It shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that knows me that I am and have never been the most confident person. I second guess myself all the time. Stress about the "what ifs." Stop mysel from saying things or doing things in fear of people thinking I'm stupid, don't make sense or just pure rejection.
Today at my practicum, my supervisor had a very real conversation with me. She told me I'm a leader. She told me I have so much potential. She told me that I'm bright and receptive. She told me that there aren't many people in her life that "get it." Her life!
She basically feels like I am staying in my comfort zone and just "getting by" at my pracitcum and she's right. And I told her she's right. She feels as though if I don't get out of my comfort zone, I'm going to waste my skills. I told her she was right about that too. She asked me what I was afraid of. Rejection. Being uncomfortable. Myself.
Being made fun of growing up certainly didn't give me any sort of confidence boosts. I didn't think I was anything special. In fact, I thought I was a nobody. Once I graudated high school and went to college, I blended in. I didn't really join clubs. I did what I was supposed to do in terms of school work and that was about it. Until my senior year. My professors loved my research project. They told me it was good. They encouraged me to present it at the psychology conference (which I did). And it was fine!
The 4 year relationship with my ex also didn't help my confidence. He never complimented me. Everything was always my fault. I wasn't appreciated and I could feel it. But I didn't think I could do better. (Luckily...I came to my senses on that one...).
I don't take compliments well. Mainly because I didn't get many of them growing up (outside of my mom, of course). When my supervisor was saying all this good stuff about me, I actually teared up. I really look up to her and respect her. She thinks I'm awesome, basically. I didn't know how to handle that! When Sean & I started dating, he complimented me (and still does) all the time. I didn't know how to handle that! Why is taking compliments so hard for me?
Why am I so afraid to put myself out there professionally? I mean, in other aspects of my life...when I want to do something...I do it! I wanted to go to college? Done. When I got out of the relationship with my ex, I wanted to find the man I deserved. Done. I wanted to go to grad school? Done! I wanted to lose weight? Done. I can do anything I set my mind to. But why am I so afraid to be successful? I know that I have the skills to be a great social worker. I have great people skills and I've always been able to gain people's trust.
I have to be done with worrying about what other people think. It's time to stop letting others make me feel like a success or failure - that is within me. I know I can be successful. Yes, stepping outside of your comfort zone is hard...but the more you step outside your comfort zone, the bigger your comfort zone gets.
"You aren't mediocre, Sarah. Don't settle for it."
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