Today is my second day home sick. Yesterday I woke up nauseous. By the time I got half-way to work, I felt like a bus had hit me. I turned around and came home. Spent the day in bed with a fever and not eating. My being sick really could not have come at a worse time.
Today is February 12th. Exactly one year ago today was the worst day of my life. I can still feel every feeling from that day. I can relive it in my mind as if it happened yesterday. It's the day that we found out our sweet little Bootsie was gone.
It's hard to believe that it's been one whole year already. This past year has been a roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes I still can't believe that everything that has happened, has happened.
And so that's why being sick today, of all days, is the worst timing possible. I spent most of yesterday worried about the baby. Was he ok? Is he going to get sick too? Am I going to relive the nightmare all over again? I called my OB's office and was basically told just to drink plenty of fluids and try to eat if I could. And luckily, he moved a lot yesterday, which was reassuring. Plus, I have the fetal doppler which gives me extra piece of mind.
It's a weird thing...being pregnant while part of you still grieves for the child you lost. I'm so grateful for the little life growing inside of me. But I still miss her. Think about her. But, I know I wouldn't have this little boy coming if I had her. It's hard to describe or put into words.
I'm just about 36 weeks pregnant. In the next month, I'll finally have my rainbow baby. We have our International Star Registry certificate hanging just outside of the nursery. And when he's old enough, I plan to explain it all to him. That he has a big sister who will always watch over him. I never want to minimize her life. And I certainly don't want him to think he's a replacement.
She'll always be our first baby, even though we never got to hold her. Always in our hearts.
If you're interested, you can read the blog post from that day here.
