Choices & Changes

Do you ever stop to think about the choices you've made? What have you had made some other choice? Would your life be different?
Let me preface this post by saying: I'm very happy with my life. Despite the fact that we are currently having our own financial difficulties, I'm very happy. I have a wonderful husband. He's incredibly supportive of me. I never thought I'd get someone as good as him. Someone who is so compatible with me. Someone who is on the same page on everything as me. I know I'm lucky, because not everyone has that. I could go on and on about Sean (and I'm sure at some point I will...) but I digress.

Back to my original question: Do you ever think about the choices you've made? And how they have shaped your life? Or how the choices of others have shaped your life?

I've been thinking about this lately, and not becuase of anything that is going on with me, but my cousin. When I was 10, my aunt (her mother) was killed in a car accident. I will never forget the morning my mom came in to wake us up and tell us. It was New Year's Day. My mom, step-dad, my aunt and her boyfriend had went out. It starting snowing. My uncle was watching us. We watched Dunston Checks In and played a Mario game involving history (I don't remember the name). At midnight, me and my 2 cousins went out in the street to yell "Happy New Year." We went to bed after that. Then several hours later, my mom came and woke us up. My cousin, Alexis, just sat there. My other cousin (her brother), Kurt started crying immediately. I just sat there.

The story is long, but what ended up happening is that they each had to go live with their dads. Alexis went to Florida and Kurt went to Mississippi. My relationship with my cousins was never the same. We grew up together. They felt like my brother and sister to me. After they left, I held on to that. I, to this day, still want that feeling back. But I don't think it will ever happen. We each live in a different state. Kurt & Alexis have not had easy lives. Because their father's are complete assholes, they never got counseling for Alexis and Kurt. Because I mean, why would they need it? They just lost their mother, were torn from each other and torn from the family that knew and loved them. Both of my cousins have had drug issues. Both are currently clean, which I'm happy about. But, they still have some work to do.

Recently, Alexis lost her fiance of 6 years. She found him in the street. She's feeling completely lost. She has an 8 year old daughter, who has not taken his death well. He wasn't her biological father, but he treated her like his own. Alexis is now having financial troubles. And I wish I were in a more stable position financially to help her, especially with the holidays coming up. She hasn't really worked, as he took care of her. She's basically starting over. I'm trying to encourage her to go back to college, to help her future become more stable. I really wish she could come live with Sean & I. We could help her. But, she can't leave the state she lives in because of her daughter.

The choices that she had made has lead her to this point in her life (the death, of course, was not her choice. Obviously that's not what I'm saying). Being a self-reflective person, it's got me thinking about my choices. I've made good choices, but I've also made bad choices. But, I'm in a good place. I feel incredibly grateful about that. I wish that everyone could have this feeling that I have. You don't realize how your choices affect your future.

I go back to freshman year of college. I moved out of my mom's place. I lived in a small town. I HATED it. I hated high school. I hated everything about that area. I was never so eager to get out of one place. My first year of college was...interesting. I was really trying to figure out who I was. I started getting facial piercings. I drank...a lot. I still maintained decent grades in school, but it wasn't me. I prided myself on my grades in high school. I also met Jeremy that year, who is to this day, one of the few people who actually knows me. Who I know I can tell anything to. One of my best friends. I bonded really well with my dorm roommate. I almost moved in with her and her friend after that year. At the last minute, Jeremy told me he needed a roommate. Something told me moving in with him was the right thing for me to do.

I really think I would be living a completely different life had I not moved in with Jeremy. Don't get me wrong...Heidi is an awesome person. I miss her! But, Jeremy and I got really close. He introduced me to the place where we both worked. Where I met my ex-fiance. My ex-fiance is the reason I moved to Kansas City. Kansas City was where Sean was. And you know the rest. Of course, there were choices I made in between there. Some good. Some not so good. But now, I'm happy & healthy. I have no regrets. I've learned from the bad choices. I've also learned from the good ones.

I'm excited for the future. I'm excited to be done with grad school. I really feel like I can make a difference. I have a lot of emotion for certain populations. Things need to change. I'm hoping that because of my action, I can make changes in other's lives. In the meantime, I hope that I can support my family in their choices.