisomy 21 is probably the cause of the loss, there's still a lot of questions. Because of this, in a month, I'm going to be tested to rule out clotting problems. Sean and I are also going to be tested genetically to make sure we aren't carriers of anything that could cause Down's Syndrome or any other chromosomal abnormality. Sean was tested today. I'll be tested in a month for these, plus the clotting issue.

So, we still wait.

But because of all of this information, my anger is definitely starting to come back up today. While I was waiting for Sean to get his blood drawn today, I really started to stew.

Not only do we need medicine to get pregnant..
Not only do I have to get vaginal ultrasound and tons of blood work to get pregnant...
Not only have we had 2 miscarriages..
Now, we are doing genetic testing.

Something that should be a joyous event is turning into a frustrating process. At this point, when I do get pregnant, I'm not going to be a smiley, glowy pregnant woman. I'm going to be terrified the whole time. I'm going to be on edge. I probably won't tell anyone outside of immediately family and very close friends until I'm at least 20 weeks or more. And buying things for the baby will probably wait too.

Despite all of this, though, I'm not giving up. This isn't the first struggle of my life. When I want something, I don't give up until I get it. The best things in life are worth waiting for. Worth fighting for. We will have our baby.

Daughter

We would have had a daughter.

The tests came back today. Our daughter had an extra chromosome on 21, which indicates Down's Syndrome.

I kept my cool while I was on the phone with the doctor. He explained that this is just something random that happens and it has no impact on future risks. We don't have a higher chance of having a Down's Syndrome baby.

As soon as I got off the phone, however, I completely lost it. Knowing the gender made this whole thing so much more real.

Then I was left with processing the rest of the information. Down's Syndrome. The doctor that confirmed our baby was gone told us that 50% of Down Syndrome babies die in utero. He explained that that was most likely the reason. So, it's not like this news was unexpected. But, it still a hell of a lot to take in.

We would have loved her no matter what. My love for her was already so strong in just the short amount of time I got to carry her.

But now I'm going to say the thing you aren't supposed to say: part of me is relieved that she didn't have to struggle.

Her life would have been challenging. I know that of all the cognitive disabilities, Down's is probably the most...optimistic? Is that the right word? But, it still wouldn't have been easy for her. Kids are mean. People are mean. People make fun of people. As someone who was  made fun up for the majority of my childhood, I wouldn't have wanted that for my child. And my fear for her would have been just that. I know that I can't control other people. I know that my earth baby could be perfectly healthy and still get made fun of. I'm aware of all of that.

I feel guilty saying this. Especially as a social worker. MR/DD is one of my passion fields, too. Which I guess is why I am aware of the challenges. But I tell you what. Had she come here, I would have been an (even more) bad ass advocate for that population. Maybe I still will.

All of that being said...I still wanted her very much. I DO still want her. I wish she was still in my belly growing. But she's not, and while I accept it, I still struggle with it every single day.

I know they say you don't get more than you can handle. I know I'm a strong woman. Sean and I are a strong couple. But obviously, us having to go through this was what we could handle and not having a baby with special needs. At least not right now. And I have to make peace with that.

I'll always love you, my little girl.

One Month

It's been one month since we found out our little Bootsie was gone.

At first, the time was going by so slowly. Recently, I feel like it's been forever. It's been a weird month.

I've been trying to keep busy. Keep my mind occupied. But almost everything I do reminds me of Bootsie. Sean and I just got home from a trip to DC. Things were going well until we visited the Smithsonian. I was doing fine. There were a lot of babies and kids there and I was feeling ok. Then...we went into a skeleton exhibit. And they had a baby's skeleton. And I lost it. Like...cried in the Smithsonian.

To say it's been rough is an understatement. Especially considering the tremendous amount of people I know who are pregnant right now. I try really hard to keep my jealousy under control. Some days are better than others. I know that I'll have my baby soon and I'll be that happy pregnant person who has a healthy baby growing inside of them. Obviously, the timing isn't right now.

I've never been so sad in my life. I can't really describe it. I can fake my way through a day. Most people don't even realize the depth of my sadness. But my mind is not a pretty place to be right now. I've been trying to do things to grieve. We did the star thing. I've been doing counseling. We went to a support group. But damn. My sadness is still the front runner of emotions.

I feel bad for saying this...but I'm tired of being sad. I miss my baby so much. I wish I didn't have to miss my baby. I wish my baby was still growing inside of me. I still can't bring myself to take the ultrasound pics off the fridge. It doesn't seem fair that I have to experience this pain.

I've been really trying to focus on all of the positives in my life. I feel bad when I start to get sad and ask the "Why me?" questions. I know I'm allowed to feel what I feel. But damn. I have so much to be thankful for. Why can't I focus on that? Why am I letting this one thing (albeit, a HUGE thing) get me so damn sad? I have such an emptiness, a void, that only my baby can fill.

I know that we're meant to have our child. Why else would this loss be affecting me so much if that weren't the case? I honestly didn't realize how badly I want a child until Bootsie was gone. I'm going to fight for this. For our baby. For our family. When I want something, I don't give up. When I set my mind to something, I make it happen. So, it will happen. Sean and I are more determined now to have our baby.

We still don't have answers. We're still waiting on the test results to come back. I have an appointment next week with my doctor to follow up on testing on me. I want answers. I need answers. But until we have them. I wait. I try to keep occupied. Fake my way through days. Hoping that the next day will be the day I don't have to fake it anymore... I'm exhausted.

On being nice to myself...

This past week I only cried once. But, it was in a room full of strangers.

On Monday, Sean and I went to our first miscarriage support group. There was one other couple there, along with a woman who did not come with her husband. It was...nice...to be in a room of people who knew exactly what we were feeling. Even the facilitator had been in the situation. I shared our story and started crying immediately. But, they let me take my time, let me cry and listened. It didn't make them uncomfortable to hear our story. I was able to talk about my anger, my fears.

As good at it made me feel to share, listened to the other stories scared me. They had all had much later losses (37w and 41w). It made me incredibly sad for them, and almost...guilty? I mean, their babies would have been viable outside of the womb, whereas little Bootsie wouldn't have been. But I know that deep down, they weren't minimizing my loss. Just because my loss was different doesn't make it any less painful.

The next day, I had my second counseling session. And a lot of my other bullshit started to come out. She's starting to peel me like an onion. Which is good because I know I have unresolved issues that pop up. My anxiety, for one. It's out of control, especially lately. I'm able to control it in public, at school and appear calm. But my mind is a hot mess a lot of the time. So, bottom line...I'm glad I'm going.

One of the issues that I talked about was the fact that I am very critical of myself. It's very hard for me to accept compliments. I know a lot of that stems from the years of bullying I endured. But I'm almost 30, people. That shit shouldn't still be affecting me. But it does. And I hate that it does. But I'm going to work through it. My counselor basically said that I need to learn how to be nice to myself.

It's been three weeks since my procedure. Within the next week or two, we should be getting the results back from the baby. I'm ready to know. I have my appointment with my OB/GYN week after next. I'm ready to get the testing started on me too. I'm getting to a place where I'm getting comfortable with trying again. Although, we don't plan to do another round of medicine until after we move. The next 8 weeks or so are going to be crazy busy, with me finishing up school (forever!) and my internship. We're moving in 10 weeks. Once we get settled, we'll be in full baby-makin' mode.

Until then, I'm just gonna keep focusing on me, my health, school and my marriage. Sean and I are taking a little trip to D.C. this weekend for a few days. We need to get away. It'll be nice to do this...do a little sight seeing. Once we get back, I'll have to be back in school mode, as I have a million things due the following week.

Ready for this New Jersey chapter to be over. Can't wait for the new one to start. I feel like good things are coming our way...

On how faking it can only last so long...

This past week started off rocky. I had my daily cry, as I had been for 2 weeks. Then Wednesday and Thursday weren't bad. In fact, I was able to talk about the situation without crying. I was feeling better.

Then Friday happened. Sean and I went grocery shopping. And to me, it felt like everyone had a baby with them. I kept trying to fake my way through it...how it was no big deal. Then I blew up at Sean over cake mix.

CAKE MIX, PEOPLE.

Then I completely lost my shit.

You guys...my heart is still in a million pieces. I'm pissed off that I'm considering buying a memorial bracelet for my angel babies. I'm pissed off that I'm not shopping for nursery furniture and baby clothes. I'm pissed off that I'm in so much pain. I'm pissed off that I'm so sad all the time. I'm pissed off that I have to fake being ok.

This is exactly why I needed to take a month off from life. But I know that's not possible. I have to finish grad school. Sean and I have to get the hell out of this state. So, in order to get done what I have to get done, I'm like a robot in public. I smile, I make conversation. I act like I'm ok with this situation. But clearly, I'm not. But no one actually wants to hear about my pain, aside from my counselor, Sean and (hopefully) the support group.

I feel like this whole thing would be a million times easier if we were back home. I'd have my family. I'd have my friends. I'd have a lot of distractions. I'm trying to keep myself busy here but  obviously it's not working.

I'm really trying to control my anger and jealousy, especially toward other happily pregnant women. Because I know I'll be one of them soon. So... I'm just trying to think about that when I start feeling this way.

I've been completely down on myself lately. I put myself down...pretty much as often as I can. Is this helpful? No. Because I think I deserve it, because I often think that this happened because of something I did, or didn't do. Since we're still in the waiting period, this is all I can think. So, I've been taking it out on myself. Like hardcore. I'm reverting to my 16 year old self...when I put myself down all the time. Because I had zero self esteem back then.

Sean's been my rock through this whole thing. He keeps saying how he hates seeing me like this and wishes there was something he could do for me. I wish there was something to do for me. I wish something could take this pain away. I want to feel like myself again. I want to feel happy. Basically, I just want to not feel like shit anymore. And I know at this point, only time can really do that.

I do have two books on making sense of this situation. Maybe if I try to intellectualize this, it will help. So, I may try soon. We'll see. Tomorrow is our first support group meeting, which I hope will be helpful.

So...hopefully I won't have to fake it much more. Hopefully soon I'll start to feel like myself again. Hopefully we'll have answers soon.

Progress

"Did you find out what you're having yet?"

"I have a lot of respect for you because you're finishing the program and you're pregnant. How is that going?"

These are two questions I had to answer this week. And I was able to talk about it without crying. Also, yesterday was the first day since we found out that I didn't cry. So, I've made progress.

Don't get me wrong. My heart is still in a million pieces. I still have days where I'm incredibly sad. I'm still experiencing the anger. I can't really look at pictures my friends are posting of their kids. But, one step at a time.

Since we are still in the waiting period of finding out why this happened and because we haven't gotten the all clear for trying again yet, I'm trying to refocus my energy on three things:

1. School

2. Exercise

3. Job Hunting

I only have 8 weeks of class left. By the way, 8 weeks of class left for school FOREVER. I'm done after this. A Master's Degree is all I'll ever need. So, yeah. D-U-N. The majority of my schoolwork this semester is group work. So, I'm just trying to be a good group member and get things done. Plus. You guys. I'm so ready to graduate. You remember in high school getting senioritis? Yeah, it's like that, except 100 times worse.

I gained probably 10-15 lbs during my pregnancy. Which I'm now trying to lose. I'm hoping to be pregnant again in a few months and I need to get my body as healthy as possible for that. Plus, exercise does make me feel good. So, I've been getting back into running. Sean and I are signed up for a 5 mile race in April. So, I have 2 months to get ready for that. Not that I think I'll necessarily be ready for a 5 mile run, but I bet I can run a little more than half of that. I've also been thinking about joining Weight Watchers again to help with the weight loss. I've been watching what I'm eating, measuring portions, etc. My goal is to lose at least 10 pounds before graduation. I think I can do it.

Now that plans have changed, I'm on the job track. I've updated my resume, I've drafted a cover letter. I plan to send my resume to as many places in Columbia as possible. I've decided to wait until I get home to take the social work license test. I think it'll just be so much easier than way. But, I am taking a class this month to prepare for the test. I do miss working and I can't wait to have a job again. Although obviously, I'd much rather have Bootsie and put off working until the fall.

Next week, Sean and I are going to a support group. I'm really looking forward to that. I'm really looking forward to talking to a group of people who actually KNOW what we're going through. I also see my counselor again next week. I'm taking care of myself the best I can to heal my mind, spirit and heart. This certainly hasn't been easy, but I know that I'm handling it the best I can. I know I'll be ok. And I really feel like the next baby will be ours to take home.