I've really made it no secret that I haven't enjoyed New Jersey. It's too expensive. Too many people live here. No one knows how to drive. People say 'water' weird.
Basically, it's not home. We now know our asses belong firmly in the Midwest and we can't wait to get back. (24 days!) Pretty much since we moved here, nothing has gone right. We were so hopeful about things working out here. But we kept getting sign after sign that New Jersey was not right for us (you can read the past 2 years of my blog to find out specifics).
We keep chalking this whole thing up as "life experience." So, although New Jersey didn't work out, I did learn some things.
1. Sean and I will be able to make it through anything.
I know I gush about Sean often on here. But, I can't even begin to explain how I feel about him. He's my best friend, dare I even say, soul mate. Things have always been so easy with him. From the moment we met, it just felt right. I've been told that we look like we "match" each other.
We got married on June 25, 2011. On July 15, 2011 we arrived in NJ. We're not really good at spacing things out. We kinda like to do more than once thing at once. So, getting married and immediately moving away from the home we knew seemed crazy to a lot. But, we had each other and that was good enough for us at the time.
The last 2 years have not been easy for us. Between our financial struggles, filing for bankruptcy, having no family here, fertility issues, 2 miscarriages and grad school...we're tired, y'all. We are very much looking forward to things just being easy for a while. Good news instead of bad news. I know that Sean and I can make it through anything. Even though we've had stressor after stressor thrown at us...we're still here. We're still strong (and stronger than ever). I know that we'll face other challenges in the future. But we're both so confident that we can weather any storm.
2. Don't take your friends and family for granted.
I've talked about this before. There are many friendships that I have neglected. Being out here without friends has been an eye opening experience. Sure, I've made a few friends here. But, there was a long period of time where I really had no friends here, and that was very hard for me to handle. I have so many people I Plan to reconnect with once I'm home. I also plan to see my family more often. I miss them and I know that I need to see them more. I need them in my life.
3. I'm kinda awesome.
Historically, I've not given myself a lot of credit. Not really seeing my self worth. But I need to stop that. I'm strong. I'm resilient. I'm compassionate. I made it through grad school, despite all of my personal issues. I really have no doubt that I'm going to be an awesome social worker. I'm going to be an awesome mother.
I'm really excited for our future. Our days in New Jersey are winding down very quickly. I have met some amazing people here who I will never forget and hope that I'm able to keep in touch with (Thanks, Facebook!). Maybe you all should move out of NJ too and come with us. :-) I've learned some great life lessons. I'm thankful you can always go home.
I can't wait to get home, Missouri.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
PSA (Or...the status of my uterus)
I'm sure all of you, my friends and readers, are DYING to know the status of my uterus. (Because, why not?)
I went in for my Hysteroscopy this morning. Luckily, it wasn't nearly as dramatic as my last procedure and they actually started on time. (AND I was first...so win). I had to be given medicine to relax me again, because my anxiety shot way up when they started talking about intubating me. I remember being wheeled in the OR. My specialist and OB were on either side of me talking. Then, I woke up.
So, remember how I was talking about a possible septate? My specialist has been pretty adamant that he didn't believe I had one. He said that when my funny shaped uterus was discovered, he said it when he saw my recent ultrasound pictures, and he said it this morning.
I HAD A SEPTATE.
Because they discovered a septate, they had to put a little camera through my belly button to guide the removal of that. So I'm sore. But otherwise I feel pretty good (other than being a little groggy).
You can google septate uterus if you're really interested, but basically, it causes a uterus to be Y shaped (like mine) and can make the risk of miscarriage higher (YOU DON'T SAY) or preterm labor. After the procedure, he told Sean (and he told me the other day) that the reason I lost the baby was because of the Down's Syndrome. While that is most likely true, there's always going to be a part of me that is going to wonder.
So here's my PSA: Do your research and be your own advocate. Don't be afraid to confront your doctor about further testing. If that doctor gets offended, you need a new one. It's better to be safe than sorry. I know Doctor's are amazingly smart and I have a lot of respect for them. But sometimes it's best to go with your gut.
I'm not blaming my doctor or anything like that, but I do wish I had demanded this in August instead of having to wait until I've had 2 miscarriages. I know that this may have had nothing to do with them. But I don't know that for sure. I'm not going to dwell on it. I'm all fixed up and I'm ready to move forward. I'm thankful everything went well. And we're both so determined to make our little rainbow Baby Ford a reality in 2014.
I went in for my Hysteroscopy this morning. Luckily, it wasn't nearly as dramatic as my last procedure and they actually started on time. (AND I was first...so win). I had to be given medicine to relax me again, because my anxiety shot way up when they started talking about intubating me. I remember being wheeled in the OR. My specialist and OB were on either side of me talking. Then, I woke up.
So, remember how I was talking about a possible septate? My specialist has been pretty adamant that he didn't believe I had one. He said that when my funny shaped uterus was discovered, he said it when he saw my recent ultrasound pictures, and he said it this morning.
I HAD A SEPTATE.
Because they discovered a septate, they had to put a little camera through my belly button to guide the removal of that. So I'm sore. But otherwise I feel pretty good (other than being a little groggy).
You can google septate uterus if you're really interested, but basically, it causes a uterus to be Y shaped (like mine) and can make the risk of miscarriage higher (YOU DON'T SAY) or preterm labor. After the procedure, he told Sean (and he told me the other day) that the reason I lost the baby was because of the Down's Syndrome. While that is most likely true, there's always going to be a part of me that is going to wonder.
So here's my PSA: Do your research and be your own advocate. Don't be afraid to confront your doctor about further testing. If that doctor gets offended, you need a new one. It's better to be safe than sorry. I know Doctor's are amazingly smart and I have a lot of respect for them. But sometimes it's best to go with your gut.
I'm not blaming my doctor or anything like that, but I do wish I had demanded this in August instead of having to wait until I've had 2 miscarriages. I know that this may have had nothing to do with them. But I don't know that for sure. I'm not going to dwell on it. I'm all fixed up and I'm ready to move forward. I'm thankful everything went well. And we're both so determined to make our little rainbow Baby Ford a reality in 2014.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
I'm moving forward...but I'm still a mom
I can already feel the eye rolls that this post may cause. But, my story is the one that's hardly told. It's not really a story (IMO) the public wants to hear about. But, too bad. I'm annoying like that.
It's been 8 weeks today since we found out that our little girl was gone. At first, days felt like weeks. But now time has been flying by. I'm thankful for this for many reasons. Lately I've been feeling more optimistic that our rainbow baby will be here soon. My hysteroscopy is scheduled for next Tuesday. I'll be getting bloodwork done the same day to rule out a clotting problem and other genetic issues. Sean's bloodwork came back normal. So, by the end of the month, I'll have a clean uterus and answers. And I'm happy about that. Then, we can officially start trying again.
Now time for an overshare! (Because that's what I do!) I've been feeling more optimistic lately as well because I actually got a period. On my own. Last week! Without meds! Now, if you've been following our journey even a little, you know that this was an issue as soon as I got off the pill. I wasn't getting them because I wasn't ovulating. So, I'm hoping that my body has actually figured itself out and maybe we won't have to do meds again. Time will tell. I'm cautiously optimistic but I hope that this is a good sign and a good step in the right direction.
I've also (finally) gotten out of my poor eating, no exercise slump. I finally reached the point where I felt disgusting. So, I've been tracking and measuring all my food. I've been in the gym several times a week. I've lost a few pounds already. I have extra motivation in the graduation dress I purchased. I look good in it now...but I can look better. :)
I'm not moving on. I'll never move on from her. But I can move forward. And that's what I'm doing.
Despite this, I want to make one thing clear...I'm a mom. Every woman who has had a miscarriage or still born baby is a mom. And we've experienced a loss that is unimaginable. We lost our child. Just because we don't have memories of our children running around or because our baby never took a breath in this world doesn't mean we aren't moms. We are. And our hearts hurt and ache for our babies.
I've mentioned a friend of mine before who I haven't actually met. But we became pretty close when we were both trying to get pregnant. We have similar struggles. She became pregnant shortly after I did. When I lost Bootsie, she understood that I couldn't really be involved in her pregnancy at that time. But a few weeks ago, she texted me news that broke my heart. She went into labor and her daughter was born sleeping. She and her husband are, of course, devastated. They had a funeral for their daughter and she was worried that people would think she was trying to bring attention to herself. Or that people would think it was inappropriate.
It's ridiculous that my friend even had these thoughts come across her mind. Why should she feel like this? This is what she needed to do to start grieving. People just don't look at miscarriages and still born babies the same as other losses. Don't get me wrong...the death of a child at any age is a loss that no parent should ever have to experience. And I'm not discounting that. But, our losses shouldn't be discounted because we don't have memories of them. And because other's don't have memories of them. I have the memory of feelings with her. I have the memories of the 12 week ultrasound, when she was so active. I have the memories of Sean and I being so excited. We are parents.
I love her. I miss her every day. I'll never forget her.
I feel like this needs to be talked about more. I mean, I know it's not a pleasant topic. But, there are so many women going through this every day. And we have to grieve in silence a lot of the time. It's not fair. We have to hear the "Oh, you'll have a baby someday" comments when we already feel like we are moms. But people just don't get that. We don't want you to forget about our babies. We don't want you to feel uncomfortable to ask about our child. Or remember the birthday. Because pretending like it didn't happen makes me feel like it's unacceptable. And it's not.
(hopping off soap box)
It's been 8 weeks today since we found out that our little girl was gone. At first, days felt like weeks. But now time has been flying by. I'm thankful for this for many reasons. Lately I've been feeling more optimistic that our rainbow baby will be here soon. My hysteroscopy is scheduled for next Tuesday. I'll be getting bloodwork done the same day to rule out a clotting problem and other genetic issues. Sean's bloodwork came back normal. So, by the end of the month, I'll have a clean uterus and answers. And I'm happy about that. Then, we can officially start trying again.
Now time for an overshare! (Because that's what I do!) I've been feeling more optimistic lately as well because I actually got a period. On my own. Last week! Without meds! Now, if you've been following our journey even a little, you know that this was an issue as soon as I got off the pill. I wasn't getting them because I wasn't ovulating. So, I'm hoping that my body has actually figured itself out and maybe we won't have to do meds again. Time will tell. I'm cautiously optimistic but I hope that this is a good sign and a good step in the right direction.
I've also (finally) gotten out of my poor eating, no exercise slump. I finally reached the point where I felt disgusting. So, I've been tracking and measuring all my food. I've been in the gym several times a week. I've lost a few pounds already. I have extra motivation in the graduation dress I purchased. I look good in it now...but I can look better. :)
I'm not moving on. I'll never move on from her. But I can move forward. And that's what I'm doing.
Despite this, I want to make one thing clear...I'm a mom. Every woman who has had a miscarriage or still born baby is a mom. And we've experienced a loss that is unimaginable. We lost our child. Just because we don't have memories of our children running around or because our baby never took a breath in this world doesn't mean we aren't moms. We are. And our hearts hurt and ache for our babies.
I've mentioned a friend of mine before who I haven't actually met. But we became pretty close when we were both trying to get pregnant. We have similar struggles. She became pregnant shortly after I did. When I lost Bootsie, she understood that I couldn't really be involved in her pregnancy at that time. But a few weeks ago, she texted me news that broke my heart. She went into labor and her daughter was born sleeping. She and her husband are, of course, devastated. They had a funeral for their daughter and she was worried that people would think she was trying to bring attention to herself. Or that people would think it was inappropriate.
It's ridiculous that my friend even had these thoughts come across her mind. Why should she feel like this? This is what she needed to do to start grieving. People just don't look at miscarriages and still born babies the same as other losses. Don't get me wrong...the death of a child at any age is a loss that no parent should ever have to experience. And I'm not discounting that. But, our losses shouldn't be discounted because we don't have memories of them. And because other's don't have memories of them. I have the memory of feelings with her. I have the memories of the 12 week ultrasound, when she was so active. I have the memories of Sean and I being so excited. We are parents.
I love her. I miss her every day. I'll never forget her.
I feel like this needs to be talked about more. I mean, I know it's not a pleasant topic. But, there are so many women going through this every day. And we have to grieve in silence a lot of the time. It's not fair. We have to hear the "Oh, you'll have a baby someday" comments when we already feel like we are moms. But people just don't get that. We don't want you to forget about our babies. We don't want you to feel uncomfortable to ask about our child. Or remember the birthday. Because pretending like it didn't happen makes me feel like it's unacceptable. And it's not.
(hopping off soap box)
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Blessings
The last 7 weeks have certainly not been my easiest. In fact, they've been some of the hardest of my life. And I feel like all I've been doing is complaining, especially on this blog. Of course, I know it's my blog and I can say what I want. As I've said before, it's been very therapeutic for me. And I hope that if at least one person who may be going through a similar situation reads it and it helps them, I'm happy with that.
Last night in the support group, a new couple came. They shared their story of losing their son at 34 weeks and how she almost lost her life too. The husband shared that he feels like he can't really grieve because he's so happy that his wife is alive and healthy. He's thankful for her life. Of course he's sad about their loss, but said he was just so grateful she was ok. This really got me thinking about my blessings. I don't talk about them nearly enough.
First of all, Sean. I know I've mentioned it many times before, but he's been my rock. My #1 supporter. I really couldn't ask for a better partner. He's there in the good times and the awful times. He's always there to listen to my craziness and my anxiety. He keeps me calm (or at least, he tries). He keeps me grounded, a lot of the time. He supports me in all aspects. He's been supportive and understanding during the last 2 years of grad school. I don't think I would have been able to even go if it weren't for him. He's appreciative of me. He loves me. I love that man..more than I can possibly say and am so thankful for him every day.
My friends. So many of my friends have been checking in on me. Offering their support. A lot of my classmates I consider friends and have been very supportive. Even though after we move back home, I'll probably never see most of them again (which, makes me sad) I can't even begin to explain how much it means to me that they were there during my darkest hour. I'll never forget that and will always be thankful. I'm glad that we live in a day where I can still keep in touch with all of them, even if I never actually see them again.
My mom. Even though she's 1100 miles away, she's been great. She listens to me cry. She encourages me. She reassures me. I know my mom is still hurting too, but she tries to put that on the back burner when we talk about it. I want to make her a grandmother so bad. And I will. And she knows I will. My mom will be one of the few people who will know when we get pregnant again and I can't wait to involve her in every aspect of it. I want her to be there for ultrasounds.
There are so many more things I'm thankful for. I'm thankful that we have insurance. I'm thankful that I'm able to get answers. I'm thankful we get to try again. I'm thankful I'm graduating in 42 days. I can't wait to work again.
Sean and I will be closing the New Jersey chapter of our life very soon, and I honestly can't wait to start the next one. It's going to be great.
Last night in the support group, a new couple came. They shared their story of losing their son at 34 weeks and how she almost lost her life too. The husband shared that he feels like he can't really grieve because he's so happy that his wife is alive and healthy. He's thankful for her life. Of course he's sad about their loss, but said he was just so grateful she was ok. This really got me thinking about my blessings. I don't talk about them nearly enough.
First of all, Sean. I know I've mentioned it many times before, but he's been my rock. My #1 supporter. I really couldn't ask for a better partner. He's there in the good times and the awful times. He's always there to listen to my craziness and my anxiety. He keeps me calm (or at least, he tries). He keeps me grounded, a lot of the time. He supports me in all aspects. He's been supportive and understanding during the last 2 years of grad school. I don't think I would have been able to even go if it weren't for him. He's appreciative of me. He loves me. I love that man..more than I can possibly say and am so thankful for him every day.
My friends. So many of my friends have been checking in on me. Offering their support. A lot of my classmates I consider friends and have been very supportive. Even though after we move back home, I'll probably never see most of them again (which, makes me sad) I can't even begin to explain how much it means to me that they were there during my darkest hour. I'll never forget that and will always be thankful. I'm glad that we live in a day where I can still keep in touch with all of them, even if I never actually see them again.
My mom. Even though she's 1100 miles away, she's been great. She listens to me cry. She encourages me. She reassures me. I know my mom is still hurting too, but she tries to put that on the back burner when we talk about it. I want to make her a grandmother so bad. And I will. And she knows I will. My mom will be one of the few people who will know when we get pregnant again and I can't wait to involve her in every aspect of it. I want her to be there for ultrasounds.
There are so many more things I'm thankful for. I'm thankful that we have insurance. I'm thankful that I'm able to get answers. I'm thankful we get to try again. I'm thankful I'm graduating in 42 days. I can't wait to work again.
Sean and I will be closing the New Jersey chapter of our life very soon, and I honestly can't wait to start the next one. It's going to be great.
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