7/14/13

7/14/13 will be the day my life changes forever. For the better.

It's my due date.

It's another one of the reason's I've been pretty quiet on the blog. I've sort of made this blog about every aspect of my life, and I just wasn't ready to talk about it yet. I got the positive test on November 3rd. As someone who generally has a very small filter and shares a lot of aspects of my life, it was very very hard NOT to talk about it. But after what happened the last time, I kept my mouth shut. And that was hard.

We told very very few people at first - a few family members and a few close friends. As my pregnancy progressed and we reached mile stones (saw the heartbeat, etc) we began to tell more people. And now I'm telling the world! Baby Ford is coming! And we couldn't be more excited.

We had our 12 week ultrasound today. The heartbeat was measuring at 168bpm which is really good. The tech  was able to get the measurements she needed before the baby woke up and started moving around like crazy. It even waved its little arms and I cried. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, and I seriously cannot wait for this baby. I'm already so in love.

I've been pretty lucky as far as symptoms - my major one is fatigue. I get tired very easily and usually have to be in bed by 9. Some days even earlier. I got occasional nausea but I haven't thrown up (yet). I think  my body is handling the pregnancy pretty well, which I think is a good sign.

So now, pictures!!

This is our first ultrasound at 6w4d. We first saw the heartbeat on this day!

8w5d

Today! At 12w1d. Measuring right on track!

I've neglected my blog

Sorry, blog. I've been neglecting you.

I had planned on writing a "What I'm Thankful for..." post around Thanksgiving. Christmas just passed, so that obviously didn't happen.

First, catching up. Things have been pretty crazy since I last wrote. School kept me busy, naturally. This semester really killed me. It wasn't that my work load was too much, it was just that I felt I had zero time to work on anything. Because of my class and practicum schedule, I had to work on everything on the weekend. Unfortunately, I didn't spend a lot of time with Sean. It sucked. We've been able to spend more time together now that school is out. And next semester, I was able to change my schedule so I'll have two days off during the week. Which means more time to work on school assignments during the week and more time to spend with my husband So that'll be nice.

The week of Thanksgiving we went home. We got to visit friends and family. We also go to start the process of planning our move home. We looked at several townhouses/duplexes and there wasn't one that we didn't like. Now we're just working on securing a place, picking a date to move in and really planning the move home. I graduate May 14th. Ideally, I'd like to move home May 15th, lol. I know that won't happen, but I would love to be in Columbia by June 1st. I can't really express in words my excitement to move home. These next 5 months can fly by, as far as I'm concerned. I hate to wish away time like that. But seriously. I need to be home.

So now that I'm on break from school, I have some plans. I want to organize my desk (as it's a hot mess), catch up on sleep, spend time with my boys (Sean & Tank) and write in my blog at least once a week. I'm gonna try to continue that trend once school starts too, but we'll see.

Anyway, I have much more to say, but I think I'll save it for another time. Until next time, blog...

Humbling

Last week was a weird week. The best word I can use to sum it all up is humbling.

Let's start with what everyone knows: Hurricane Sandy. Last year, when Hurricane Irene hit, it was really not a big deal. It was just like a long rain day. Of course, there were other parts of Jersey that got incredibly flooded. But other than that, there was no damage. So, I think a lot of people did not take Sandy seriously. I have heard multiple people say "Oh, we've never been hit with a hurricane. It'll be fine." But, it wasn't fine.

We live an hour inland. We live near Trenton, to give you an idea. On Monday, I stayed home from my internship because the winds were supposed to start picking up in the afternoon. Sean worked from home. It was windy here and there. But as the day progressed, so did the wind. By Monday night, the wind was insane. We woke up Tuesday to really no damage that we could see. When we walked around our complex though, we saw this:

Luckily, this wasn't our apartment. But this was a pretty common scene when we drove around. We never really lost power, until Wednesday and it was only for 12 hours. We were incredibly lucky.

A lot of places, as you know, were completely devastated. It's really sad to see. I hope that the communities are rebuilt soon and they will be able to recover. There are some people I know who STILL don't have power. I can't even imagine.

Last Thursday, November 1st, was bittersweet. We reached our one year trying to conceive "anniversary." It was a hard day for me. Especially when I thought about how far along I would have been and all of that. I really try not to focus on that, but the positives. I know so much more now than I did a year ago. I know that when we do finally get our take home baby, every moment is going to be cherished. That kid is going to be loved ridiculously. Not that we wouldn't have cherished the moments or loved the kid like crazy before. But when things like this happen, you start to rethink and regroup.

I know that we'll get our baby soon. I feel good about that. Baby Ford: 2013.

Humbling. It's the best word I can think of, even now. After everything that has happened in the past few months, it's been clear now more than ever we belong at home. In the Midwest. I can't wait to move home.

It's like Melrose Place...except not at all

I hate my apartment complex. But you know the saying 'You get what you pay for'? Yeah, it's true, most of the time.

Sean and I moved out here blindly. We weren't able to look at apartments or anything, so we picked our complex based on the website and Sean's co-workers review of the area. Plus, it was the cheapest place we could find, which honestly was the biggest draw.

Anyway, we have some weirdos and assholes that live here.

Let's start with our upstairs neighbors. Category: Assholes. Things were fine when we first moved in. They even let us park the truck in their spot when we were moving in. Then, about 2 months after living here, we had this passive aggressive note that basically said to stop slamming the door at all hours of the night because it "shakes the building." Uh, really? We weren't slamming it, number one. Number two, we weren't up all hours of the night shutting the door. And number three...our door is shitty. You have to be a little forceful to get it to latch.

Also, we live in a one bedroom, 750 sq foot apartment. But, that doesn't stop our wonderful upstairs neighbors from hosting every holiday. And I'm not kidding. They have their family come over, which includes kids. And the kids run around all day. And their relatives stomp around like elephants. Last Thanksgiving was like that. Last Christmas we had to bang on the wall for them to shut up and then they have the nerve to ring our doorbell. Like we were going to answer. How about you not host your family when you live in a small ass apartment?

Our next door neighbor, Screamy or Loudy, is annoying. She talks loud on her phone all day. She tans in the common "yard" which is weird. Even when it's 70 degrees in September. She sits out on her yard chair and tans. She has a daughter and they make dance videos in the yard. She dresses like she's 13 although I'm pretty sure she's in her 40s.

We also have a neighbor who we call Curby. He sits on the curb next to the dumpsters every day and drinks a coke and smokes. He is super creepy. He also pees in the bushes, when he could just go in his apartment and pee.

Hoardy is our next neighbor. He's a hoarder. Legit. If you walk around to the back of the building, you know which patio is his because it's full of junk. Chairs, kitty litter containers, you name it. He also has two trucks that he keeps full of shit. I'm not sure either one runs. He also has like 147 plants on his front patio. He has a dog, but I'm not sure where the dog sleeps. I'm not sure where he sleeps.

Crazy Cat Lady also lives here. She put notes in everyone's mail box that said LOST CAT? CONTACT MY CRAZY ASS AT THIS NUMBER. (Not verbatim, of course). This bitch feeds strays. I mean, I love animals and all, but you don't feed strays. Cuz now these damn strays won't go away. For a while, she was feeding the cat next to a tree. It had a dish bowl for food and water. Well, someone else got fed up with it and threw the bowls in the street. So now? She keeps the bowls under her van. Because I mean, how else will a stray cat survive?

We have some redneck neighbors. But, unlike all of our other neighbors, they are super nice. We like them actually. She's always wearing sweats and he's always wearing camo. I think we're drawn to them because they remind us of home, lol.

Anyway, I so can't wait to move back to Columbia. At least it won't be blind. And I already know Columbia. Where to live. But more important, where NOT to live. Even if we have crazies as our neighbors in Columbia, at least we'll have more space and actual friends to vent to.

The "I" Word

Infertility.

There, I said it.

I've been afraid to use that word to describe my situation. Like, if I said it...it would change something. It would make me feel less capable. Less able to win the battle. But, I've been mostly afraid to say it because I've been in denial. But, clearly that's what we're dealing with here.

Our one year "anniversary" of trying to conceive (TTC) is coming up. I stopped the pill at the end of October last year. I never thought I'd be here...a year later, with no pregnancy, no baby. I certainly never thought I'd be here a year later, only 4 cycles under my belt and one miscarriage.

I try to think that everything happens for a reason. I mean, there has to be some reason for the frustration, tears and heartache. I know that when I finally do get that sticky/take home baby, it will all be worth it. Not that I wouldn't have before, but I'm going to appreciate every moment with my child. I just can't wait for it to be my time.

The past year has taught me a lot. Patience. Gratitude. I'm thankful that our insurance covers fertility treatments. That's been a blessing.

Anyway, so I'm now on my second cycle of Clomid. I took it days 3-7. On Friday, I had to go in for my monitoring ultrasound. I had several 11mm follicles and one 14mm follicle, so I wasn't quite ready yet. I had to go back yesterday for another ultrasound and I had a 17mm follicle (like last time)! I should ovulate within the next 5 days or so, so that's that.

I was recently asked why I write this blog. Why I share it. Most importantly, it's therapeutic for me. I can get my thoughts out of my head. The reason I share it is because I know there are many others out there going through what I'm going through. I hope that others stumble on to my blog and it helps them. Makes them feel like they aren't alone. I've gotten nothing but positive feedback, so it's nice to have that support as well.

So again...keeping my fingers crossed. Baby Ford in 2013!

Epiphany

You ever have one of those "ah-ha" moments? An "oh shit" moment? I had one today. But first, let me talk about my shitty week.

Y'all. It's been a shitty week. I'm still dealing with my emotions from the miscarriage. It doesn't help that I couldn't keep my mouth shut and told way too many people about being pregnant. It's really awesome telling a bunch of people you lost your baby. Ugh. Now I know for next time..

About 2 weeks ago, my uncle was in the hospital. He was pretty sick. He had an internal bleed but they weren't sure from where. Anyway, he got better! He went home! Everything was going well as far as I knew. But this week being the shittiest week ever, I should have known better.

My mom called me and let me know that my Uncle was falling. Having a hard time keeping himself up. So ended back up in the hospital and now he's in a nursing home in rehab. My mom told me he has been saying some bizarre things, some of which were very upsetting to my mom because they involved my grandparents. My uncle has had Schizophrenia most of his life. He's been very stable for years and years. I tried to explain to my mom that it wasn't really him talking and that his mental is obviously not stable and to ask the nursing home to keep an eye on him. Something isn't right, right now with him. I guess I'm thankful he's being monitored and not home alone.

But after I got off the phone with my mom, I cried. Again. For like the billionth time this week. The thought of my uncle in a nursing home breaks my heart. My uncle and I used to be really close. He'd watch me sometimes. I know that the nursing home is temporary. Or at least it should be. But from my own work experience, it seems that once people start to decline, they decline. Sure, some get better. I hope my Uncle is one of those people.

This is where my epiphany happened.

I've been in social work for a few years now and I've talked to families about putting their loved one in a nursing home. I'm currently in a psyc hospital at my internship. I talk to families every day about how their loved one is doing and their concern. Not that I didn't have empathy before...but now, it has clicked. I FEEL what they are feeling. I'm hoping this will make me a better social worker, But of course, I wish the epiphany had happened in a different way.

This is one of the many reasons I'm ready to go home. I feel like I'm needed there. I want to be there for my uncle and my mom and step dad. These next 7 months can't fly by fast enough...

Dear Uterus...

Tomorrow starts round 2 of Clomid. I'll be taking 100mg this month. Last time, I wrote a plea to my ovaries. This time, my uterus needs to be addressed.

Dear Uterus,

I know you had a good reason for doing what you did. But, can you please be on board this month? Ovaries are on board now. It's totally the cool thing to do. So please...help make me the happiest girl in the world, will ya? Thanks. Love ya!

Sarah

The Positives of my No Longer Positive

It's been a rough weekend. I have been depressed most of it. I haven't really laughed at much. I haven't wanted to really do anything except eat. Unfortunately, food is my coping mechanism. On Saturday, I randomly burst into tears 3 times. I'm doing better today, although I did have to hold back while I was at the gym.

I've been wallowing in self-pity. Negative talk. "I'll never get pregnant." I don't like this. So, I'm hoping that this post will put me on the road to recovery, so-to-speak. So, I'm going to list the positives of this situation:

1. I got pregnant the first treatment, of the first medicine, on the lowest dose. A lot of women don't even respond to this medicine. My doctor is increasing my dose to 100mg for the next cycle, so I'm hoping for better results (i.e. a "take home" baby).

2. I'm not dying. I know this is a weird thing to say. But, I'm acting as if I got a death sentence. I'm not sick. As far as my fertility diagnosis, I have a very mild diagnosis. I actually don't really have a diagnosis as much as a hormonal imbalance.

3. Timing. June 4th would have been my due date. While this date would have worked fine with school, in terms of moving, it did put a little snag in it. Our plan is to move right after graduation, which is May 14th. There's no way we'd be able to move until after I would have had the baby. And that would have made the move much more difficult.

In our apartment now, we wouldn't be able to set up a nursery. The best we would be able to do is a crib in our room. Our baby deserves a nursery.

I wouldn't be able to have a baby shower. We don't really have any support/friends here, therefore, no one to come to a baby shower.

My mom wouldn't be able to come see her first grandchild being born. This is something I want to be able to give my mom. Also, my mother-in-law wasn't able to be there when her 2 grandchildren were born, so it would be nice to have her there as well.

Despite all this, I still wanted this baby so much. I'm still completely heart broken. I'm hoping that I never have to go through a loss again.

I just need to get myself up, dust myself off and continue. I know our time is coming. I know that we will have our baby soon. My doctor is optimistic. Everyone around me is optimistic. I need to stop letting my negative talk override my optimism.

Heart Broken

On Sunday, I got 2 positive pregnancy tests. I tested again on Monday and the lines were darker. I was shocked, but very excited. On Tuesday, I got the pregnancy confirmed by a blood test. However, they did find that my progesterone was low so they started me on a supplement. I had to go back in today to make sure that my progesterone and hcg (pregnancy hormone) was going up. The actual doctor called me so I knew it wasn't good.

My hcg is dropping. I am miscarrying our baby. I cried for 2 hours. I'm fighting back tears typing this now. I'm incredibly heart broken.

I'm heart broken for myself because my desire to be a mommy is so strong. I'm heart broken for Sean because I know he's going to be an incredible daddy and I can't give that to him just yet. I'm heartbroken for my mom, who wants to be a grandmother so badly.

I'm also angry. Angry that this happened. Angry that life isn't fair. Angry that this is another struggle in my life. I'm just...angry.

I feel a little foolish for getting so damn excited. Excited that we'd have a baby right after I graduate. Excited we'd have a baby to dress up next Halloween. Excited for the start of our family. Apparently, it is not our time.

Initially, I didn't feel like this was our cycle. That it just wasn't right...yet. But when I got those positive tests...I was elated. My feeling was wrong! Then yesterday...I just didn't feel it anymore. But I figured it was my nerves or something. I was trying to brush off those negative feelings. I worry all the time...why should this be any different?

Even though I had these feelings...it doesn't change my broken heart. I wanted this baby so badly. I drowned my sorrow in a big mac and large fries and a giant diet coke. Although it's not the healthiest way to cope, it did make me feel a little better.

I know our time is coming. So the plan? Once I start my period, it'll be round 2 of Clomid days 3-7. The doctor is increasing my dose from 50mg to 100mg. I'm starting the process over. I'm hoping next month will be successful for us. I hope it'll bring us our sticky baby.

So, hug your babies a little tighter for me tonight. I just hope one day real soon I get to hug my own.

This & That

I officially completed my first week at my practicum. It's going to be a good placement for me and it'll definitely look good on my resume. It's going well so far. I did a lot of shadowing this week. I'm hoping I'll be doing some more hands on stuff soon.

The third week of school starts this week. I have a lot of assignments this semester, but luckily a few of them are group projects. I used to hate group projects, but now...they aren't so bad. You can divvy up the work between a few people and bam! You're done. I'm so ready to graduate it's not even funny. I'm having a really hard time getting back in school mode. I definitely need to spend some time reading for class...as I haven't done a lick of reading yet. I'll make time though...

And yes...I OVULATED! Good job, body, for doing what you're supposed to do! I temp my basal body temp and it happened last Tuesday. As far as timing, we couldn't have been much better. I go in tomorrow for a progesterone blood draw to confirm ovulation. Assuming this confirms it, I should know in less than 2 weeks what the outcome is. Of course I would like to see two lines. But, the fact that I did actually ovulate is exciting in and of itself. This is the first month since we started trying that we actually have a shot. So, it feels nice. If I don't get those two lines...well...on to next months! So keep your fingers crossed for me! Two lines!

Other than that, I really don't have a lot else going on. School is going to take the majority of my time until the end of April. But the faster school flies by, the quicker we get to move home. Not that I want to wish my life away, but I would like the next 8 months to fly by so we can be back in Missouri.

The egg is near...

Today I had my first post-Clomid ultrasound. The point of the ultrasound is to do two main things: Check the lining of your uterus and see if you have any eggs that are mature or close to mature. (Clomid can thin out lining). Also, if you have too many eggs that are mature, you could end up in a Jon & Kate Plus 8 situation...which I definitely don't want. Sean came with me since it was the first one and he was just interested in seeing my ovaries as well. I hope I get lucky and won't have to do this anymore, but if I do...I know he won't be able to go to every one with me. But it was nice having him with me for the first one. I love that man...

My lining was good. Seeing my ovaries/eggs on an ultrasound was an interesting experience. The good news is I have "plenty of eggs." You could see them, which was cool. I had a follicle on my right ovary that was 12mm, which is not mature. I had a bunch of other small ones but she didn't measure those since there was really no point. At first, I was disappointed because I have been having cramps for the last few days and had a lot on my right side yesterday. So I thought I was out. But then she moves to my left ovary and BAM! 17mm follicle!! The doc said that 18mm is mature and that I *should* ovulate this weekend. So yay for that! Please mature and release, ovary. Pretty please? You'll get 9 months off, if all goes well!

Then we got a sex schedule. No, she didn't write down anything, but she did tell us when to start/stop having sex. Sean joked "I'm not a machine." I'm excited and optimistic, which is good to feel. I'm realistic though, so I won't be *too* bummed if it doesn't happen this month. But the good news is that it appears I'm responding to the Clomid. I should hear about my bloodwork this afternoon. I go in on the 17th for a progesterone blood draw to confirm ovulation.

(not my ovary, but this gives you an idea of what we saw today)

 

 

 

 

The Color Run

Yesterday, Sean and I participated in The Color Run. If you're not familiar with this run, find out more info here.

We had so much fun and we plan to do it again. Next time, we'd like to do it with a group of friends. So, Kansas City 2013 Color Run...we're ready!

Anyway, the New Jersey run sold out (as a lot of them do) and they had over 15,000 people signed up. They staggered the start times because there were so many people. Luckily, we arrived at 6:30 and we were able to get in the first heat.

 



After we finished the run, I was surprised at how little we were colored. I was expected to be covered.

After the run, they have an "after party" type thing. There was a DJ and a crowd of people. That's where we ended up like this:

 

 

Highly recommended run. A lot of fun! It was probably the easiest 5K I've ever run.

Definitely Something Hormonal...

On the third day of my cycle (which was Tuesday), I had to go in for bloodwork to check my hormone levels.

On Wednesday, Sean went in for his semen analysis.

The good news is we aren't dealing with both male and female fertility issues. Sean's analysis came back normal, so that is definitely good news. Not that I was worried about that since ya know...his semen isn't the reason I'm having long cycles.

When I went in for my bloodwork, the tech said "We'll call you only if there's something wrong." So I was a nervous wreck the whole day, of course. Around 2:30, my phone said I got a voicemail and it was them. For whatever reason, my phone didn't ring. I couldn't get them on the phone the rest of the day. That night was the worst night. I had a massive melt down. Poor Sean gets the brunt of my crazy.

The next day, I finally got them on the phone. All of my levels were normal, except my lutenizing hormone (LH). I make too much. There's another hormone that's involved, FSH, which basically checks your egg quality/age. That is normal. In theory, your LH:FSH ratio should be 1:1. Mine is 3:1. This came up on bloodwork I had done 6 months ago. Because of this, the physician's assistant said "There's definitely something hormonal going on.." She then when on to say that the Clomid should help me ovulate.

So, next Thursday is my ultrasound & bloodwork day to see if this dose of clomid works on me. I hope so! Keep your fingers crossed for me!

And so it starts....

Overshare time! I got my period yesterday! Yay! (Thanks, Provera!)

Now, normally, when us ladies who are trying to conceive, a period is a sad time. Frustrating, even. But, for women like me, it marks a new beginning into my journey. I'm excited, anxious...everything else you can think of. Plus, it ended a 100 day cycle, which is cray.

So, here's how it's going to go down:

Tomorrow (Cycle Day 3): Go in for bloodwork & start Clomid
Cycle Day 4-7: Take 50mg of Clomid daily
Cycle Day 12: Go in for bloodwork & ultrasound.

The purpose of the ultrasound and bloodwork is to see if I responded to the Clomid. They also want to make sure that if I did respond, I'm not going to release a ton of eggs (That's rare and since it's my first month...I'm not expecting much).

I'm hopeful, but also realistic. Of course it would be nice to get pregnant on my first round of Clomid. But...since I'm realistic, I'm not going to hold my breath. At this point, I'll be happy if I respond to it. So c'mon ovaries...help a girl out!

28

Today is my birthday. I'm 28. Do you ever think back on when you were a kid/teenager and you pictured what you would be like "grown up?" I do. I'm not exactly where I thought I'd be, but I'm glad I'm here.

When I was a teenager, I never thought I would get married. Self-esteem was not my thing, back then. But luckily, I found a wonderful man to share my birthdays with. I never thought I'd be going to Grad School, but I'm doing that too. I have great friends and a great family.

As I start a new year in my life, I have some things I'd like to accomplish as a 28 year old. They are as follows:

1. Obtain my MSW. I'm half-way done with my program. I know this year is going to be challenging, but I'm looking forward to it. I can't wait until I can call myself a social worker, get my SW license and start working again.

2. Move home. It's been real, New Jersey, but it's time for this Mid-Western Gal to go home. You know how sometimes all signs point to yes? Well, in this case...all signs point to NO for us to be in New Jersey. I feel like there are very few times in life where the universe tells you what to do. This is one of those cases. We plan to move home as soon as possible after I graduate.

3. Get pregnant & have a baby. I'm ready to be a mommy. I'm ready to build my family and take this next step in my life. I will continue to blog about our fertility journey here, so stay tuned for that.

4. Reconnect with old friends. We plan to move to Columbia, MO and I have a lot of friends there that I have lost touch with over the years. I plan to fix that. Living so far away from everyone has made me realize that I have taken a lot of people for granted.

5. Continue to get healthy. Over the years, I've slowly taken steps to get healthy. While I have continued to yo-yo my weight, I've picked up good habits along the way. So, I want to lose 30 pounds in the next year and better yet, maintain said weight loss (of course, if I have a baby...this will happen post-partum).

Ok, 28 year-old. You have a lot of things to do. You should probably get on that.

I know I'm not in Kansas anymore, but...

I got called Dorothy yesterday. DOROTHY. I had to go to orientation for my internship and where I'm from came up. "Kansas City," I said. Literally his follow up question was "Your name isn't Dorothy?"

Seriously, people. I swear, anytime I say I'm from Kansas City, they hear Kansas and think this:

Or this, apparently...

First of all...look at a map. Kansas City? Barely in Kansas. And there are certainly no farms in Kansas City proper.

Second of all, most of us Mid-Western folk have all of our teeth. We don't all vote Republican. We're not all farmers. We don't all have that southern draw (I know I do...a little. But it's not bad). We're not all racist or homophobic. (Disclaimer: I know there are racists and bigots in any part of the country. I'm just sayin...)

I don't have an Auntie Em. Or an Uncle Henry. And I don't go on adventures with a Scarecrow, Tin Man or Talking Lion. I do have a little dog, but Tank is way cuter than Toto. And I'd never wear sparkly shoes.

I can't even tell you how annoying it is. It's basically the same as me saying: "Oh you're from New Jersey? Why don't you have a blow out and a tan?" Why aren't you wearing leopard print and falling down?:

I know the training guy was joking around. But after a year of that, it's enough. It's old. One time during a class exercise, we were asked "If you had to flee somewhere in an hour, what would you grab?" It was implied that I would provide the guns because ya know...KANSAS.

Guns scare me. I've never shot one.

I can't wait to move home.

My Fallopian Tubes, Myself

Well...I never thought I'd be blogging about my Fallopian Tubes & Uterus. I had my HSG test today to make sure my tubes aren't blocked.

Good news! They aren't!

News that may or may not be bad: My Uterus is not shaped normally. It's shaped more like a Y than a triangle, or upside down pear. From Dr. Google, the medical term is " bicornuate uterus." My doctor doesn't seemed too concerned about it at this point. It could cause issues, such as miscarriage or pre-term labor. Or it may not. He seemed to think it was "minor" and we would go on with the plan as intended.

So, Sean has his analysis on the 29th and I'll start Clomid after my next period.

Side Story: I almost passed out at the Radiology office! I was fine during the procedure. Just a little discomfort - felt more like cramps. I got up, put my pants back on and all of that. I was walking to the waiting room when all of a sudden, things were getting spotty and my hearing was going. I got hot all of a sudden. I sat in the waiting room for a few minutes until I felt ok. As I was walking out, I I stopped to get a drink of water and as I was walking up the stairs, it happened again. I sat in my car with the A/C blasted until I felt ok. I feel fine now. Apparently, fainting is rare but can happen. Also...this happens to me a few times a year, so who knows.

So, now you know the workings of my reproductive organs. You're welcome.

Our Plan for Baby Makin'

For the majority of folks, unprotected sex = baby. But, for some of us, we actually need a little help and a plan. Today, Sean and I got our plan.

We met with a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). He was very nice, which is always a plus. He asked for each of our histories and he gave us a lot of information. Here is how the plan is gonna go:

Thursday, August 16th: I have to go in for an HSG test. Basically, this is where a dye will be inserted in my uterus and they check to make sure my tubes aren't blocked. It sounds unpleasant, but apparently I'll only feel discomfort for a few minutes.

Wednesday, August 29th: Sean goes in for a semen analysis. Self explanatory.

If both of these tests come back normal, I will start Clomid after my next cycle starts. I will take Clomid cycle days 3-7. In theory, this medicine will make me ovulate. Of course, my body may not respond and we may need to increase the dose. There's always the possibility that my body may not like Clomid and I'll have to try another medicine. With this medicine comes a lot of monitoring. I'll have to go in on cycle day 3 and 12 for monitoring. I'll have to get bloodwork & ultrasounds. Basically, they want to make sure that I am ovulating and that I'm not making too many eggs. You know I am not trying to have a Jon & Kate plus 8 situation.

So, that is what will be involved in the next 3-4 months. If I'm not pregnant, we will move on to another medicine and more treatments. For now, I just have to hope that Clomid will help me and I will be pregnant by the holidays. Keep your fingers crossed for us!

There's no place like home...

As cliche as it sounds, there really is no place like home.

Last week, Sean and I were in Kansas City, Columbia & Laddonia. Three places where I spent the majority of my life. I was so happy we were able to go home to visit. We drove, which was an interesting experience. We took turns driving and got there in about 20 hours. We brought Tank with us this time, because last time we went home...we missed our baby!

Our first stop was Kansas City. We stayed with our friends, Melissa & Adam. They recently had a baby, Norah, who is just the cutest. It definitely made my baby fever intensify, but I'm so happy for them. Hell, maybe my ovaries will start to work after spending time with a baby. Certainly couldn't hurt. While in Kansas City, Sean and I visited some of our favorite restaurants/stores. We also stocked up on our Chiefs swag. I saw some old co-workers. We spent some time with Sean's family.

After a few days in Kansas City, we went to Columbia. We spent time with one of my all-time favorite people, Jeremy. We went to Six Flags, which of course was fun. But of course, it was like 102 degrees that day. But it was still good times. Jeremy showed us some new stuff happening around Columbia.

Side story about Columbia: I lived there for 4 years with Jeremy. It was while I was an undergrad and it was some of the best times I've ever had. After I broke things off with the ex, I planned to move back there. Once I met Sean, though, those plans changed. But, Sean has fallen in love with Columbia too.

After Columbia, we spent our last few days with my mom and step-dad. I got to see an old friend...which was nice. I hate going to the town where my mom and step-dad lives because it's a depressing little town. I don't have a lot of good memories from there. So usually when we go, we stay at my mom's and don't really venture out. But, it was still good to see my mom and step-dad.

We've officially decided what we're going to do: WE'RE MOVING HOME! Specifically, we're moving to Columbia. Sean wants to try something other than Kansas City and I've always loved Columbia. So, once I graduate in May, we're heading back.

It's funny. When Sean and I decided to move to New Jersey, we thought we would fit in better, or something. Turns out, sometimes you're meant to be where you are. Unfortunately, it took us two years, a lot of money loss and some stress to figure that out. But, I don't regret moving to New Jersey. I'd rather know than not know. And I've met some great people here. But, honestly, I really can't wait to be back in Missouri. I miss my home. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss feeling like I belong. I'm going to get all of those back when we move.

The plan is to get out of dodge (aka Jersey) as soon as possible after I graduate. Even if that means paying double rent for a few months (our lease here is up at the end of July) that's what we're going to do. We're coming home!

Potpourri

I have a lot of little random things to blog about so...ta da!

First of all...we leave for KC in less than a week and I couldn't be more excited! Sean, Tank and I will be loading up the car and heading west. Can't wait. I need some family & friends love. Especially with school starting in little more than a month!

I sold back some of my textbooks for some extra cash. Basically how it works is you find the company that gives you the most money, they provide you a shipping label and you box up the books and mail them. In this case, the company offered USPS or FedEx. I chose FedEx since it's faster. We didn't have any regular brown boxes so I put my two books in a Nike shoebox (the sturdier of all the shoe boxes). I taped the box closed and wrapped it with brown paper. The next day I took it to a FedEx Kinkos (or whatever the hell it's called now) and they informed me that they can't take wrapped boxes because "the conveyor belt will shred it up." Really? Are your conveyors saw blades?

The guy informed me that I could either rebox it in another box OR put tape around the entire thing. So, seeing as how I was already out, I went and bought tape. And literally taped the entire box. I take it back to FedEx and the lady took my box (giggity) and looked at it like I had handed her a dead puppy and goes "This box isn't good. You shouldn't wrap it. Hopefully it makes it." She then gave me the receipt with the tracking number and sent me on my way. Like, let's not be dramatic. It's not going to get torn up or shredded to bits or whatever. By the way, it was delivered this morning so take that, lady.

On Wednesday this week, I went to a taping of America's Got Talent.

It was a lot of fun. It was a results show so there wasn't a lot of acts, but we did get to see the dog who won Britain's Got Talent and some run-of-the-mill pop singer named Havannah Brown. Some bitch sitting in front of us kept yelling at Howard Stern. She was annoying everyone in our section but she didn't get kicked out. But she did leave before the taping was done. 

Sean and I ran another 5K this past weekend. It was a tough run. It was hot and I pushed myself way too hard. Half-way through I started getting chills and goosebumps, which according to Dr. Google...are signs of heat exhaustion. I felt like shit the rest of the day. I'm not signed up for another run, but want to do one in September. Apparently they are thinking of bringing The Color Run to NJ and if that's the case, I will be signing up for that!

Until next time...

Patience is a virtue - Sit back & enjoy the ride

Patience is something that I have to constantly work on. It's never been my strong suit - at least, not in my personal life. When I'm working, I have great patience with clients. You HAVE to have it in social work. Why can I not transfer this to my personal life? Why can't I just enjoy the ride?

I've been thinking a lot about this recently. Even if Sean and I rent a movie, I will sometimes look up the synopsis on IMDB. Because I can't wait to know how it ends! How ridiculous is that?? But, looking back, my patience has always been lacking. I'm not really sure where it stems from. It's not like my childhood was filled with trips and things to look forward to. Growing up poor doesn't really give you that luxury. But then again...maybe that *is* where it stems from. The few times I did have something to look forward to, it was unbearable because it was a treat. I don't know. I'm probably grasping at straws.

Sean and I are visiting home in about 2 weeks and the wait has been ridiculous for me. We were just home in March, but I can't wait to go again. School starts at the beginning of September and part of me wishes it was sooner - because I'm ready to graduate. Graduating means continuing my career. Graduating means moving. Graduating means figuring out our next steps. Once school starts though, I'm sure I'll be wishing for a break. And the time will fly by so fast, it will be here before I know it.

Sean and I are also taking steps toward figuring out another aspect of our life. On August 13th, we have an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist. After 8 months of long cycles and no ovulating, we're ready to pursue testing. Part of me still hopes my body is still recuperating after being on the pill. But the more time that goes by, the less I'm thinking that. The impatient part of me wants all of the testing to be over. It, of course, is going to be more tedious for me. I just want to know the official diagnosis. I want to know our plan. I want our baby in my arms. But, I need to enjoy the ride. I need to be patient. They do say the best things in life are worth waiting for, right? 

One Year

On June 25th, Sean and I celebrated our one year anniversary. I, of course, planned to blog about it that day but that obviously didn't happen. We went to Atlantic City to celebrate. Had dinner at The Melting Pot & did a little gambling. Perfect day for us :)

We came home and had our wedding cake. We froze the top and honestly, I was afraid to eat it because it traveled with us (in a cooler) when we moved.

Luckily for us, it was still REALLY good (don't let Sean's face fool you).

Next week, our year anniversay of living in New Jersey will be here. New Jersey really has not been kind to us, so it's been a rough year. But, the year has taken our relationship to another level. I have (and have never had) no doubt that Sean and I will be able to get through all of the challenges of our lives together. We have this amazing level of intimacy, trust, commitment and communication that can't be broken. I hope soon that life starts treating us a little easier and gives us a few breaks. I look forward to our future.

This next year will be another interesting year for us, with lots of decisions and hurdles for us to make and overcome. I'll be graduating from Grad School in May. We will be decided wether or not to move back home and I hope that we are able to start our family.

But no matter what happens, I know I'll always have my best friend by my side.

A 5K on the GWB?! That sounds awesome!

About 2 months, I participated in a relay race. At the end of said race, they had a bunch of advertisements for upcoming runs. I was immediately attracted to the pamphlet for the George Washington Bridge 5K.

"A run where you actually run on one of the most traveled bridges in the world? AND you can see the city?! Yes, to all of that" Clearly, my Midwestern mind is still easily amused. So, Sean and I signed up. Weeks leading up to the run, we kept receiving emails - ya know, the usual. Course map, where to park, event info, etc. The emails kept stating that they were going to have over 2500 people there. It was the 25th anniversary! It was going to be great!

Well. That was... not how it went. First of all, I was freaking out because we were running 10 minutes late. Shit! We aren't going to be on time! We planned to meet a friend (who also ran the 5K) at a rest stop nearby. We did that and got to the assigned parking lot for runners.. We had to wait in line about 5-7 minutes to park...not bad. Registration started at 7am. We got to the parking lot around 7. I was still cool though, because shuttles were supposed to run every 10 minutes! We'll get there! Uh, wrong.

We start walking to the line for the shuttle and it.was.long. We stood in line for FORTY minutes before enough shuttles came around to get us. (BTW...a shuttle every 10 minutes? LIES!) AND the parking lot had three different lines.By the time we got to the start, it was 7:50. The race was supposed to start at 7:45. But I was still pretty cool. We'll start when we start, I thought. We all had our phones to map our route/time. But...it was pretty obvious once we got there that no one had started yet.

We had found the tent to pick up our bibs and shoe timing chip. They had it divided by letters for last names. We all got in the same line for pick up. And we stood there. And stood there. There were SUPPOSED to be 3 different lines, but everyone was just kind of in a big pile, sorta in lines. It was confusion. Then we hear that the race isn't going to start until 9 now. By this point, my bladder is about to explode. I make my way to the porta potties and I shit you not (pun totally intended) there were SIX porta potties for HUNDREDS of people. The line for the porta potties curved around in a U shape. I decide to stand in line because a) my bladder is gonna explode and b) it's either I stand in line here or over in the other line.

After a few minutes, Sean and our friend came over with pink wrist bands. Apparently, they offered these writs bands to people who "didn't mind not being timed." This wrist band got you lunch after the race. They took the wrist bands and Sean got (cut) in the line for the bathrooms. Eventually a lady came over and gave me a tip that a building nearby had no waiting on bathrooms. Our friend decides to get back in the line for the bibs and timing chips because...this is bullshit. We paid money...we should get to do this. And we had 20 minutes before the race started.

Side note: That bathroom was waaaay worse than a porta potty. It had paper towels stuffed in the toilet and it smelled like someone mopped the floor with piss.

So, eventually we get our bibs, numbers and we're ready to go. Although...the majority of people had already started. Now, let me say that the Runners were supposed to start at 7:45 and the walkers were supposed to start at 8:30. This was 9ish and everyone started. So...we run. And people aren't getting out of the way to let runners pass. And people are stopping on the bridge to take pictures. Also...at a certain point on the track...they start letting the shuttle buses on the same path as us. Which was awesome. (The end was at a park). But, I got it done in 38 minutes...which is am improvement for me. (Last 5K I did in about 45 minutes...)

 So, we get our tshirts, eat our food and are ready to go home. Guess what?! We have to stand in yet another long ass line for the shuttles back to the car. So, we wait. And wait. But, the wait wasn't as long as the first time. They had two separate lines for the shuttles (for different parking lots). Our line was much much longer than the other. And when our line kept getting the shuttles, people in the other line literally start screaming. And kept screaming. It was ridiculous.

We get on a bus. This time, had to stand on it. And the bus driver was the worst. She kept making sudden brakes. Which is fun when you're standing up on a bus. At least there were rails to hold on to. Except that the rails were filthy.

So...that's my story. I do intend on writing the organizer of this run because it was clustertastic fuck. If this were the first year, I'd understand. You're still working out the kinks. But...your 25th year? No. I heard people saying that past years had never been like this and apparently this year it was a new route and a new person organizing it. We have a saying back home... "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

And now I bring you... the most random swag bag of all time.

 This was the NASTIEST thing I have ever had. Ok so yeah...licorice. That sounds good.

 It looks ok.

 UNTIL YOU TEAR IT IN HALF AND IT LOOKS LIKE A DOG TREAT! By the way...Tank ate it.

Proof.