The most beautiful rainbow

March 11, 2014. The day I saw the most beautiful rainbow.

This was the day that Sean and I were finally blessed with our baby.

Because he stayed sideways the whole time, I elected to have a C-section. I was given the option a few weeks before to try to have them flip him from the outside. I didn't want to do this because the success rates weren't great. Plus, stressing the baby out which would lead to an emergency C-section was also a possibility. This wasn't worth the risk, so I just decided to let him be and schedule a C-section. Plus, I figured he was in there the way he was for a reason, so why bug him?

The morning of the procedure, we got to the hospital at 6 am. I got labs drawn and up to the floor I went. They started the IV and made sure the baby was still sideways via ultrasound. I knew he was. He had his head in my ribs almost the whole time. Once they did what they had to do, in to the OR I went. I was nervous. They had to use an ultrasound on my back to start the spinal block because apparently my spine is "kind of crooked." That took a while. It stung. At one point, it felt like I got shocked once they got the catheter in. Once they laid me down, I started to get really hot. My blood pressure rose so they had to give me medicine to bring it down. By the time they got Sean, they had already started cutting me open.

 





It took them a while to get him out. They were pushing like crazy on me. The doc told us after that his arm popped out first. Apparently all the pushing was stressing him out. They had to get him out feet first. So, it made me glad that I elected not to try to flip him before.

At 8:11am, our beautiful baby was born. Carter Isaac. The love of our lives. He was 9lbs 2.4oz and 21 1/4 inches long. And he's perfect. We both cried when he was born. I have so much more to write about but for now, pictures of our beautiful rainbow.

One Year

Today is my second day home sick. Yesterday I woke up nauseous. By the time I got half-way to work, I felt like a bus had hit me. I turned around and came home. Spent the day in bed with a fever and not eating. My being sick really could not have come at a worse time.

Today is February 12th. Exactly one year ago today was the worst day of my life. I can still feel every feeling from that day. I can relive it in my mind as if it happened yesterday. It's the day that we found out our sweet little Bootsie was gone.

It's hard to believe that it's been one whole year already. This past year has been a roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes I still can't believe that everything that has happened, has happened.

And so that's why being sick today, of all days, is the worst timing possible. I spent most of yesterday worried about the baby. Was he ok? Is he going to get sick too? Am I going to relive the nightmare all over again? I called my OB's office and was basically told just to drink plenty of fluids and try to eat if I could. And luckily, he moved a lot yesterday, which was reassuring. Plus, I have the fetal doppler which gives me extra piece of mind.

It's a weird thing...being pregnant while part of you still grieves for the child you lost. I'm so grateful for the little life growing inside of me. But I still miss her. Think about her. But, I know I wouldn't have this little boy coming if I had her. It's hard to describe or put into words.

I'm just about 36 weeks pregnant. In the next month, I'll finally have my rainbow baby. We have our International Star Registry certificate hanging just outside of the nursery. And when he's old enough, I plan to explain it all to him. That he has a big sister who will always watch over him. I never want to minimize her life. And I certainly don't want him to think he's a replacement.

She'll always be our first baby, even though we never got to hold her. Always in our hearts.

If you're interested, you can read the blog post from that day here.

Thankful

Every year I have a lot to be thankful for. But, this year I feel even more thankful, grateful...for everything that I have.

I'm of course thankful for my health and everything that goes with that - my ability to walk, see, smell, etc.

I'm thankful for my job. After being in grad school for 2 years and not really working, it feels really amazing to be employed again. I'm also thankful to have expendable income again.

I'm thankful to be home. I never imagined it could feel so good to be in Missouri again.

I'm thankful for my family. It's nice to be near them again.

I'm thankful for my friends, who are my family.

I'm thankful for Tank. He's the best dog anyone could have and he's ours.

I'm thankful for Sean, who I fall in love with more every year that goes by. This past year, in particular, has not been the easiest. But together, we got through it. And I know that no matter what happens, he'll always be by my side. His unconditional love, his patience, his support, his love....I really couldn't ask for a better husband. A better partner.

I'm thankful for Bootsie. She gave me hope. She made me feel ridiculous love. Although I only got to carry her for 18 weeks, I remember the feelings and I'll never forget them. She'll always be my first baby. I'll never forget her.

I'm thankful for Sunny. Every stretch mark. Every pound gained. Every ache & pain. He's worth everything. I feel so grateful to not only have gotten pregnant without intervention, but to be pregnant, period. I cannot wait until March. I want to hold him. Hear him cry. Nurse him. Change his diapers. Spend sleepless nights with him. I can't wait for all of that. Sean & I couldn't be more excited for his arrival. Our lives are going to change, but for the better.

It's really hard to express how blessed I feel this year. This year has been hard, but I'm grateful for all of the experiences. It's made me a stronger person. A better person. I know 2014 is going to be amazing and I can't wait.

The Secret's Out

It's been a minute (or several) since I last wrote. I've been DYING to write over the past few months, but decided to keep mum. But we are finally ready to tell everyone that we're expecting! So, here's the story...

So We moved back home in May. Sean and I had already decided to start trying again in April. And given our history, we went ahead and scheduled an appointment with a specialist for the end of May. So, that appointment came and went, which I blogged about here.  Little did we know, that would be the only appointment we would need. I was supposed to have another HSG the day after I wrote that post. But that never happened.

Side note: (And TMI for probably some) - 6 weeks after the D&E, my body started regulating itself. I had monthly periods. Which meant I was ovulating. On my own. But when we went to the specialist here in Columbia, he wasn't convinced my body just suddenly started doing that. Which is why we scheduled the HSG. Because the plan was to start the medicine again once that was done.

Anyway, the HSG never happened. Because my period hadn't stopped yet. If I remember correctly, I had to reschedule that twice. So, I figured I was out that cycle because even if I was going to ovulate, I assumed my body wouldn't have had enough time to build up any sort of lining to support an egg. I was wrong.

I was already temping again by that point. The day before I was supposed to have the HSG, I ovulated. I had positive tests and my temperature had risen quite a bit. So, my doctor wanted to postpone the HSG for the next cycle. Two weeks later, I took a test. And I saw the two beautiful lines. And I continued to take test for 2 weeks after because I was in disbelief. The day I started my job, I got the confirmation from my blood test that I was in fact pregnant.

So. We got pregnant. On our own. With no medicine. With no ultrasounds. I never ever thought after everything, I'd get pregnant without intervention. It feels right. It feels meant to be.

So, I'm now 18 weeks 3 days pregnant. You all know 18 weeks was when we found out about Bootsie. So, this week was rough for me emotionally. But, on Friday, we heard our baby's beautiful heartbeat. I'm showing quite a bit. I have tons of symptoms still. I really believe this is our rainbow. And I really believe in March, we'll be bringing this baby home.

We're ready to meet our Sunny on March 13th. (We aren't actually naming the baby Sunny...it's just what we are calling the baby for now).

Due Date

Tomorrow is my due date.

She's been on my mind a lot lately. I miss her.

It's hard not to think about it, especially this week. I'm feeling ok going into it. And I know that once the date passes, it may become easier. Eventually.

It hurts to have an empty room in our place that should be a nursery. But, I'm also optimistic that soon, we'll be able to do that. I have Bootsie's Star Certificate & Star Map hanging outside of the future nursery. I think it's the most appropriate place for it. I really am optimistic about the future. It took me a while to get here, but it's a good place to be.

I'm thankful that I'm now working. It provides a good distraction so I'm not just thinking about it all of the time. Not that I ever want to forget her or the love I still feel for her. I'll always have that feeling and will always think of her.

There's not really a lot to say that I haven't already said in the past. So, I'll just end with a poem I found:

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.
The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says of our love for you.
~ Author Unknown

Two Years

Tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary.

I've been reflecting recently on our first 2 years of marriage. I wish I could report that it has been easy. And blissful. But if you've been reading my blog...you know that's not the case. Things between Sean and I are great. They've always been great. It's always been easy with us. We've always been on the same page about things, for the most part. And despite the shit that has been thrown at us, we're stronger than ever.

We were married June 25, 2011. On July 4, we got back from our honeymoon. Only July 12, we moved to NJ. I remember being so damn optimistic about NJ. We thought it would be great. I was going to start graduate school. Sean was promised financial gains. Then that didn't happen (the money...as you know, graduate school happened). And then our financial shit came to a head (See: bankruptcy). The relief was nice. But then we seriously got the desire to come home. But, we were stuck. I had another year of school left.

We visited home last July and had a serious conversation about coming home. We even tried to figure out a way for me to pick up with school in Missouri. But it just wasn't realistic. So, back to NJ we went. What kept us going was our countdown to coming home.

Last August filled us with hope because we were actually getting answers into our fertility issues (see: this ). Then of course, I got pregnant. And then lost the baby. And then got pregnant again. And as you all probably know...we lost our daughter at 18 weeks. To me, that's been the hardest thing I've ever had to get through. It's been 4 months and I'm in a better place. But I still have my days. I miss my baby. I should be very pregnant right now. And as my due date gets closer (July 14) the sadder I probably will be. I will need to drink heavily that day.

Despite all the shit, we're still here. We'll always still be here. There's nothing that life can throw that us that we won't get through. Together. I couldn't ask for a better partner. He supported me through graduate school. He supports my goals (and I his). We want the same things out of life. I can't wait to make him a father. He's going to be amazing. Now that we're back home, I'm looking forward to what's coming. I hope life gives us less lemons. More sweet stuff. It can only get better from here.

Back on the Baby Track

At the end of May, we met with our new fertility doctor. He is very nice and very thorough (which I appreciate). Anyway, we have a plan that I'm pretty happy with.

Tomorrow I have to have another HSG done. (Click here to read about my first one). The doc wants to do this just to make sure there aren't any other issues/blockage since I had the surgery in April. So, while I'm not looking forward to that again, I will be happy to know for sure. Then, assuming all is well, we will start Clomid again next cycle.

So basically, the plan will go back to where we were in October. Clomid. Ultrasounds. I'm ready. Sean is ready. Now that we are all settled & school is done I have very few stressors now, which should also help. I don't plan to write much about the process unless something drastic happens. Also, I don't plan to write about it because when I do get pregnant again, very few people will know until well past 20 weeks. Not that we won't be excited. I just want to be very vigilant.

I had my first extended experience with a baby this past weekend. Very good friends of ours has a one year old. Well actually, her birthday is coming up. I knew that I would not be ready for a birthday party. I told them this and they understood. So, we went to see them this past weekend to give her a present. It was amazing to see how much she has grown and all of the things she can do now. It was fun to spend time with her.

After we left I cried. Once I had my moment, I was fine. It's been almost 4 months and I still think about her every day. I think about where I would be in my pregnancy. I think about the fact that I would have a baby next month. Then I see their daughter and how amazing she is and it just breaks my heart that it's not our time yet. I know it's coming. Both Sean and I are pretty optimistic that we'll have a baby at some point next year. I know as more time passes, it'll get easier and easier to be around children. We're so determined to have our baby. And we'll make it happen.