I've been wallowing in self-pity. Negative talk. "I'll never get pregnant." I don't like this. So, I'm hoping that this post will put me on the road to recovery, so-to-speak. So, I'm going to list the positives of this situation:
1. I got pregnant the first treatment, of the first medicine, on the lowest dose. A lot of women don't even respond to this medicine. My doctor is increasing my dose to 100mg for the next cycle, so I'm hoping for better results (i.e. a "take home" baby).
2. I'm not dying. I know this is a weird thing to say. But, I'm acting as if I got a death sentence. I'm not sick. As far as my fertility diagnosis, I have a very mild diagnosis. I actually don't really have a diagnosis as much as a hormonal imbalance.
3. Timing. June 4th would have been my due date. While this date would have worked fine with school, in terms of moving, it did put a little snag in it. Our plan is to move right after graduation, which is May 14th. There's no way we'd be able to move until after I would have had the baby. And that would have made the move much more difficult.
In our apartment now, we wouldn't be able to set up a nursery. The best we would be able to do is a crib in our room. Our baby deserves a nursery.
I wouldn't be able to have a baby shower. We don't really have any support/friends here, therefore, no one to come to a baby shower.
My mom wouldn't be able to come see her first grandchild being born. This is something I want to be able to give my mom. Also, my mother-in-law wasn't able to be there when her 2 grandchildren were born, so it would be nice to have her there as well.
Despite all this, I still wanted this baby so much. I'm still completely heart broken. I'm hoping that I never have to go through a loss again.
I just need to get myself up, dust myself off and continue. I know our time is coming. I know that we will have our baby soon. My doctor is optimistic. Everyone around me is optimistic. I need to stop letting my negative talk override my optimism.
Sarah, First and foremost I love you! secondly its okay to cry. I still do. That baby is and always will be your first baby! I still have the stick from my first positive. This breaks my heart for you that I can't be there, but know that I'm thinking of you guys. The words I hated most was "Its ok you'll get them next time" All I kept thinking was I wanted it this time....leave me alone. But like you said "timing" and that's when it happened for us. I hope the same for you. And yes please be home so we all can throw you a proper shower!!! I'm so excited for you that it worked on the first try, because like someone said "it means you can get pregnant" Tons of hugs for you!!
ReplyDeleteSarah, it's okay to feel sad and you will probably always remember June 4th as a "special" day. I had a miscarriage thirty one years ago and I still think of that unborn baby every February 21st and how old he/she would have been. You'll be okay, I can hear optimism in your words.
ReplyDeletekeep your chin up lady! I know it will happen. You have a plan in place for this cycle. Stay positive! Thinking of you! xoxxoxo -(Lobosabby)
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