Two Years

Tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary.

I've been reflecting recently on our first 2 years of marriage. I wish I could report that it has been easy. And blissful. But if you've been reading my blog...you know that's not the case. Things between Sean and I are great. They've always been great. It's always been easy with us. We've always been on the same page about things, for the most part. And despite the shit that has been thrown at us, we're stronger than ever.

We were married June 25, 2011. On July 4, we got back from our honeymoon. Only July 12, we moved to NJ. I remember being so damn optimistic about NJ. We thought it would be great. I was going to start graduate school. Sean was promised financial gains. Then that didn't happen (the money...as you know, graduate school happened). And then our financial shit came to a head (See: bankruptcy). The relief was nice. But then we seriously got the desire to come home. But, we were stuck. I had another year of school left.

We visited home last July and had a serious conversation about coming home. We even tried to figure out a way for me to pick up with school in Missouri. But it just wasn't realistic. So, back to NJ we went. What kept us going was our countdown to coming home.

Last August filled us with hope because we were actually getting answers into our fertility issues (see: this ). Then of course, I got pregnant. And then lost the baby. And then got pregnant again. And as you all probably know...we lost our daughter at 18 weeks. To me, that's been the hardest thing I've ever had to get through. It's been 4 months and I'm in a better place. But I still have my days. I miss my baby. I should be very pregnant right now. And as my due date gets closer (July 14) the sadder I probably will be. I will need to drink heavily that day.

Despite all the shit, we're still here. We'll always still be here. There's nothing that life can throw that us that we won't get through. Together. I couldn't ask for a better partner. He supported me through graduate school. He supports my goals (and I his). We want the same things out of life. I can't wait to make him a father. He's going to be amazing. Now that we're back home, I'm looking forward to what's coming. I hope life gives us less lemons. More sweet stuff. It can only get better from here.

Back on the Baby Track

At the end of May, we met with our new fertility doctor. He is very nice and very thorough (which I appreciate). Anyway, we have a plan that I'm pretty happy with.

Tomorrow I have to have another HSG done. (Click here to read about my first one). The doc wants to do this just to make sure there aren't any other issues/blockage since I had the surgery in April. So, while I'm not looking forward to that again, I will be happy to know for sure. Then, assuming all is well, we will start Clomid again next cycle.

So basically, the plan will go back to where we were in October. Clomid. Ultrasounds. I'm ready. Sean is ready. Now that we are all settled & school is done I have very few stressors now, which should also help. I don't plan to write much about the process unless something drastic happens. Also, I don't plan to write about it because when I do get pregnant again, very few people will know until well past 20 weeks. Not that we won't be excited. I just want to be very vigilant.

I had my first extended experience with a baby this past weekend. Very good friends of ours has a one year old. Well actually, her birthday is coming up. I knew that I would not be ready for a birthday party. I told them this and they understood. So, we went to see them this past weekend to give her a present. It was amazing to see how much she has grown and all of the things she can do now. It was fun to spend time with her.

After we left I cried. Once I had my moment, I was fine. It's been almost 4 months and I still think about her every day. I think about where I would be in my pregnancy. I think about the fact that I would have a baby next month. Then I see their daughter and how amazing she is and it just breaks my heart that it's not our time yet. I know it's coming. Both Sean and I are pretty optimistic that we'll have a baby at some point next year. I know as more time passes, it'll get easier and easier to be around children. We're so determined to have our baby. And we'll make it happen.