On Sunday, I got 2 positive pregnancy tests. I tested again on Monday and the lines were darker. I was shocked, but very excited. On Tuesday, I got the pregnancy confirmed by a blood test. However, they did find that my progesterone was low so they started me on a supplement. I had to go back in today to make sure that my progesterone and hcg (pregnancy hormone) was going up. The actual doctor called me so I knew it wasn't good.
My hcg is dropping. I am miscarrying our baby. I cried for 2 hours. I'm fighting back tears typing this now. I'm incredibly heart broken.
I'm heart broken for myself because my desire to be a mommy is so strong. I'm heart broken for Sean because I know he's going to be an incredible daddy and I can't give that to him just yet. I'm heartbroken for my mom, who wants to be a grandmother so badly.
I'm also angry. Angry that this happened. Angry that life isn't fair. Angry that this is another struggle in my life. I'm just...angry.
I feel a little foolish for getting so damn excited. Excited that we'd have a baby right after I graduate. Excited we'd have a baby to dress up next Halloween. Excited for the start of our family. Apparently, it is not our time.
Initially, I didn't feel like this was our cycle. That it just wasn't right...yet. But when I got those positive tests...I was elated. My feeling was wrong! Then yesterday...I just didn't feel it anymore. But I figured it was my nerves or something. I was trying to brush off those negative feelings. I worry all the time...why should this be any different?
Even though I had these feelings...it doesn't change my broken heart. I wanted this baby so badly. I drowned my sorrow in a big mac and large fries and a giant diet coke. Although it's not the healthiest way to cope, it did make me feel a little better.
I know our time is coming. So the plan? Once I start my period, it'll be round 2 of Clomid days 3-7. The doctor is increasing my dose from 50mg to 100mg. I'm starting the process over. I'm hoping next month will be successful for us. I hope it'll bring us our sticky baby.
So, hug your babies a little tighter for me tonight. I just hope one day real soon I get to hug my own.
Mixed emotions are natural at a time like this. You are right your time is coming. Sometimes the Universe just needs to let us know in an unkind way that now isn't the time. I'm sending positive thoughts your way. Hugs to you and Sean.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for your loss. I can relate as I was in your shoes once. I keep you in my prayers. Try to focus on the positive and that is the fact that you can still try to get pregnant. It will likely happen when you least expect it. I didn't get prego with Mer until I stopped thinking about it. I will keep praying. Hether
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry, Sarah. All the heartache and struggles are going to pay off. When I look back at the difficult times I have been through with my children, I know that it just made me appreciate them more and never take them for granted. You will be outstanding parents because you will appreciate and be grateful for every single moment.
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