Y'all...
I love grad school. Yes, it's a challenge. And yes, it is putting me further in debt. But I love everything about it.
I'm working on my master's in social work. Which is a terminal degree...which means...no more schooling for me required :)
I'm pretty passionate about helping people. I do have my areas of interest (see previous post about giving back). And studying social work just makes me even more excited about being done and being out there practicing. I'm excited to get my license. I intend to get my license in clinical social work as well. I plan on doing a lot with that degree and that license.
I remember when I graduated 4 years ago with my bachelor's in psychology. I thought...well what now? I pretty much knew right away that I didn't want to go further with psychology. I love the subject of psychology. But...I knew it wasn't exactly where I wanted to be. I don't regret getting this degree .If anything, I think it'll help me be a stronger social worker. But I've always known that I wanted to be remembered for doing something great. And I don't mean remember by thousands or millions of people - I mean by at least one person. If I make an impact on one person's life...I'll be happy.
When I started college, I went in as an education major. I thought...well we all have that one teacher we remember, right? So, I'll do that and be remembered in that regard. I took one education class and quickly dropped that major. It was not for me. I eventually chose psychology because I really liked my psyc professors and the topic.
I don't mean to make a blanket statement...but I think a lot of social workers out there are burnt out. Done. I feel like when working with risky or "disadvantaged" populations...one needs to have a heightened sense of compassion and sympathy/empathy. I've seen social workers talk to their clients horribly before. And I don't like that. I mean...isn't it enough that people have to be "in the system" and struggle every day? And then to have the person who is helping them be rude to them? No.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm very realistc. I know that clients can be exhausting. And they have to given respect to get respect. And that clients can sometimes be very nasty to us. I know all that. I've seen and experienced all of that. But people aren't born that way. Experiences and past people they have associated with have made them like that. So maybe...if I can show some compassion and empathy to my clients...their attitude may change.
Grad school is my way to finally get the job I want. To finally help the people I want to help, in the capacity I want to help them. To make a difference. To advocate. To change.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
Let's talk about the Midwest...
My original intent for this blog was to talk about moving to the East Coast and differences I encounter, etc. Of course, not all of my blog posts can be about that. But I don't think I've made one about that...except that old...rant about NJ being full of a-holes :)
When I was living in Missouri/Kansas, I remember thinking how boring it was. How I wanted to get out. What was it like living in other parts of the country? I never thought I would actually be living in another part of the country. And I thought, if it ever did happen, I'd never want to look back. And I'd want to hide the fact that that's where I'm from.
If anything, living in NJ has made me very APPRECIATIVE of living in the Midwest. Sometimes, I actually MISS it. (I know...I know.)
Today at my pracitcum, I was talking to one of the staff there about the town I grew up in. When I casually mentioned that the town only had 600 people, her eyes got big. Like, she couldn't believe towns like that exist. Her eyes almost popped out when I mentioned the fact that I only graduated high school with 34 other people. Now, us that grew up in the midwest know that my story is pretty common. These towns are plentiful in the midwest. But they do not exist in New Jersey. In fact, I do believe all of New Jersey's counties are considered urban. Or something like that.
When I was growing up, the town did not have cops. We had, what we called, a "rent a cop" who would hang out in the town for a few hours, usually on Friday and/or Saturdays. Or, this cop would travel to the other small towns nearby too. We didn't lock our cars, ever. In fact, my step-dad left (and I think still leaves) his keys in the car. The town where I'm from, everyone knows everyone and their business.
I will say this - I HATE the town where I grew up (Sorry if I offend anyone who actually still lives there and is reading this). I hated everything about it. It's a very conservative town, very country and very simple. Everyone likes country music. A town like that is not a place for a gal like me - who is the very opposite of all those things. I never felt like I fit in there, although I lived there for 10 years. I could not get out of the town fast enough.
I lived in Columbia, MO (a college town) for 4 years and then in Kansas City for 4 years. I enjoyed living in both of those towns/cities and would live in either again. Mainly because both of those towns are near and dear to my heart - and have people living there who are near and dear to my heart.
But there's something about the feeling of the midwest. Something that is lacking here in Jersey. In the midwest, you say hi to strangers, whether it be the clerk at the convenience store or someone you're walking by. People don't do that here. I miss pumping my own gas, believe it or not. That's the weirdest damn law I've ever heard of - you can't pump your own gas. Stupid. And goddamit, I miss Quik Trip. WHY DON'T THEY HAVE QUIK TRIP HERE?! Also? Jason's Deli. I've been jonesin' for some Jason's Deli...and it will be consumed on our next visit home.
But I think mostly...I miss my friends and family. Don't get me wrong...I'm incredibly happy to be on this adventure with Sean. I love him more than I can possibly say and I think we've grown stronger as a couple. But I miss my mom, my step dad. I miss my friends. I haven't made any friends here yet...and I ache for my friends and family. What makes it even worse is that we can't make it home for the holidays this year. But, we do have tickets purchased for a trip home in March. So, I'm very much looking forward to that.
If I could have anything in the world....it'd be to have all my friends and family here. Then..the things I love the most about the midwest would be here...and I'd feel like I was home.
When I was living in Missouri/Kansas, I remember thinking how boring it was. How I wanted to get out. What was it like living in other parts of the country? I never thought I would actually be living in another part of the country. And I thought, if it ever did happen, I'd never want to look back. And I'd want to hide the fact that that's where I'm from.
If anything, living in NJ has made me very APPRECIATIVE of living in the Midwest. Sometimes, I actually MISS it. (I know...I know.)
Today at my pracitcum, I was talking to one of the staff there about the town I grew up in. When I casually mentioned that the town only had 600 people, her eyes got big. Like, she couldn't believe towns like that exist. Her eyes almost popped out when I mentioned the fact that I only graduated high school with 34 other people. Now, us that grew up in the midwest know that my story is pretty common. These towns are plentiful in the midwest. But they do not exist in New Jersey. In fact, I do believe all of New Jersey's counties are considered urban. Or something like that.
When I was growing up, the town did not have cops. We had, what we called, a "rent a cop" who would hang out in the town for a few hours, usually on Friday and/or Saturdays. Or, this cop would travel to the other small towns nearby too. We didn't lock our cars, ever. In fact, my step-dad left (and I think still leaves) his keys in the car. The town where I'm from, everyone knows everyone and their business.
I will say this - I HATE the town where I grew up (Sorry if I offend anyone who actually still lives there and is reading this). I hated everything about it. It's a very conservative town, very country and very simple. Everyone likes country music. A town like that is not a place for a gal like me - who is the very opposite of all those things. I never felt like I fit in there, although I lived there for 10 years. I could not get out of the town fast enough.
I lived in Columbia, MO (a college town) for 4 years and then in Kansas City for 4 years. I enjoyed living in both of those towns/cities and would live in either again. Mainly because both of those towns are near and dear to my heart - and have people living there who are near and dear to my heart.
But there's something about the feeling of the midwest. Something that is lacking here in Jersey. In the midwest, you say hi to strangers, whether it be the clerk at the convenience store or someone you're walking by. People don't do that here. I miss pumping my own gas, believe it or not. That's the weirdest damn law I've ever heard of - you can't pump your own gas. Stupid. And goddamit, I miss Quik Trip. WHY DON'T THEY HAVE QUIK TRIP HERE?! Also? Jason's Deli. I've been jonesin' for some Jason's Deli...and it will be consumed on our next visit home.
But I think mostly...I miss my friends and family. Don't get me wrong...I'm incredibly happy to be on this adventure with Sean. I love him more than I can possibly say and I think we've grown stronger as a couple. But I miss my mom, my step dad. I miss my friends. I haven't made any friends here yet...and I ache for my friends and family. What makes it even worse is that we can't make it home for the holidays this year. But, we do have tickets purchased for a trip home in March. So, I'm very much looking forward to that.
If I could have anything in the world....it'd be to have all my friends and family here. Then..the things I love the most about the midwest would be here...and I'd feel like I was home.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Daddy Issues
I watched Fiddler on the Roof today...one of my favorite movies of all time. (Side note..I really want to see it on stage). Anyway...there's one part of the movie that ALWAYS makes me cry. The part where Tevye says goodbye to Hodel at the train station gets me every time. I know it's coming. And I know what it does to me. Every. Single. Time.
Yeah, yeah. I have daddy issues.
My mom was married to my father (the term used VERY loosely). Two years into their marriage, I arrived. A year after, they got divorced. It wasn't until a few years ago that I knew the whole story. He was abusive to my mom - emotionally, verbally and physically. This went on for years, from what I understand. My mom eventually was able to get out. And I've never met him, besides when I was a baby. Which...doesn't count. A few years ago, I found some letters he had written to my mom after they split up. He claimed that he wanted to be there for me. Blah blah blah.
I remember growing up, I had mixed feelings about it. My grandpa and I were best friends before he started to get dementia. I was also really close to one of my uncle's. So, I had positive male influences in my life and I didn't really realize I didn't have a dad. After my grandpa started getting sick is when I remember having anger toward my father for not being there. I was still young - 8 or so. And it was around the time my mom got remarried. My mom is still married to the same man and has been for almost 20 years. I call him "Mike" and have never referred to him as dad. It never felt right.
When I was 18 and a senior in high school, I connected with my father's sister in law. She informed me that she didn't have contact with him and gave me the last known address for him. In France. FRANCE. I wrote him. I sent him one of my senior pictures and an invitation to my graduation. I knew he wouldn't reply. And he didn't. I never got the letter returned. So, it's hard telling if he actually ever got it. Someone did.
My sensible and logical side of me knows that I'm better off for not knowing him. That....had my mom stayed with him, I'd probably be a child of domestic abuse. That my life would be completely different. But, the other side of me wants to meet him...just once. To let him know what I think and feel about him. For closure. I don't have that with him. I'll probably never have closure over this. Which is an awful feeling.
But I really want to know if I have half-siblings out there. He was 24 when they got divorced. Three years younger than I am now. I really would like to explore this, but I have no idea where I would start or how I would go about it. So for now...it's just a thought I have.
I do wish I had that daddy-daughter relationship. I've always been envious of those who have that. And I think that's why scenes such as in Fiddler on the Roof get to me. When I see a father and their child interacting, it gets to me. I don't tear up or cry or anything like that...but it's really warming to me. I do think about him on occasion - mainly on my birthday and big holidays - to wonder if I'm even a thought that crosses his mind...ever. The fact that he has a 27 year old daughter out there and he doesn't know me.
Since I was a child, I knew that the man I married had to be good father material. Because that's my thing. I want my children to have what I didn't - a father. A GOOD father. And I know Sean will be a great father...no doubt about that in my mind. He can teach our children things, play ball with them, and protect them. I look forward to having Sean's children. For us to start new traditions with them. And give them what I never had.
Yeah, yeah. I have daddy issues.
My mom was married to my father (the term used VERY loosely). Two years into their marriage, I arrived. A year after, they got divorced. It wasn't until a few years ago that I knew the whole story. He was abusive to my mom - emotionally, verbally and physically. This went on for years, from what I understand. My mom eventually was able to get out. And I've never met him, besides when I was a baby. Which...doesn't count. A few years ago, I found some letters he had written to my mom after they split up. He claimed that he wanted to be there for me. Blah blah blah.
I remember growing up, I had mixed feelings about it. My grandpa and I were best friends before he started to get dementia. I was also really close to one of my uncle's. So, I had positive male influences in my life and I didn't really realize I didn't have a dad. After my grandpa started getting sick is when I remember having anger toward my father for not being there. I was still young - 8 or so. And it was around the time my mom got remarried. My mom is still married to the same man and has been for almost 20 years. I call him "Mike" and have never referred to him as dad. It never felt right.
When I was 18 and a senior in high school, I connected with my father's sister in law. She informed me that she didn't have contact with him and gave me the last known address for him. In France. FRANCE. I wrote him. I sent him one of my senior pictures and an invitation to my graduation. I knew he wouldn't reply. And he didn't. I never got the letter returned. So, it's hard telling if he actually ever got it. Someone did.
My sensible and logical side of me knows that I'm better off for not knowing him. That....had my mom stayed with him, I'd probably be a child of domestic abuse. That my life would be completely different. But, the other side of me wants to meet him...just once. To let him know what I think and feel about him. For closure. I don't have that with him. I'll probably never have closure over this. Which is an awful feeling.
But I really want to know if I have half-siblings out there. He was 24 when they got divorced. Three years younger than I am now. I really would like to explore this, but I have no idea where I would start or how I would go about it. So for now...it's just a thought I have.
I do wish I had that daddy-daughter relationship. I've always been envious of those who have that. And I think that's why scenes such as in Fiddler on the Roof get to me. When I see a father and their child interacting, it gets to me. I don't tear up or cry or anything like that...but it's really warming to me. I do think about him on occasion - mainly on my birthday and big holidays - to wonder if I'm even a thought that crosses his mind...ever. The fact that he has a 27 year old daughter out there and he doesn't know me.
Since I was a child, I knew that the man I married had to be good father material. Because that's my thing. I want my children to have what I didn't - a father. A GOOD father. And I know Sean will be a great father...no doubt about that in my mind. He can teach our children things, play ball with them, and protect them. I look forward to having Sean's children. For us to start new traditions with them. And give them what I never had.
Friday, November 11, 2011
My Passion & Giving Back
As most of you (and by most of you, I mean the 5 people that read my blog) know, I'm currently in grad school, working toward my master's in social work. Next May, I'll have my degree and will be a real-life social worker. I'm very anxious and excited for that day.
In particular, I'm very passionate about the aging population. I have other populations I'm passionate about too - LGBT & MR/DD - but the aging popuation really sparks a fire in me.
This passion started as I really got into my first job after I graduated college. I did case management for an agency that served adults with mental illness. In particular, I was on the older adult team, so all of my clients were 50 and older (Side Note: I do NOT consider 50 to be an older adult, but that's a moot point...). Anyway, My client's ages ranged from 50-90. I loved being able to see all of my clients on a weekly basis. It was great experience for me to learn how to interact with "clients" and get to know a lot about mental illness. After 15 months, I left that job and started working in Adult Protective Services.
I'll be 100% honest - I had never heard of Adult Protective Services (APS) before I started working that job. I was like... wha? Although this was a very challenging job, I have no regrets about working there. I got exposed to SO much. The thing I saw the most was older adults who didn't know their options. Who accepted where they were and what was happening because they felt like they had to, because they were bullied in to it. Adults that accepted the abuse and/or neglect because if they made certain people in their life go away, they wouldn't have anyone. In their eyes, a shitty person is better than no person at all. I thought...how can someone live for xx amount of years and put up with this? I think that once you reach a certain age, you DESERVE to be able to relax and not have to worry about bullshit.
I think it's absolutely sad how the United States views older adults. Expendable. Useless. It's disgusting. Why do we not value experience and wisdom? Instead, we value youth. We value perfect bodies. Great hair. Did you know that older aged individuals, men in particular, have one of the highest suicide rates? I truly believe that if our country valued this popualtion and respected this population, the suicide rates would be low. Think about it. If you were "old" and didn't get the respect you deserved, people thought you should be in a nursing home, shouldn't be driving and your kids didn't come see you...wouldn't you question the purpose of continuing to live? And let's not forget, we will all be old one day. Do we want to be viewed as useless? Expendable? In the way?
I don't.
I think it's funny how we close our eyes and plug our ears to aging. Like it's not going to happen. Like we won't be old one day. It's going to happen. Sure, it's going to take a long time to get there. But it will happen. And if we don't act now, we're all going to be viewed as a waste of space and everyone will think that we need to be in nursing homes.
My grand plan of my career is that eventually, I want to be an educator. I want to speak to groups about planning for aging. Educating groups about the resources that are out there. I also would love to speak about how valuable everyone is - even if we are old. I'd love to become respected enough to be invited to speak nationwide...maybe even worldwide. When I'm old, I hope that my grandkids and, god willing, great grandkids will come to me for advice. Because they'll respect me. Because they value me.
Being a reflective person, I really think that I've always had this passion, but the experience I've gained really ignited it. I lost my grandma when I was 4 years old. My grandma was a kid during WW2. She grew up in Germany. She met my grandpa when he was in the service. I would give ANYTHING if I could have one day with her. To learn from her. To ask her questions. My grandpa died when I was 14, but started developing dementia/alzheimer's when I was 7 or so. He was in the army for 20+ years. Again, I would LOVE to have just one day with him. And not having my biological father in my life, I don't know anything about his parents. I missed out on having grandparents. But please don't misinterpret what I say - I never replace my grandparents with my clients. I just think this is why I am so passionate about this population.
I know it's going to take me a while to achieve my career goals. I have so much more to learn. But I'm excited to get started :)
Also, as part of me becoming a social worker, I am very passionate about giving back. I donate when I can. Financially, we don't really have much right now. But, in the past, we've always participated in food drives when they are around. Last year, Sean and I donated to the YMCA by picking one of those angel things off the tree at our gym and buying a gift for a child. We also donate blood and plaetlets on a regular basis. Since right now I can't give financially, I'm growing my hair out so that I can donate to locks of love.
I wish more people would give back. I know that a lot of people do. But so many that can...don't. I'm not judging anyone, of course. Maybe it's lack of education. Maybe it's fear. I dunno. Maybe I can inspire someone :)
In particular, I'm very passionate about the aging population. I have other populations I'm passionate about too - LGBT & MR/DD - but the aging popuation really sparks a fire in me.
This passion started as I really got into my first job after I graduated college. I did case management for an agency that served adults with mental illness. In particular, I was on the older adult team, so all of my clients were 50 and older (Side Note: I do NOT consider 50 to be an older adult, but that's a moot point...). Anyway, My client's ages ranged from 50-90. I loved being able to see all of my clients on a weekly basis. It was great experience for me to learn how to interact with "clients" and get to know a lot about mental illness. After 15 months, I left that job and started working in Adult Protective Services.
I'll be 100% honest - I had never heard of Adult Protective Services (APS) before I started working that job. I was like... wha? Although this was a very challenging job, I have no regrets about working there. I got exposed to SO much. The thing I saw the most was older adults who didn't know their options. Who accepted where they were and what was happening because they felt like they had to, because they were bullied in to it. Adults that accepted the abuse and/or neglect because if they made certain people in their life go away, they wouldn't have anyone. In their eyes, a shitty person is better than no person at all. I thought...how can someone live for xx amount of years and put up with this? I think that once you reach a certain age, you DESERVE to be able to relax and not have to worry about bullshit.
I think it's absolutely sad how the United States views older adults. Expendable. Useless. It's disgusting. Why do we not value experience and wisdom? Instead, we value youth. We value perfect bodies. Great hair. Did you know that older aged individuals, men in particular, have one of the highest suicide rates? I truly believe that if our country valued this popualtion and respected this population, the suicide rates would be low. Think about it. If you were "old" and didn't get the respect you deserved, people thought you should be in a nursing home, shouldn't be driving and your kids didn't come see you...wouldn't you question the purpose of continuing to live? And let's not forget, we will all be old one day. Do we want to be viewed as useless? Expendable? In the way?
I don't.
I think it's funny how we close our eyes and plug our ears to aging. Like it's not going to happen. Like we won't be old one day. It's going to happen. Sure, it's going to take a long time to get there. But it will happen. And if we don't act now, we're all going to be viewed as a waste of space and everyone will think that we need to be in nursing homes.
My grand plan of my career is that eventually, I want to be an educator. I want to speak to groups about planning for aging. Educating groups about the resources that are out there. I also would love to speak about how valuable everyone is - even if we are old. I'd love to become respected enough to be invited to speak nationwide...maybe even worldwide. When I'm old, I hope that my grandkids and, god willing, great grandkids will come to me for advice. Because they'll respect me. Because they value me.
Being a reflective person, I really think that I've always had this passion, but the experience I've gained really ignited it. I lost my grandma when I was 4 years old. My grandma was a kid during WW2. She grew up in Germany. She met my grandpa when he was in the service. I would give ANYTHING if I could have one day with her. To learn from her. To ask her questions. My grandpa died when I was 14, but started developing dementia/alzheimer's when I was 7 or so. He was in the army for 20+ years. Again, I would LOVE to have just one day with him. And not having my biological father in my life, I don't know anything about his parents. I missed out on having grandparents. But please don't misinterpret what I say - I never replace my grandparents with my clients. I just think this is why I am so passionate about this population.
I know it's going to take me a while to achieve my career goals. I have so much more to learn. But I'm excited to get started :)
Also, as part of me becoming a social worker, I am very passionate about giving back. I donate when I can. Financially, we don't really have much right now. But, in the past, we've always participated in food drives when they are around. Last year, Sean and I donated to the YMCA by picking one of those angel things off the tree at our gym and buying a gift for a child. We also donate blood and plaetlets on a regular basis. Since right now I can't give financially, I'm growing my hair out so that I can donate to locks of love.
I wish more people would give back. I know that a lot of people do. But so many that can...don't. I'm not judging anyone, of course. Maybe it's lack of education. Maybe it's fear. I dunno. Maybe I can inspire someone :)
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Choices & Changes
Do you ever stop to think about the choices you've made? What have you had made some other choice? Would your life be different?
Let me preface this post by saying: I'm very happy with my life. Despite the fact that we are currently having our own financial difficulties, I'm very happy. I have a wonderful husband. He's incredibly supportive of me. I never thought I'd get someone as good as him. Someone who is so compatible with me. Someone who is on the same page on everything as me. I know I'm lucky, because not everyone has that. I could go on and on about Sean (and I'm sure at some point I will...) but I digress.
Back to my original question: Do you ever think about the choices you've made? And how they have shaped your life? Or how the choices of others have shaped your life?
I've been thinking about this lately, and not becuase of anything that is going on with me, but my cousin. When I was 10, my aunt (her mother) was killed in a car accident. I will never forget the morning my mom came in to wake us up and tell us. It was New Year's Day. My mom, step-dad, my aunt and her boyfriend had went out. It starting snowing. My uncle was watching us. We watched Dunston Checks In and played a Mario game involving history (I don't remember the name). At midnight, me and my 2 cousins went out in the street to yell "Happy New Year." We went to bed after that. Then several hours later, my mom came and woke us up. My cousin, Alexis, just sat there. My other cousin (her brother), Kurt started crying immediately. I just sat there.
The story is long, but what ended up happening is that they each had to go live with their dads. Alexis went to Florida and Kurt went to Mississippi. My relationship with my cousins was never the same. We grew up together. They felt like my brother and sister to me. After they left, I held on to that. I, to this day, still want that feeling back. But I don't think it will ever happen. We each live in a different state. Kurt & Alexis have not had easy lives. Because their father's are complete assholes, they never got counseling for Alexis and Kurt. Because I mean, why would they need it? They just lost their mother, were torn from each other and torn from the family that knew and loved them. Both of my cousins have had drug issues. Both are currently clean, which I'm happy about. But, they still have some work to do.
Recently, Alexis lost her fiance of 6 years. She found him in the street. She's feeling completely lost. She has an 8 year old daughter, who has not taken his death well. He wasn't her biological father, but he treated her like his own. Alexis is now having financial troubles. And I wish I were in a more stable position financially to help her, especially with the holidays coming up. She hasn't really worked, as he took care of her. She's basically starting over. I'm trying to encourage her to go back to college, to help her future become more stable. I really wish she could come live with Sean & I. We could help her. But, she can't leave the state she lives in because of her daughter.
The choices that she had made has lead her to this point in her life (the death, of course, was not her choice. Obviously that's not what I'm saying). Being a self-reflective person, it's got me thinking about my choices. I've made good choices, but I've also made bad choices. But, I'm in a good place. I feel incredibly grateful about that. I wish that everyone could have this feeling that I have. You don't realize how your choices affect your future.
I go back to freshman year of college. I moved out of my mom's place. I lived in a small town. I HATED it. I hated high school. I hated everything about that area. I was never so eager to get out of one place. My first year of college was...interesting. I was really trying to figure out who I was. I started getting facial piercings. I drank...a lot. I still maintained decent grades in school, but it wasn't me. I prided myself on my grades in high school. I also met Jeremy that year, who is to this day, one of the few people who actually knows me. Who I know I can tell anything to. One of my best friends. I bonded really well with my dorm roommate. I almost moved in with her and her friend after that year. At the last minute, Jeremy told me he needed a roommate. Something told me moving in with him was the right thing for me to do.
I really think I would be living a completely different life had I not moved in with Jeremy. Don't get me wrong...Heidi is an awesome person. I miss her! But, Jeremy and I got really close. He introduced me to the place where we both worked. Where I met my ex-fiance. My ex-fiance is the reason I moved to Kansas City. Kansas City was where Sean was. And you know the rest. Of course, there were choices I made in between there. Some good. Some not so good. But now, I'm happy & healthy. I have no regrets. I've learned from the bad choices. I've also learned from the good ones.
I'm excited for the future. I'm excited to be done with grad school. I really feel like I can make a difference. I have a lot of emotion for certain populations. Things need to change. I'm hoping that because of my action, I can make changes in other's lives. In the meantime, I hope that I can support my family in their choices.
Let me preface this post by saying: I'm very happy with my life. Despite the fact that we are currently having our own financial difficulties, I'm very happy. I have a wonderful husband. He's incredibly supportive of me. I never thought I'd get someone as good as him. Someone who is so compatible with me. Someone who is on the same page on everything as me. I know I'm lucky, because not everyone has that. I could go on and on about Sean (and I'm sure at some point I will...) but I digress.
Back to my original question: Do you ever think about the choices you've made? And how they have shaped your life? Or how the choices of others have shaped your life?
I've been thinking about this lately, and not becuase of anything that is going on with me, but my cousin. When I was 10, my aunt (her mother) was killed in a car accident. I will never forget the morning my mom came in to wake us up and tell us. It was New Year's Day. My mom, step-dad, my aunt and her boyfriend had went out. It starting snowing. My uncle was watching us. We watched Dunston Checks In and played a Mario game involving history (I don't remember the name). At midnight, me and my 2 cousins went out in the street to yell "Happy New Year." We went to bed after that. Then several hours later, my mom came and woke us up. My cousin, Alexis, just sat there. My other cousin (her brother), Kurt started crying immediately. I just sat there.
The story is long, but what ended up happening is that they each had to go live with their dads. Alexis went to Florida and Kurt went to Mississippi. My relationship with my cousins was never the same. We grew up together. They felt like my brother and sister to me. After they left, I held on to that. I, to this day, still want that feeling back. But I don't think it will ever happen. We each live in a different state. Kurt & Alexis have not had easy lives. Because their father's are complete assholes, they never got counseling for Alexis and Kurt. Because I mean, why would they need it? They just lost their mother, were torn from each other and torn from the family that knew and loved them. Both of my cousins have had drug issues. Both are currently clean, which I'm happy about. But, they still have some work to do.
Recently, Alexis lost her fiance of 6 years. She found him in the street. She's feeling completely lost. She has an 8 year old daughter, who has not taken his death well. He wasn't her biological father, but he treated her like his own. Alexis is now having financial troubles. And I wish I were in a more stable position financially to help her, especially with the holidays coming up. She hasn't really worked, as he took care of her. She's basically starting over. I'm trying to encourage her to go back to college, to help her future become more stable. I really wish she could come live with Sean & I. We could help her. But, she can't leave the state she lives in because of her daughter.
The choices that she had made has lead her to this point in her life (the death, of course, was not her choice. Obviously that's not what I'm saying). Being a self-reflective person, it's got me thinking about my choices. I've made good choices, but I've also made bad choices. But, I'm in a good place. I feel incredibly grateful about that. I wish that everyone could have this feeling that I have. You don't realize how your choices affect your future.
I go back to freshman year of college. I moved out of my mom's place. I lived in a small town. I HATED it. I hated high school. I hated everything about that area. I was never so eager to get out of one place. My first year of college was...interesting. I was really trying to figure out who I was. I started getting facial piercings. I drank...a lot. I still maintained decent grades in school, but it wasn't me. I prided myself on my grades in high school. I also met Jeremy that year, who is to this day, one of the few people who actually knows me. Who I know I can tell anything to. One of my best friends. I bonded really well with my dorm roommate. I almost moved in with her and her friend after that year. At the last minute, Jeremy told me he needed a roommate. Something told me moving in with him was the right thing for me to do.
I really think I would be living a completely different life had I not moved in with Jeremy. Don't get me wrong...Heidi is an awesome person. I miss her! But, Jeremy and I got really close. He introduced me to the place where we both worked. Where I met my ex-fiance. My ex-fiance is the reason I moved to Kansas City. Kansas City was where Sean was. And you know the rest. Of course, there were choices I made in between there. Some good. Some not so good. But now, I'm happy & healthy. I have no regrets. I've learned from the bad choices. I've also learned from the good ones.
I'm excited for the future. I'm excited to be done with grad school. I really feel like I can make a difference. I have a lot of emotion for certain populations. Things need to change. I'm hoping that because of my action, I can make changes in other's lives. In the meantime, I hope that I can support my family in their choices.
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