Daddy Issues

I watched Fiddler on the Roof today...one of my favorite movies of all time. (Side note..I really want to see it on stage). Anyway...there's one part of the movie that ALWAYS makes me cry. The part where Tevye says goodbye to Hodel at the train station gets me every time. I know it's coming. And I know what it does to me. Every. Single. Time.

Yeah, yeah. I have daddy issues.

My mom was married to my father (the term used VERY loosely). Two years into their marriage, I arrived. A year after, they got divorced. It wasn't until a few years ago that I knew the whole story. He was abusive to my mom - emotionally, verbally and physically. This went on for years, from what I understand. My mom eventually was able to get out. And I've never met him, besides when I was a baby. Which...doesn't count. A few years ago, I found some letters he had written to my mom after they split up. He claimed that he wanted to be there for me. Blah blah blah.

I remember growing up, I had mixed feelings about it. My grandpa and I were best friends before he started to get dementia. I was also really close to one of my uncle's. So, I had positive male influences in my life and I didn't really realize I didn't have a dad. After my grandpa started getting sick is when I remember having anger toward my father for not being there. I was still young - 8 or so. And it was around the time my mom got remarried. My mom is still married to the same man and has been for almost 20 years. I call him "Mike" and have never referred to him as dad. It never felt right.

When I was 18 and a senior in high school, I connected with my father's sister in law. She informed me that she didn't have contact with him and gave me the last known address for him. In France. FRANCE. I wrote him. I sent him one of my senior pictures and an invitation to my graduation. I knew he wouldn't reply. And he didn't. I never got the letter returned. So, it's hard telling if he actually ever got it. Someone did.

My sensible and logical side of me knows that I'm better off for not knowing him. That....had my mom stayed with him, I'd probably be a child of domestic abuse. That my life would be completely different. But, the other side of me wants to meet him...just once. To let him know what I think and feel about him. For closure. I don't have that with him. I'll probably never have closure over this. Which is an awful feeling.

But I really want to know if I have half-siblings out there. He was 24 when they got divorced. Three years younger than I am now. I really would like to explore this, but I have no idea where I would start or how I would go about it. So for now...it's just a thought I have.

I do wish I had that daddy-daughter relationship. I've always been envious of those who have that. And I think that's why scenes such as in Fiddler on the Roof get to me. When I see a father and their child interacting, it gets to me. I don't tear up or cry or anything like that...but it's really warming to me. I do think about him on occasion - mainly on my birthday and big holidays - to wonder if I'm even a thought that crosses his mind...ever. The fact that he has a 27 year old daughter out there and he doesn't know me.

Since I was a child, I knew that the man I married had to be good father material. Because that's my thing. I want my children to have what I didn't - a father. A GOOD father. And I know Sean will be a great father...no doubt about that in my mind. He can teach our children things, play ball with them, and protect them. I look forward to having Sean's children. For us to start new traditions with them. And give them what I never had.