Adulthood: Destroying your childhood memories since 2002!

I turned 18 in 2002. So, according to the law, I was an adult.

Fast forward to last weekend. "Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory is on! Wait...is it the original or that mess they called a remake? The original! Awesome." So, I watched it and immediately had several questions that I tweeted:

I'm watching the original Willy Wonka and I have questions. #1 - the candy store owner is totally a pedo, right?

#2 - where the hell does Charlie live? Cuz his surroundings say England but his voice says...somewhere like Cleveland or something.
#3 - four old people in a bed?? And they haven't been out of bed in 20 years?? They need to be hotlined. #bedsores #Wonka

#4 - cabbage water?? Wtf is that? And isn't cabbage the worst thing to give old people? #gas #Wonka

#5 who has the last name of Bucket? Like..the writer was like hmm..how can I make him sound poor. I know! Last name holds gross water!

At this point I stopped tweeting about the movie. Because it was kind of breaking my heart! I LOVED this movie when I was a child. But my adult mind can't enjoy it because it brings up WAY too many logical questions:

Why are all the children (besides Charlie) insufferable?

Does the German kid have diabetes? My guess is yes.

Did Veruca Salt grow up to become a failed pop star? That's what I think. Her dad could buy her whatever she wanted..including making her own CDs. I imagine that wouldn't go well. (Yes...I'm aware there is actually a performer named Veruca Salt & in no way am I saying this is her!)

The TV Kid. Still living at home, right? V Card fully in tact?

Did Violet have to have elective surgery to have her extra skin removed? Cuz your body can't bounce back from that shit.

The Oompaloompas. Slaves, right? Because at the end when (SPOILER ALERT) Willy Wonka gives the factory to Charlie, he says "Who will look after the Oompaloompas" like they were pets or something!

Speaking of Oompaloompas...radiation poisoning, right? I mean...orange skin? They need to see a doctor.

Charlie should consider how his taxes will look once he accepts the factory. That shit should get pricey.

Willy Wonka: Totally mentally ill.

You see? A good childhood memory ruined. Good news is though that I do have a lot of dreams still. Adult dreams. Although they don't involve flying cards or unicorns, I think they're pretty good. And totally attainable.