The most beautiful rainbow

March 11, 2014. The day I saw the most beautiful rainbow.

This was the day that Sean and I were finally blessed with our baby.

Because he stayed sideways the whole time, I elected to have a C-section. I was given the option a few weeks before to try to have them flip him from the outside. I didn't want to do this because the success rates weren't great. Plus, stressing the baby out which would lead to an emergency C-section was also a possibility. This wasn't worth the risk, so I just decided to let him be and schedule a C-section. Plus, I figured he was in there the way he was for a reason, so why bug him?

The morning of the procedure, we got to the hospital at 6 am. I got labs drawn and up to the floor I went. They started the IV and made sure the baby was still sideways via ultrasound. I knew he was. He had his head in my ribs almost the whole time. Once they did what they had to do, in to the OR I went. I was nervous. They had to use an ultrasound on my back to start the spinal block because apparently my spine is "kind of crooked." That took a while. It stung. At one point, it felt like I got shocked once they got the catheter in. Once they laid me down, I started to get really hot. My blood pressure rose so they had to give me medicine to bring it down. By the time they got Sean, they had already started cutting me open.

 





It took them a while to get him out. They were pushing like crazy on me. The doc told us after that his arm popped out first. Apparently all the pushing was stressing him out. They had to get him out feet first. So, it made me glad that I elected not to try to flip him before.

At 8:11am, our beautiful baby was born. Carter Isaac. The love of our lives. He was 9lbs 2.4oz and 21 1/4 inches long. And he's perfect. We both cried when he was born. I have so much more to write about but for now, pictures of our beautiful rainbow.

One Year

Today is my second day home sick. Yesterday I woke up nauseous. By the time I got half-way to work, I felt like a bus had hit me. I turned around and came home. Spent the day in bed with a fever and not eating. My being sick really could not have come at a worse time.

Today is February 12th. Exactly one year ago today was the worst day of my life. I can still feel every feeling from that day. I can relive it in my mind as if it happened yesterday. It's the day that we found out our sweet little Bootsie was gone.

It's hard to believe that it's been one whole year already. This past year has been a roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes I still can't believe that everything that has happened, has happened.

And so that's why being sick today, of all days, is the worst timing possible. I spent most of yesterday worried about the baby. Was he ok? Is he going to get sick too? Am I going to relive the nightmare all over again? I called my OB's office and was basically told just to drink plenty of fluids and try to eat if I could. And luckily, he moved a lot yesterday, which was reassuring. Plus, I have the fetal doppler which gives me extra piece of mind.

It's a weird thing...being pregnant while part of you still grieves for the child you lost. I'm so grateful for the little life growing inside of me. But I still miss her. Think about her. But, I know I wouldn't have this little boy coming if I had her. It's hard to describe or put into words.

I'm just about 36 weeks pregnant. In the next month, I'll finally have my rainbow baby. We have our International Star Registry certificate hanging just outside of the nursery. And when he's old enough, I plan to explain it all to him. That he has a big sister who will always watch over him. I never want to minimize her life. And I certainly don't want him to think he's a replacement.

She'll always be our first baby, even though we never got to hold her. Always in our hearts.

If you're interested, you can read the blog post from that day here.