The Positives of my No Longer Positive

It's been a rough weekend. I have been depressed most of it. I haven't really laughed at much. I haven't wanted to really do anything except eat. Unfortunately, food is my coping mechanism. On Saturday, I randomly burst into tears 3 times. I'm doing better today, although I did have to hold back while I was at the gym.

I've been wallowing in self-pity. Negative talk. "I'll never get pregnant." I don't like this. So, I'm hoping that this post will put me on the road to recovery, so-to-speak. So, I'm going to list the positives of this situation:

1. I got pregnant the first treatment, of the first medicine, on the lowest dose. A lot of women don't even respond to this medicine. My doctor is increasing my dose to 100mg for the next cycle, so I'm hoping for better results (i.e. a "take home" baby).

2. I'm not dying. I know this is a weird thing to say. But, I'm acting as if I got a death sentence. I'm not sick. As far as my fertility diagnosis, I have a very mild diagnosis. I actually don't really have a diagnosis as much as a hormonal imbalance.

3. Timing. June 4th would have been my due date. While this date would have worked fine with school, in terms of moving, it did put a little snag in it. Our plan is to move right after graduation, which is May 14th. There's no way we'd be able to move until after I would have had the baby. And that would have made the move much more difficult.

In our apartment now, we wouldn't be able to set up a nursery. The best we would be able to do is a crib in our room. Our baby deserves a nursery.

I wouldn't be able to have a baby shower. We don't really have any support/friends here, therefore, no one to come to a baby shower.

My mom wouldn't be able to come see her first grandchild being born. This is something I want to be able to give my mom. Also, my mother-in-law wasn't able to be there when her 2 grandchildren were born, so it would be nice to have her there as well.

Despite all this, I still wanted this baby so much. I'm still completely heart broken. I'm hoping that I never have to go through a loss again.

I just need to get myself up, dust myself off and continue. I know our time is coming. I know that we will have our baby soon. My doctor is optimistic. Everyone around me is optimistic. I need to stop letting my negative talk override my optimism.

Heart Broken

On Sunday, I got 2 positive pregnancy tests. I tested again on Monday and the lines were darker. I was shocked, but very excited. On Tuesday, I got the pregnancy confirmed by a blood test. However, they did find that my progesterone was low so they started me on a supplement. I had to go back in today to make sure that my progesterone and hcg (pregnancy hormone) was going up. The actual doctor called me so I knew it wasn't good.

My hcg is dropping. I am miscarrying our baby. I cried for 2 hours. I'm fighting back tears typing this now. I'm incredibly heart broken.

I'm heart broken for myself because my desire to be a mommy is so strong. I'm heart broken for Sean because I know he's going to be an incredible daddy and I can't give that to him just yet. I'm heartbroken for my mom, who wants to be a grandmother so badly.

I'm also angry. Angry that this happened. Angry that life isn't fair. Angry that this is another struggle in my life. I'm just...angry.

I feel a little foolish for getting so damn excited. Excited that we'd have a baby right after I graduate. Excited we'd have a baby to dress up next Halloween. Excited for the start of our family. Apparently, it is not our time.

Initially, I didn't feel like this was our cycle. That it just wasn't right...yet. But when I got those positive tests...I was elated. My feeling was wrong! Then yesterday...I just didn't feel it anymore. But I figured it was my nerves or something. I was trying to brush off those negative feelings. I worry all the time...why should this be any different?

Even though I had these feelings...it doesn't change my broken heart. I wanted this baby so badly. I drowned my sorrow in a big mac and large fries and a giant diet coke. Although it's not the healthiest way to cope, it did make me feel a little better.

I know our time is coming. So the plan? Once I start my period, it'll be round 2 of Clomid days 3-7. The doctor is increasing my dose from 50mg to 100mg. I'm starting the process over. I'm hoping next month will be successful for us. I hope it'll bring us our sticky baby.

So, hug your babies a little tighter for me tonight. I just hope one day real soon I get to hug my own.

This & That

I officially completed my first week at my practicum. It's going to be a good placement for me and it'll definitely look good on my resume. It's going well so far. I did a lot of shadowing this week. I'm hoping I'll be doing some more hands on stuff soon.

The third week of school starts this week. I have a lot of assignments this semester, but luckily a few of them are group projects. I used to hate group projects, but now...they aren't so bad. You can divvy up the work between a few people and bam! You're done. I'm so ready to graduate it's not even funny. I'm having a really hard time getting back in school mode. I definitely need to spend some time reading for class...as I haven't done a lick of reading yet. I'll make time though...

And yes...I OVULATED! Good job, body, for doing what you're supposed to do! I temp my basal body temp and it happened last Tuesday. As far as timing, we couldn't have been much better. I go in tomorrow for a progesterone blood draw to confirm ovulation. Assuming this confirms it, I should know in less than 2 weeks what the outcome is. Of course I would like to see two lines. But, the fact that I did actually ovulate is exciting in and of itself. This is the first month since we started trying that we actually have a shot. So, it feels nice. If I don't get those two lines...well...on to next months! So keep your fingers crossed for me! Two lines!

Other than that, I really don't have a lot else going on. School is going to take the majority of my time until the end of April. But the faster school flies by, the quicker we get to move home. Not that I want to wish my life away, but I would like the next 8 months to fly by so we can be back in Missouri.

The egg is near...

Today I had my first post-Clomid ultrasound. The point of the ultrasound is to do two main things: Check the lining of your uterus and see if you have any eggs that are mature or close to mature. (Clomid can thin out lining). Also, if you have too many eggs that are mature, you could end up in a Jon & Kate Plus 8 situation...which I definitely don't want. Sean came with me since it was the first one and he was just interested in seeing my ovaries as well. I hope I get lucky and won't have to do this anymore, but if I do...I know he won't be able to go to every one with me. But it was nice having him with me for the first one. I love that man...

My lining was good. Seeing my ovaries/eggs on an ultrasound was an interesting experience. The good news is I have "plenty of eggs." You could see them, which was cool. I had a follicle on my right ovary that was 12mm, which is not mature. I had a bunch of other small ones but she didn't measure those since there was really no point. At first, I was disappointed because I have been having cramps for the last few days and had a lot on my right side yesterday. So I thought I was out. But then she moves to my left ovary and BAM! 17mm follicle!! The doc said that 18mm is mature and that I *should* ovulate this weekend. So yay for that! Please mature and release, ovary. Pretty please? You'll get 9 months off, if all goes well!

Then we got a sex schedule. No, she didn't write down anything, but she did tell us when to start/stop having sex. Sean joked "I'm not a machine." I'm excited and optimistic, which is good to feel. I'm realistic though, so I won't be *too* bummed if it doesn't happen this month. But the good news is that it appears I'm responding to the Clomid. I should hear about my bloodwork this afternoon. I go in on the 17th for a progesterone blood draw to confirm ovulation.

(not my ovary, but this gives you an idea of what we saw today)

 

 

 

 

The Color Run

Yesterday, Sean and I participated in The Color Run. If you're not familiar with this run, find out more info here.

We had so much fun and we plan to do it again. Next time, we'd like to do it with a group of friends. So, Kansas City 2013 Color Run...we're ready!

Anyway, the New Jersey run sold out (as a lot of them do) and they had over 15,000 people signed up. They staggered the start times because there were so many people. Luckily, we arrived at 6:30 and we were able to get in the first heat.

 



After we finished the run, I was surprised at how little we were colored. I was expected to be covered.

After the run, they have an "after party" type thing. There was a DJ and a crowd of people. That's where we ended up like this:

 

 

Highly recommended run. A lot of fun! It was probably the easiest 5K I've ever run.